Sucking Butt

Fermat looks like a member of Deep Purple

Most of the email solicitations I get to advertise on this site are a yawn. Usually I ignore them. Sometimes I toy with them. The other day I was asked what it would take to get me to advertise. I offered to host a banner ad for one year for $50,000. The counter-offer was to essentially turn over my entire site to strangers for a year, which would net me $60. Not $60K, sixty bucks. Needless to say, I dispatched my friends in the Mafia Italian-American Social Club to deal with this person. They made me a necklace out of his teeth.

But the following email, well, it deserved a more thoughtful reply:

From: John Reed
Subject: Most Affiliate Programs Suck Butt
Date: October 28th, 2013 10:32 AM
To: Greg

Hi,

I’m sure you’ve been blogging for awhile now. I was looking for gay/men’s fashion blogs and came across your site: dogsondrugs.com. I bet you’ve thought about making money through your blog. MAYBE you’ve tried Google Adsense or an affiliate program (CJ / Shareasale etc.).

My guess is that you haven’t had much success.

It COULD be that you’re promoting things that your readers aren’t willing to spend their hard-earned money on. I mean, do they need ANOTHER pair of jeans? Probably not.

So the better question is…what does EVERYONE need or use on a daily basis?????

Figure it out yet???

UNDERWEAR. Yup. Tighty whities, granny panties, thongs, boxer briefs…underwear.

If you want to make money, you should promote things that people are ACTUALLY going to buy! And you deserve to be rewarded for your efforts.

[a whole buncha shit about affiliate sign-up, etc. that interests exactly no one – Greg]

Lemme know if you have any questions. I’d be glad to help.

Thanks for your time,
John Reed
Rounderwear

Well, I’ve got to hand it to the guy: He’s dead on when he says that most affiliate programs suck butt.

From: Greg
Subject: Yo-yo Buckets With Dixieland Purée
Date: November 13th, 2013 12:14 AM
To: John Reed

John,

I can’t help but notice that you sent me an email with all of the following words in it: “suck butt”, “gay”, “hard”, “naked”, and “hot, ass-slapping convict sex” Are you trying to tell me something? Because it certainly seems like you’re hitting on me. And that’s cool. I’m not here to judge. But I don’t swing that way.

But don’t feel bad. Lots of people are confused on this point. As the number one blog on the internet for gay men and convicts, Dogs on Drugs is a beacon of hope and tolerance (not to mention quiche recipes) for the entire world, and not just those who like antiquing. Dogs on Drugs receives 47 million page views a day and is translated into every imaginable language. (Believe me, you haven’t been hit on until you’ve been hit on by someone speaking Esperanto.) 60 Minutes once called Dogs on Drugs “the best thing to happen to the gay community since lube.”

So as a champion of the gay community, I would be happy to advertise through your non-butt sucking affiliate program, but only after you first allay some of my fears. First of all, to ensure that you are serious with regards to your generous offer, I will need to make sure that you are not, in fact, using this program as an opportunity to hit on me. Please send me a picture of you eating a halibut on top of a tractor while wearing a Taco Bell uniform. I’m not sure how this would prove that you aren’t hitting on me, to tell you the truth, but Christmas is coming, and I need a picture to put on the damn cards.

Second, I need you to produce a manuscript (120 pages) for a PBS teen docu-drama on the subject of bullying. ALL CHARACTERS MUST BE NAMED CHACHI.

Third, prove Fermat’s Last Theorem. (And I don’t want to see any Kolyvagin–Flach approach bullshit in there. The last affiliate program that had the nerve to propose that worn out line of reasoning spent the latter part of a summer locked in the Dogs on Drugs Septic Tank of Doom, so you have been warned.)

And finally, for reference purposes, please send me a picture of the inanimate object that you are currently having sex with.

I look forward to doing business with you.

Greg
Kennel Master,
Dogs on Drugs
http://dogsondrugs.com

6 Responses to “Sucking Butt”

  1. Gaynard says:

    Are you saying you aren’t gay?? Your homosexual following has Sad Face.
    :'(

  2. Amanda says:

    This weekend I saw a t-shirt in New Orleans that had a picture of Jesus and said “OMG- I said I hate figs!” You should promote their shop. Though, I’m sure they can’t make any promises RE butts.

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    That might be your best response to an advertisement email so far. Esperanto, Chachi, and Fermat’s Last Theorem in one letter – you’ve set the bar pretty high.

    • Greg says:

      Yes, but I could have done better. For instance, I didn’t mention Oliver from the Brady Bunch. Remember when they adopted that pudgy little fucker? Ugh, I still want to kick the glasses off his face.

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