Music Videos & Journey: A Primer

schonnana

I’ve been on a Journey kick for the last few days, not because I particularly like their music, but because I’m a huge, slobbering fan of their videos. And I do mean slobbering, because watching Journey videos has been shown to cause massive, traumatic, brain damage, the kind where you find yourself rubbing shit in your hair and voluntarily watching C-SPAN. It’s that bad.

What started this Journey binge for me was a post over on Simian Idiot, in which noted reproductive specialist Reverend Back It On Up 13 espoused the virtues of using Journey as a form of contraception (an idea I’m still waiting for our presidential candidates to form a position on, incidentally). In the comments section of the post, I linked to a notoriously terrible Journey video, which made everyone laugh until they crapped their pants. Then, over the course of the next twelve hours, there was a rash of suicides. One person flung themselves under a subway train while singing Don’t Stop Believing.

It was then that I realized that Journey could not only prevent future population growth, but could, in fact, be a vital tool in solving our current overpopulation problems. And so, in the interest of getting myself a little fucking elbow room, here is a primer on terrible Journey music videos.

The video: Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

The concept: “Hey, let’s huff paint thinner and go hang out by the docks!”

Notable moments: The entire concept of playing invisible instruments permeates the video, as does playing keyboards nailed to walls, and a slow walking woman who cannot, for the life of her, get away from fucking Journey.

Other things of note: Steve Perry has vampire teeth; Their bass player looks like he was recruited straight from the Village People; I once tweeted Journey’s official account and asked them, “Who was responsible for this video, and how many times did you shoot him in the head?” They never answered.


The video: Chain Reaction

The concept: “Hey, let’s huff paint thinner, go to a diner and holler at a mannequin!”

Notable moments: Starting at the 2:10 mark, aliens take over Steve Perry’s limbs and cause him to thrash around the diner in a spasm of what a Journey spokesman later referred to as “dancing”.

Other things of note: The brief clip of Neal Schon about to score with a mannequin was not scripted. It was taken from security camera footage the night after the shoot. Schon denied any wrongdoing, but was later checked into a local hospital for “splinter-dick”.


The video: Faithfully

The concept: Journey showing everyone how emotionally difficult it is to go on tour. They do not, however, show band members going to sleep at night on a giant pile of naked teens and money.

Notable moments: At the 1:48 mark, Neal Schon laughs as the drummer mistakes a couch for his drum kit. What a bunch of wacky guys! Also, at the 2:07 mark Steve Perry has a difficult decision to make: Does he shave off the world’s stupidest mustache or, more in keeping with his general look, keep it? You can see the agony and indecision in his beady little rat-eyes.

Other things of note: One of the most touching lyrics is the line, “They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family”. This is true. Their original keyboard player was struck by a bus while trying to start a family in the middle of interstate 280.


The video: Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ (Live)

The concept: Journey accidentally drinks some gasoline while in the wardrobe department, then puts on an impromptu concert.

Notable moments: Fifteen seconds in, you get your first glimpse of a pre-op Steve Perry singing into a large vibrator. At the 2:48 mark, you get a good look at Neal Schon and the buffalo that is devouring his head.

Other things of note: Why do singers feel the need to make hand motions to illustrate the words they’re singing? Are there a lot of deaf people attending their shows? Check out the moment at 2:09 when Steve Perry decides to show the chick in the front row that he’s been eye-banging all night what touching looks like.


There you have it, a small primer of Journey videos. If you haven’t sought help yet, here’s added incentive. From Wikipedia:

[In 2009] Steve Perry rekindled a childhood love for cattle and dairy farming, including an interest in small bovine insemination.

12 Responses to “Music Videos & Journey: A Primer”

  1. Heather says:

    NOOOOOOO!!!!
    NOT JOURNEY!!!
    You know when your kid pukes up their entire lunch in the back seat and then for a month afterwards the whole car smells like milky vomit?? THAT SMELL IS JOURNEY!
    How is it that I can be so utterly repulsed by ONE SINGLE BAND and yet know all the words to their songs!?!?
    I didn’t click on a single video but I’m STILL going to have to go listen to 3 hours of gangsta rap just to cancel Faithfully out of my brain.
    Thanks. A. Lot. Greg!

    • Greg says:

      Hey, whoah, take it easy there, Heather. Journey has feelings you know! Creepy, disturbing, probably against the law feelings, but feelings nonetheless.

  2. brennan says:

    Are you fucking kidding me Greg? Journey rawk!!!
    Those videos may seem a little dated but they were of their time, and simply awesome for that. Even more awesome was in the first 3, Ross Valory was playing the greatest, most awesome bass ever made – the Steinberger XL2. I know this because I’ve owned one for 27 years.

    Tonight, in honour of this thread, I’m going to get really drunk and sing and play a whole bunch of Journey tracks on my veranda. Maybe without pants.

    • Greg says:

      Look, I understand where you’re coming from. I’m from Chicago, home town to Styx. And I can honestly say that Journey is nothing more than an high-class version of Styx: Hard working, talented, dedicated, serious musicians who exist to express themselves through their art. And still, somehow, ineffably lame.

      Sorry, there’s a reason they’re reviled, even if no one can quite put their finger on it.

      (Actually, I think the reason is because they were in the first generations of rockers post-Beatles/Stones/Zeppelin that were flagrant creations of the bean-counter mentality that ultimately wrecked the rock and roll landscape. Plus, chick-pants.)

  3. Vonny says:

    Ok, I did click on the first video, only to be informed I needed to update Adobe Flash Player. That is bullshit, but, hooray for computer glitches. I am saved!

    • Greg says:

      No one gets away scot free. I am sending Steve Perry, Neal Schon, and a Casio keyboard to your fucking house, pal.

  4. Rusty says:

    This is an evil post

    I closed my browser to stop Chain reaction from buffering. It got too much for me to handle

  5. tpohil80 says:

    Separate Ways:
    Some asshole placed this music video at number 13 on MTV’s 25 Worst Music Videos list. Whatever jackass added this video to the list should be fired. Steve Perry in a pink and black cutoff, invisible instruments, an abandoned Home Depot, a hot woman, serious-business fist pounds and slow motion make this easily the best music video ever.
    Johnny C

  6. Greg says:

    I will give you that Journey is rocking some serious serious-business fist pounds in that video. Like they stayed up all night practicing in front of a mirror.

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress | Designed by: seo services | Thanks to seo company, web designer and internet marketing company
The fuck are you looking at?