It’s here! That magical time of year in which families come together in true appreciation of the meaning of Christmas. Hahaha, just kidding. Most people I know just buy lots of shit. Cause, you know: Jesus! That’s not to say that there aren’t people out there for whom Christmas is a meaningful holiday. But if they have kids, they know all too well how quickly one can go from celebrating the birth of the Lord to punching a fat woman in the neck in Walmart because she got her grubby fucking mitts a little too close to the last Furby. ‘Tis the season for a lot of things, fractured larynxes included.

I am not immune to the special pressures of Christmas by any means. For instance, every year I spend approximately seven and a half weeks removing toys from their packages because of those fucking grey wires. Oh, those fucking things drive me apeshit loonball crazy! I’d like to find the guy that invented those things and [Extreme rant including references to medieval torture techniques omitted.] …and then smash it flat with a ball peen hammer. Asshole.

Anyway, rather than divert precious grey wire time into something I enjoy doing (i.e. my normally tasteless and offensive posts), I will instead offer seasonal videos of an inspirational nature. And by “inspirational”, of course, I mean “really fucking horrifying”. So kick back, and celebrate good times this holiday season. Just like Ponch.