And Now a Report from the Vancouver Committee on Obvious Conclusions
Remember back in June when Vancouver and Boston squared off in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals? Not if you’re American, where hockey’s TV ratings are consistently beaten by Bonanza reruns in Spanish. But that did happen, and in a stunning display of “WAAAAAH! WE LOST!”, Vancouver rioted after the Cup went to Boston in a 4-0 road win. Seriously, you people need to get a fucking grip up there. You’ve got legal weed, what is the goddamn problem?
Anyway, as anyone familiar with politicians would have guessed, many stern faces were present after the tear gas cleared. What this situation called for was a study! Yes, a study to be performed by a committee! An independent committee! Then we will get to the bottom of this! We must understand what happened!
Two months later, and the study performed by an independent committee resulted in this surprising finding:
“There were too many people. […] They were too drunk.”
Yes, that’s an actual quote. It is also a perfect example of the wonderful things you can do with taxpayer money.
It was obvious that they were too drunk, if they were too stoned they would be laughing and only getting off the couch for chips.
Riot police would be better off firing bucket bongs into rioting crowds than tear gas, tear gas just makes people angry somewhere else.
I am all for police using an all drug arsenal. Bucket bongs, hash grenades, nitrous canisters… Oh, sure, people would start a riot every time they felt like getting buzzed, but since when have we allowed reason and common sense to inform our domestic policies?