The Week In Review
Is there anything worse than having a bad back? Of course there is. A rabid doberman could latch onto your junk, the Yeti could kidnap you and drag you back to his ice cave to become his concubine, or you could be stuck in a room with nothing but a TV permanently tuned to the CW. But having a bad back sucks ass in a major way. It’s been three days since I fucked my back up, and I’m still in assloads of pain. The only break I get is when the pain downgrades itself from blinding to severe for a few minutes, and even that doesn’t happen tall that often. Am I being a big baby? Fuck yes, I am. But if I don’t whine about my misery, who will?
Anyway, for quite some time I’ve been meaning to present to you the winner of the Dress A Dick Up Like Kenny Loggins Contest, in which you, the heavily medicated reader, submit your illustrations of a penis dressed up like Kenny Loggins. The winner gets a random object from the Official Dogs On Drugs Bookcase Of Crazy Shit. I’ve carefully weighed all the entries, and chose the one that made me weep for humanity the least. That entry happens to be this one, sent in by a reader who wishes to be known only as Anon-o-Me:
Here’s my entry. Now I have to go erase my browser history before my kids see it.
P.S. I love your site!
P.P.S. Please don’t use my real name if I win.
Whatever you say, Stephen Gentry! Anon-o-Me won with this piece of nightmare fuel:
Holy Jesus, forgetting that is going to require some serious therapy (read: whiskey).
Here’s what you won, Anon-o-Me:
Yes, it’s the amazing (Alleged) Double Action Candle. I bought this at a fucking grocery store in Tucson. They had an entire aisle of Mexican Voodoo candles, or whatever the fuck these things are. Seriously, in a grocery store. Anyway, I bought this one because on one side the candle claims to be a “Reversing Candle”, which has the ability to reverse hexes and spells, I guess, and send them back to the thoughtless fuck who sent them your way. I just looked it up, and the “Double Action” part means that while it reverses the hex, it also brings you, Anon-o-Me, good luck instead of the legion of boils you would have suffered had you not sent in your entry, won, and been able to burn this candle as a result. Whew! I bet you’re relieved!
I love how the word “(Alleged)” has to be put on the candle. I can picture the conversation that prompted this.
The US Government: We’ve gotten complaints that your Reversing/Double Action Candle doesn’t actually work.
Some Dude: Well, duh, it’s a fucking candle.
The US Government: You can’t sell a candle that claims to have powers unless that candle have been proven to actually have those powers.
Some Dude: Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?
The US Government: Sir, we’re the US government. We don’t have a sense of humor.
Some Dude: What’s the big deal, it’s just a 98 cent candle!
The US Government: Sir, this is a very serious offense. You are committing an act of consumer fraud, duping innocent people into giving you their hard earned cash in exchange for a product which does not deliver what they expect it to. You can face fines and even prison for this sort of thing.
Some Dude: What if I slap the word “alleged” on there in a smaller font with parentheses around it?
The US Government: Oh, that’s fine. We have no problem with that.
I should note that reader Reanna from the fine blog Rock the Single Life sent in an entry worth mentioning. Reanna wrote in to explain that she would not be entering said contest because she did not want to associate Kenny Loggins with her… uhh, how do I put this? Her vibrator. She didn’t want to make that connection, and understandably so. So I told her that the least she could do was send me a photo of a yam dressed up like Kirstie Alley. This is what she responded with:
Well played, Reanna. You are clearly a damaged human being, which is why you wound up on my site in the first place. You don’t win anything but my never ending admiration. (After having consulted with the US Government, I have been instructed to inform you that by “never ending” I actually mean three weeks.)
Ok, here’s what happened the past couple… You know what? Fuck it. If you want to catch up on what happened here lately, start poking around on the home page. I don’t feel like summarizing it here. (Short version: My kid swallowed a ball bearing, and I injured my back trying to see if it was in his shit. No lie.)
While we’re taking care o’ bidness, let’s look at the final results of our poll, which we would have done earlier except Karl Rove Kept telling me that I needed to wait for more votes to come in from Ohio for some reason.
As you can see, people think it would be funny if Kenny Loggins endorsed a popular line of butt plugs. I will now spend the rest of the evening imagining what this commercial would sound like.
Kenny Loggins: Hi, I’m Kenny Loggins, and when I feel like having something large and hard in my ass but Messina isn’t around, I reach for a Doc Johnson brand classic butt-plug. Doc Johnson: Fill your ass with love.
Ok, lawsuit assured, let’s start the new week with our heads held high.