Sting Will Fuck You Up

sting

I overheard someone talking about how she much she loved her kids this weekend, and I kind of laughed at how unnecessary that statement is. Of course you love your kids. Evolution has programmed love for offspring into each and every one of us, because if they didn’t, how long do you think your typical newborn would last? Those fuckers cry non-stop, piss and shit all over the place, and they cost slightly less per month than the GDP of Ecuador. If we didn’t love our kids unconditionally, we’d be sneaking out of the hospital for cocktails before the fucking cord was cut.

That’s not to say that the love we have for our kids is any less real because we’re genetically disposed to it. But it is such an ingrained part of who we are as humans that I find myself wondering about the need for things such as “I Love My Family” bumper stickers. Is this really necessary? Wouldn’t it just be easier to track the ones that don’t love their families? “I Beat My Family” bumper stickers would certainly be more memorable. We naturally assume that people love their families, and that parents love their kids.

Sting, on the other hand, isn’t so sure. When I overheard that woman talking about loving her kids, I flashed back to 1985 and that song by Sting, Russians, in which he frets about nuclear war and whatnot, and sings that…

It would be such an ignorant thing to do
If the Russians love their children too

Notice that giant “If” in there. That’s right, if it turns out that Russians don’t love their kids, than all bets are off. Listen up, Russkis: If after careful review your parental love does not meet with Sting’s approval, he will rain down the fucking apocalypse on your borscht-eating, children-hating, commie-loving asses, and don’t you fucking forget it. Sting knows what is best for the planet, and you can just sit there and like it.

In fact, Sting should, and probably has joined forces with other musicians to bring down the fucking hammer on Those Who Have It Coming. Bruce Springsteen will tell you who is downtrodden, Bono will tell you you’re a shit-head for enjoying yourself for a split second when there are kids who have to eat their feet for breakfast, and Sting will be the enforcement arm, making with the motherfucking nukes when necessary.

Oh, and if the whales get out of line, rock and roll has them covered too:

Where was I going with all of this? I don’t know. Sting may let loose the nukes because he’s a judgmental prick, so if you live in Russia, make your kids a cupcake or something. That is all.

28 Responses to “Sting Will Fuck You Up”

  1. I want to see a special episode of Charlie the Unicorn vs Sting.

  2. Pish Posh says:

    I like that song and as you know he’s being ironic.

    Actually he’s lying.

    Russians don’t love their children. That’s why they send them off as mail order brides and give them hard to pronounce names.

    Here comes the pro-Russian anti-Pish clan…

    • In the newsroom here there was a creepy old guy who ordered a Russian mail-order bride. Then she left him because he was so creepy, so he ordered another one. She too abandoned ship.

      I guess some parts of Russia aren’t as bad as having sex with a creepy guy.

      • Greg says:

        I know a guy who had a friend that went the mail-order bride route. She was wonderful and loving and everything he could ask for until they came home from the wedding. Then a couple of huge and frightening Russian mafioso informed him that they were taking his bride, and if he wanted to keep his brains intact, he’d continue to tell immigration that they were married. Yikes.

    • Greg says:

      The pro-Russian clan? You mean vodka manufacturers?

  3. Heather says:

    I might respect the Neverebding blather of both Bono AND Sting if their innocuous music didn’t induce a deep deep deep coma.
    I read an article once about Bono flying around Ireland in his helicopter until he spotted a lush piece of land that he wanted. He landed in this old farmers yard, knocked on the door and insisted the old guy sell it to him. The farmer told him he didn’t have enough money to buy it and slammed the door in his face.
    You go, old man!

  4. Why don’t Russians make kool-aide for their kids? Because they couldn’t figure out how to get two quarts of water into that little packet…so I doubt they know how to make their kids a cupcake.

    “Here you, have some vodka. What? It burns? Quit your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. When you turn 12 I’m putting you in the catalogue with your sister.”

    I can say this shit because Communist Russia did some very bad things to my grandfather. If any Russians are reading this, I obviously do not mean you. But perhaps your grandfather ;-P

  5. Rusty says:

    Every now and then the world grants us a person that we can just punch in the face without getting into trouble.

    Bono is that person

    But only a person just

  6. Lorca Damon says:

    I pressed play on that video, then I couldn’t make it stop. It would give me a pause button even though I ran my mouse over it like I was scattering my stash before the cops broke it. I just got shanghaied by a YouTube video and now I feel less smart. And please tell me which country makes children eat their own feet because I will send them some Pop Tarts.

  7. Ang says:

    Found you from Reanna at Rock the Single Life, and I believe “Sting Will Fuck You Up” is possibly the best post title I’ve ever read. Congrats, benevolent leader!

  8. Been there says:

    Fing hilarious! I love a barb at the russkies more than anyone, mostly because I live in Russia, and am a US citizen, so I see the good and the bad. Surprisingly, Russians actually value children, and the entire society looks out for them. Does that mean they aren’t a bunch of drunken idiots a majority of the time? Sadly no. Just last week my favorite headline was “Man jumps into Moscow River to save people in car that crashed in river, only to have own car stolen in process.” And that sums up Moscow- do a good deed and get fucked over for it. I am a medical student here and see it happen multiple times every day. Good God- I miss the USA!!!

    • Greg says:

      I had a Russian roommate for about 6 months in college. He was just renting a room for cheap in the house I lived in. He was there about a week before he pronounced, in his thick Russian accent, “You are alcoholics”.

      • Been there says:

        A Russian telling someone else that “they” are an alcoholic— perfectly sums up the myopic view that many Russians have about themselves! We are ok, YOU have the problem! Too funny, unless you live here, which I unfortunately do. Damn economic crisis!

        • Greg says:

          Actually, that was the one Russian stereotype that he didn’t have. He played chess, ate borscht, spoke in a comical accent and sold us his sister for blue jeans. (Not really on that last one.) But he didn’t drink, which explains why he was in the US. He probably got his non-vodka-swilling ass deported.

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