I’m “Back”

Dude, no wonder your back hurts. Your fucking spine is falling out!

Actually, no, I’m not. I just didn’t want to waste a perfectly good pun. The fact of the matter is that my back has been acting up recently, and none of the miraculous technology that has been brought to bear in this amazing age of medical miracles has been applied to the back. I can’t get a back transplant, I can’t grow a new back from stem cells, fuck, I can’t even buy a back on the black market, which is total bullshit if you ask me. If I can afford to have a homeless Laotian man kidnapped and harvested for his back so that I may resume sitting with a complete disregard for posture, then why shouldn’t I be able to? Fucking human rights laws. What a crock of shit.

Anyway, my doctor took a look at my back last week and made with the gnarly drugs. Seriously, I’ve got muscle relaxers and pain killers coming out the wazoo (which is an entirely different condition). That’s great and everything, but there are problems with getting seriously doped up, and as soon as I can think of one, I’ll let you know.

Haha, just kidding. I spent the better part of the weekend lying on my back, giggling at the ceiling. And that’s fun, but I’ve got shit that needs to get done. Work needs to get done. Bills need to be paid. Laotian pen pals need to be groomed for a “visit” to the states. And I can’t do any of that when I’m high to the eyelids on goofers.

So I’m going to take a break from posting this week because after I get all of the necessary shit done, my back probably needs to rest more than I need to post. Of course, that may change. I might wake up tomorrow with my back feeling fine. Or Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love might get caught energetically fingering each other’s clam in a photo booth at Chuck E. Cheese, which would be an event too fucking awesome for me to let it slide without comment.

So this is probably the only post you’ll get out of me this week. Please join us next Monday when I answer the question, “What was it like doing your taxes while stoned on painkillers, and did you really declare all of Rhode Island as a dependent?” (Awesome, and maybe.)

12 Responses to “I’m “Back””

  1. WillieB says:

    Best of luck and quick recovery to you. Debilitating back pain is a fuck.

  2. Rose says:

    “Laotian pen pals need to be groomed for a visit to the States.”
    Those sentences are what bring me to Internet every day.

  3. Vesta Vane says:

    Duuuude, that sucks. I just spent several weeks in physical therapy for my back, so I know where you’re coming from. The drugs are great and all, but not so much if you have shit to do, like, I dunno, drive a car.

    Feel better soon!

    • Greg says:

      Oh, suck-o, I didn’t know you were going through that. Hopefully that therapy helped you out.

      Yeah, back pain is a bitch. At least if your foot is hurting you, you don’t feel like you’re going to die if you sneeze. Ugh.

  4. Larry Haskell says:

    Have you tried a chiropractor? Works for me when my back messes up, which it does about twice a year.

    • Greg says:

      You know, I’ve thought about that, but I’ve always held off. When chiropractic treatment took off in the 1980’s, there were an awful lot of quacks out there that gave everyone a bad name. And a lot of people who went in for treatment had their problems made worse.

      I saw this undercover sting of a chiropractor where he diagnosed a misaligned spine on a baby (!) by having him lie on his mother’s stomach while he moved the mother’s legs around. Serious quackery.

      Anyway, I know things have changed, and a friend of mine who is a doctor says that in his opinion, a good chiropractor can sometimes offer pain relief when other treatments have failed to deliver results.

      But you know how it is with back pain. I’m scared shitless that someone will make things worse than they are now. So unless it gets worse and no relief is in sight, I’ll probably stay away.

  5. Larry Haskell says:

    And rum is a great muscle relaxant.

    • Greg says:

      Funny you should mention that. I’ve had back pain before, and one way I found to loosen up the muscles was to get blind drunk and then sleep on my back on the couch (so I couldn’t roll around and sleep in a weird position).

      Unfortunately, that hasn’t been an option for me this time around.

  6. Vonny says:

    I won’t offer you any advice or remedies because everyones back pain is individual to his poor old stuffed up body, but I hope you get it sorted soon and with minimal drugs.

    I would like to give you around 100+ internets, though, because you are one of the very few writers who will tell your readers why you are taking a break and how long you will be absent. Massive props, admiration, and gratitude to you for the respect and courtesy you give to your followers. Dude.

    • Greg says:

      Well, I feel that it’s my duty to inform you when I’m on leave. After all, you guys pay me so well for writing this swill. You do pay me, don’t you? You’ve been sending checks every month without fail?

      (checks ledger)

      Hey!

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