Remember back in June when Vancouver and Boston squared off in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?  Not if you’re American, where hockey’s TV ratings are consistently beaten by Bonanza reruns in Spanish.  But that did happen, and in a stunning display of “WAAAAAH!  WE LOST!”, Vancouver rioted after the Cup went to Boston in a 4-0 road win.  Seriously, you people need to get a fucking grip up there.  You’ve got legal weed, what is the goddamn problem?

Hold on to your hats, campers. Shit is about to get weird. See this guy in the picture below? His name is Edwin Charles Tobergta and he was recently arrested for after a man spotted him making off with his pink pool raft. Sayeth the cops in the police report:

The witness stated the defendant appeared to be having sex with the raft due to the fact that his pants were down around his ankles

Now before we commence with the wise-cracks, a couple of things we should note.  When approached by police, Mr. Tobergta admitted his guilt and pled for help with his plastic fetish, stating that he didn’t want to go to prison.  Cause, you know, very few pool rafts in there.  So it does seem like the poor guy needs help, or at least a plastic sex doll.

The other thing we should note is that even though Edwin admitted his guilt, all of this shit is alleged.  If I don’t point that out, Eddie could sue me and use the proceeds on Chlori-lube or something, and we can’t have that.  So this guy is super-innocent until such time as a judge says, “You fucked a raft?  Guil-fucking-ty!”

So the amended list of inanimate objects that were just begging for it is:

• Aforementioned pool raft
• A picnic table
• Street signs
• A bicycle
• A park bench
• The Eiffel Tower
• Tori Spelling