Sting Will Fuck You Up
I overheard someone talking about how she much she loved her kids this weekend, and I kind of laughed at how unnecessary that statement is. Of course you love your kids. Evolution has programmed love for offspring into each and every one of us, because if they didn’t, how long do you think your typical newborn would last? Those fuckers cry non-stop, piss and shit all over the place, and they cost slightly less per month than the GDP of Ecuador. If we didn’t love our kids unconditionally, we’d be sneaking out of the hospital for cocktails before the fucking cord was cut.
That’s not to say that the love we have for our kids is any less real because we’re genetically disposed to it. But it is such an ingrained part of who we are as humans that I find myself wondering about the need for things such as “I Love My Family” bumper stickers. Is this really necessary? Wouldn’t it just be easier to track the ones that don’t love their families? “I Beat My Family” bumper stickers would certainly be more memorable. We naturally assume that people love their families, and that parents love their kids.
Sting, on the other hand, isn’t so sure. When I overheard that woman talking about loving her kids, I flashed back to 1985 and that song by Sting, Russians, in which he frets about nuclear war and whatnot, and sings that…
It would be such an ignorant thing to do
If the Russians love their children too
Notice that giant “If” in there. That’s right, if it turns out that Russians don’t love their kids, than all bets are off. Listen up, Russkis: If after careful review your parental love does not meet with Sting’s approval, he will rain down the fucking apocalypse on your borscht-eating, children-hating, commie-loving asses, and don’t you fucking forget it. Sting knows what is best for the planet, and you can just sit there and like it.
In fact, Sting should, and probably has joined forces with other musicians to bring down the fucking hammer on Those Who Have It Coming. Bruce Springsteen will tell you who is downtrodden, Bono will tell you you’re a shit-head for enjoying yourself for a split second when there are kids who have to eat their feet for breakfast, and Sting will be the enforcement arm, making with the motherfucking nukes when necessary.
Oh, and if the whales get out of line, rock and roll has them covered too:
Where was I going with all of this? I don’t know. Sting may let loose the nukes because he’s a judgmental prick, so if you live in Russia, make your kids a cupcake or something. That is all.