Back From The Dead
I heard from several readers this morning who wrote to inform me that Dogs On Drugs, your one-stop shop for Bea Arthur penis jokes, was offline. At first I blamed my arch nemesis, Kenny Loggins, for the outage and quickly dispatched several Mexican drug cartel hit men to rectify the situation. Kenny once sang, “I’m all right, don’t nobody worry ’bout me,” and I used to think that was rather sound advice. After all, I had spent the better part of my life not worrying about Kenny Loggins, and look where it got me: I am on the list of Who’s Who Among Executives and Professionals. Also, I’m no longer allowed to come within 500 yards of Gavin MacLeod. Look, the point is that Kenny has made a nuisance of himself, forcing me to worry ’bout him, and now there’s going to be some fucking bloodshed. End of story.
Except that it turned out that I had forgotten to renew my domain name. For years, GoDaddy would remind me seventeen billion times a day that the domain name DogsOnDrugs.com would expire in the near future, and that I shouldn’t worry because I had set up “auto-renew”. So my domain would expire, but GoDaddy would auto-renew it and bill me directly so that you could continue to read quality posts offering insightful analysis and witty observations including the words “cum dumpster”.
But earlier in the year I turned off auto-renew for some reason that I can’t recall, and it turns out that while GoDaddy is very good at reminding you about things that don’t need your attention, they are rather lacking in reminding you to do things that involve more than drinking absinthe on the couch and watching raincoat fetish porn.
Dear valued customer,
This is a reminder that you should have renewed your domain name, which expired 15 minutes ago. Maybe next time you won’t be so quick to turn off auto-renew, huh? Asshat.
So I renewed my domain, DogsOnDrugs.com sprang back to life, and I had tied up all the loose ends other than the fact that a couple of heavily armed homicidal maniacs with big guns and short fuses were on their way to Kenny Loggins house. I’d call them off, but they had me set up this thing called auto-renew and I think I get billed if I cancel it now, so whatever. Kenny’s all right. Don’t nobody worry ’bout him.
As a way of rewarding those of you who stuck with me through this difficult time, I present this video which answers the question, “Are there people in this world stupid enough to run away from water when they are on fire?”
I’ve been reading your blog for a short time now, and I am fairly certain that even on your worst day, you run mental circles around Kenny Loggins and all 5 of his fans. Put together.
You rock our socks off. If your site goes down again, somebody will pay by having Kenny Loggins sheet music shoved up their ass. I’m looking at you, Kenny.
Yeah, well, if I don’t call off Juan and Javier, they’re going to have a hard time finding Kenny’s ass, let alone shoving things into it.
I missed all the excitement! Your site was not down any time I have looked, so there was no panic or angst at my house fortunately. Do the domain lords really shut you down with no notice?
Have you any idea what that idiot was pouring on himself before he lit his bellybutton?
You’re lucky. When people in Oregon noticed that DoD was down, they went all Lord of the Flies. Oregon is now a smoking, corpse-littered wasteland. Thanks, GoDaddy.
Yeah, really, they shut me down and notified me after the fact. They used to send me a trillion reminders when I had auto-renew. But after I turned that off, they sent me one reminder a couple of months ago, which I blew off because I figured that there would be many more on the way. Guess not.
I think that guy was pouring nail polish remover, although it could have been straight rubbing alcohol. Apparently, this is a big problem over here. Someone challenges people to do it on Facebook, and it’s off to the races. Google “fire challenge”, and you’ll get all kinds of crazy results.
I missed the excitement by regrettably not being on your blog and the internet in general for a while. Glad things are back to normal though.
It was awful, when word got around that DoD was offline, there was a rash of suicides and 47% of the US workforce called in sick.
Or so I imagine.