The last couple of months of my senior year in high school were, in many ways, very common. I, like many other students, had front loaded so many classes throughout high school that the last semester consisted of just a couple of classes and lots of time fucking around with my friends on Senior Bench, a large bench that ran the length of the hall that contained senior lockers. Since I had been accepted to my university of choice, I could do almost anything I wanted to without fear of it having negative consequences. I can’t emphasize this enough: That kicked fucking ass. School is so much more fun when you aren’t weighed down by actually having to learn anything. The spring of 1987 seemed to roll by in slow motion, sunny skies, green lawns, and endless fun with my friends. Even then I knew it was something special, which is why, in an effort to spend even more time there, I volunteered to become the manager of the girls soccer team. Continue reading

Seriously, hot dogs will fuck you up, especially if you’re “jacked up on marijuana”.

My wife and I had a rare adult’s night out the other evening, and because we’d had a drink or ten, the next day we felt that an afternoon nap might be in order. This used to be a sure recipe for disaster, as the moment both adults fell asleep was the moment the boys would decide to see what happens when you shoot the contents of a juice box into an electrical outlet. But they’ve become a bit more responsible as of late, as evidenced by the fact that my wife and I woke up and the house was noticeably free of people from Child Protective Services. Continue reading

Seriously, if this isn’t an argument for forced sterilization of Star Wars fans, I don’t know what is.

I got my hair cut today, something that always leaves me with mixed feelings. I was cursed with fine and very straight hair, which means that the only way it looks good is to keep it short. I’m ok with this now, but when I was growing up I desperately wanted to have hair like Robert Plant or Jimmy Page because look how much pussy those guys got! They were… So. Fucking. Cool. But even when I got to the age when my parents let me grow my hair (in other words, the age when I stopped listening to them), my hair would not fucking cooperate and instead of looking like Robert Plant, I wound up looking like the offspring of Axl Rose and Gollum after having gotten out of a pool. It was not a good look for me. Continue reading

Do you ever find yourself thinking about really strange things? Have you ever been lost in thought during a meeting at the office and then snapped to, realizing that the things that you were thinking were so off the wall that had your coworkers any inkling of what was going on in your head, they’d have you fucking keel-hauled on general principle? Yeah, that’s me. I think of weird shit all of the time, such as what Pac-Man’s sex life must be like. Continue reading

Is it Monday? It’s Monday, isn’t it? Fuck. Ok, Greg, think fast… C’mon, think! You need to post something! Shit! Ummm… Airline food? No, no, no, don’t be an idiot. That shit was played out in the 80’s. Oh, man… Fuck it. Fuck it! Ok, here’s some Japan for you to chew on:

Are you tired of exercises that require a lot of effort? Does the thought of walking further than the refrigerator cause you to break out in a cold sweat? Do you dream of being able to drive your car to the bathroom? Well, then, have I got some exciting news for you! Yoga allows you to get fit and sculpt that disgusting flab into a tight, ripped body in no time! You don’t have to sweat, you don’t have to work hard, hell, you don’t even need to be sober! In fact, Yoga is a discipline that rewards casual mescaline use! Behold:

Yesterday, I made a reference to the fact that the Japanese phone number for 911 is 119. I would like to point out that even though this number is literally backwards, it in no way should be construed as evidence that Japanese culture in general is backwards or fucked up. That evidence is provided by Japanese TV, which at any given moment can veer from traditional game show format into a graphic depiction of men getting kicked in the balls while scantily clad women eat sushi off of each others breasts. God, how I love Japanese TV.

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More bullshit today: Work, the dentist, picking up groceries, cooking dinner, and moving my daughter’s furniture into her new room. At the rate I’m burning out, when it comes time to paint my sons’ room this weekend, fuck it, this is how I’m going to approach it:

Sorry, I’ll see if I can’t save a little energy to post tomorrow.