The Week In Review
I went grocery shopping today, and it struck me that the people who name new food products have gone insane. Take the product off to the left, the Quaker Chewy SMASHBAR! From what I’m able to tell, they “Smash” different flavors together into bar form. Then you eat these things until you are so fat that they have to smash you into a van just to be able to get to the Big & Tall store for a muumuu fitting.
Or how about Yo’ Drops, which is labeled as “crunchable yogurt” that is made by people so fucking busy that they don’t have time to fully spell out the word Yogurt in the title. And crunchable yogurt? Any idiot can make that. Just leave regular yogurt in the sun for a while.
Yo, gimme my Yo' Drops, yo!
Even fast food isn’t immune to goofball naming, as is evidenced by the Taco Bell trial run of the Doritos Locos Taco, which is a taco served in a taco shell made from Nacho Cheese Doritos. Making a food item slightly different isn’t exactly what I would call insane or “loco”. But that’s the only Spanish word most of the geniuses at YUM! Brands (Taco Bell’s corporate overlord) will ever know.
Needless to say, I will be purchasing none of these foodstuffs, opting instead to save my money for products whose names are simple reflections of what the food actually is, like Miller Beer, Nathan’s Hot Dogs, and Terror Fruit Juice.
Auuuuuggggghhh!
On to the week you missed because you were so busy trying to find the little man in the boat.
- On Sunday, we discovered that your police force may not be as honest as you thought, which is kind of surprising considering how nice the cop was after you took your breathalyzer.
- On Monday, we all found a weaver for our collective beaver.
- On Tuesday, we learned that the trots are funny in any language.
- Also on Tuesday, I mouthed off to a dude with a fucking sword. And yes, for those of you who asked, it really happened.
- On Wednesday we were all very unsurprised.
- On Thursday… Wait… Swedes rap? No, as it turns out, they don’t. At least, not very well.
As promised, I’ve got a couple more wacky vids for you. The first one is a personal favorite of mine because it gets funnier every time you watch it, even if you’ve watched it a couple thousand of times like I have:
And our second video is going to generate a lot of emails informing me that I’m going to burn in hell. I know, people, I know. But what really interests me in this video is not the cheap giggles but rather the fact that a home for the mentally disabled would book a metal band to play there. Fucking mind-boggling. And yeah, I know it sounds like the lead singer is retarded too, but how the hell does that come about?
Home Employee: Do you have a problem with me booking a heavy metal band to play our Fall Formal Dance?
Home Administrator: Yes, I very much have a problem with it. What the hell is wrong with you?
Home Employee: Did I tell you that the band is retarded?
Home Administrator: Oh, well that’s perfectly fine then.
I know, I know… I’m going to burn in hell.
Oh, the smashbar. This is what appeals to us idiotic Americans. It has to have a very action-oriented name, filled with raging adrenaline, or we won’t buy it.
“The Quaker Graham Pretzel bar? How boring and stupid. Oh, the Quaker SMASHBAR? I WANT ONE NOW.” *rips shirt from his torso*
It’s like how 10 years ago every food had to be EXTREME! Doritos Extreme! Mountain Dew Extreme! Ex-lax Extreme! Ok, ok, we get it: It’s extreme. Jeez…
I have an aunt with severe Down’s syndrome, and my mom took her to the end of summer dance at the facility she goes to last month…they pretty much want to dance and have fun to whatever music is playing. My aunt will listen to anything, including heavy metal.
As for Terror Juice, hmmmm – I’m thinking it’s named for what happens when you go to the dentist to find your teeth have rotted from all the sugar??
I just love the seeming incongruity of a heavy metal band in an assisted living facility. Why stop there? Wet t-shirt contest tomorrow!
About 20 years ago, I used to ride the bus home from work. We had a stop where we’d pick up people with mild Down’s who had just got done working a shift cleaning rooms at a small hotel. It was absolutely the best part of my day. They were unfailingly happy and polite. It’s very, very hard to be in a bad mood or angry about anything around that.
One guy had a handheld video poker game that played “We’re in the money!” whenever he won, and I remember that each time he won, he was as happy as if it were the very first time. Another guy had a line he’d use that never failed to make me smile: “I may be retarded, but I’m not stupid!”