Actually, no, I’m not. I just didn’t want to waste a perfectly good pun. The fact of the matter is that my back has been acting up recently, and none of the miraculous technology that has been brought to bear in this amazing age of medical miracles has been applied to the back. I can’t get a back transplant, I can’t grow a new back from stem cells, fuck, I can’t even buy a back on the black market, which is total bullshit if you ask me. If I can afford to have a homeless Laotian man kidnapped and harvested for his back so that I may resume sitting with a complete disregard for posture, then why shouldn’t I be able to? Fucking human rights laws. What a crock of shit.
Anyway, my doctor took a look at my back last week and made with the gnarly drugs. Seriously, I’ve got muscle relaxers and pain killers coming out the wazoo (which is an entirely different condition). That’s great and everything, but there are problems with getting seriously doped up, and as soon as I can think of one, I’ll let you know.
Haha, just kidding. I spent the better part of the weekend lying on my back, giggling at the ceiling. And that’s fun, but I’ve got shit that needs to get done. Work needs to get done. Bills need to be paid. Laotian pen pals need to be groomed for a “visit” to the states. And I can’t do any of that when I’m high to the eyelids on goofers.
So I’m going to take a break from posting this week because after I get all of the necessary shit done, my back probably needs to rest more than I need to post. Of course, that may change. I might wake up tomorrow with my back feeling fine. Or Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love might get caught energetically fingering each other’s clam in a photo booth at Chuck E. Cheese, which would be an event too fucking awesome for me to let it slide without comment.
So this is probably the only post you’ll get out of me this week. Please join us next Monday when I answer the question, “What was it like doing your taxes while stoned on painkillers, and did you really declare all of Rhode Island as a dependent?” (Awesome, and maybe.)