Battle Of The “Bands”

A few days ago, I posted a video, the infamous “This Is My Fucking Single” post which was a big hit in that it made people want to hit me, big time. Actually, I don’t know what all the whining was about. I mean, we’re talking about a deaf castrato teen prancing around his room in front of a green screen. I can remember practicing some rock moves in my room as a teen, and although I hope that even my worst outtakes would blow “This Is My Fucking Single” out of the water, I’m certainly glad no that film footage exists to check my memory.

Once you hit middle-age, however, you need to ditch the rock dreams. Play music, sure. Have fun, do whatever floats your boat. But if the words, “music video”, “record deal”, or “American flag bandana” start popping up, you need to just fucking walk away.

I love how the “hottie” lets the douchebag singer keep the twenty bucks. “Here, tell your rhythm guitar player to buy a fucking shirt.”

At least they kind of put some effort into it. I mean, you didn’t want them to, and once they started you couldn’t get them to stop, but they tried, unlike Wally World, the world’s first band to record a music video while in the process of overdosing on prescription cough syrup.

Jesus, that lead singer looks Ozzy Osbourne’s aborted twin brother. But the star of the video is the bikini babe, who clearly only agreed to appear in the video because Wally World is sleeping on her couch. I can’t get over how… distracted everyone acts. It’s as if the director said, “Ok, we’re going to nail this in one take, and then at the end I’m going to shoot one of you in the face.” Their minds are elsewhere.

This next video serves as a cautionary example of why you do not recruit boy band members from a Russian mental institute:

If this is post-Soviet Russia, I say bring back the gulags. Christ, no amount of potato vodka and cheap, Chinese heroin would make this acceptable. This is like watching an Old Navy commercial on acid while receiving a lobotomy.

Ok, I’ll stop torturing everyone. I would like you to watch this last, very short video because it shows the correct way to respond to the fact that your band is about to play a Bon Jovi song.

16 Responses to “Battle Of The “Bands””

  1. Vonny says:

    Jesus, Greg, you put three Worst Music Videos Ever in one post. You’re a sadistic bastard.

    American-flag-head guy is so sexy when, after “I wanna put myself in you”, he does a little gesture with his thumb and then gives a lascivious w i n k. I nearly jumped on my monitor.

    The best part, though, is the classy woman in the audience on the last vid. “You’re a fucking asshole!”

    • Greg says:

      Sadly, she’s speaking to the former guitarist, and not the asshole who thought playing Bon Jovi covers in public was cool.

  2. Reanna says:

    I could have sworn the first dude was saying, “Come on, Mitch, blow me all day,” which is fairly incongruous with his Springsteen-esque look and the token hottie.

    Was the shirtless guitar dude from vid #1 the lethargic drummer in vid #2? Spot-on with the cough syrup call, sounds like he was screaming “-caine” at the very beginning too – novacaine, lydocaine, cocaine, benzocaine. Lucky they all rhyme with “face of pain” – that was the song, right?

    Third vid: All I’ve got to say is that dude in the back with a grip on his “buddy’s” shoulder looks like a priest in disguise.

  3. Big Bird says:

    Some tender spot in my brain misfired after that first vid.. My left leg will now be twitching for the rest of the day, each time followed by 7 minutes of involuntary faux-vomitting.
    You have this gift.

  4. Nico says:

    Scroll down, and witness the best song and video that ever was.

    • Greg says:

      I’ll still take Nowiy God over that. Those kids look more retarded, and their haircuts are criminal acts in Westernized countries.

      • Nico says:

        Everything sounds like a threat in that song. The fact that it’s sort of cheery at the same time makes the whole thing worse.

  5. All these videos made me feel like I am back in the ’90s. That is NOT a good feeling, you thoughtless bastard!

    I love that cheap Slash look-alike in Wally World (really?) video. It’s like the poor sod could not afford the full Slash top hat, so he kind of half-assed it.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, and the other guitarist looked like a Motley Crue reject.

      I don’t get dressing up, going on location, and then acting half-asleep. If you’re going to look like fools, as least do it right!

  6. Vesta Vayne says:

    You gotta admire the guy in the last video. If you’re going to quit, you might as well make a statement.

  7. Mr.Jim says:

    These guys should get together and host douchestock.

    Would it be wrong to burn the American flag bandana with It wrapped around Kid Kum on back’s head?
    Did he follow that chick with twenty dollars in his hand and ask her to blow him away?

    The Bikini Babe is the only one who did her job well.

    These were great…. Reminded me of the studio scene in Boogie Nights

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