Don’t Walk Into The Light, Greg!

I’ve got a very bad cold. It’s 100 degrees outside, and I’ve got a cold. This is what is known in the medical community as fucking bullshit. Having a cold in summer weather gargles donkey-balls. Everyone else is running around, diving in pools, golfing, and generally acting like they’re in a fucking Mountain Dew commercial, and I’m stuffed up to the gills feeling like shit. Every once in a while I’ll look at someone enjoying themselves in a particularly summer-like way and just tell them, “Fug you butherfugger!”

So, where the fuck is Obamacare? Huh? I mean, we voted the guy into office not once, but twice, and not only do we not have 100% employment and 0% taxes, but his precious health care initiative hasn’t been able to prevent me (me!) from getting a fucking cold! Not only that, but I tried cashing in my annual well-care hooker voucher the other day, and it was refused on the grounds that a) The voucher was handwritten on the back of a coupon for Cinnamon Toast Crunch; and b) There is no such thing as an annual well-care hooker visit.

I, for one, am sick and tired of being lied to by politicians, even if the lies in question were largely hallucinated. I am calling upon all God-fearing Americans to take up arms, violently overthrow common-sense, and send nasty letters to our congressweasels letting them know in no uncertain terms that they have to stop with all the bullshit.

Of course, not everyone on the internet make good words like me does, so I’ve taken the liberty of crafting a letter for you. (You’re welcome.) Simply print this letter out, staple it to the back of a large rodent and mail it to The Alleged People In Charge:

Dear Congresstard,

What’s up with all the bullshit? First Greg gets sick, and then probably some other stuff too! This is getting out of hand, don’t you think? Please vote for whichever bill stops all the bullshit.

Also, please send me all of the money, perks, and copies of Tiger Beat magazine to which I am entitled as an American citizen.

Don’t let yer’ meat loaf!

___________ (sign here)