Am I Scarring My Kids? Should I Care?
You think I’m scarring my kids? Because sometimes my wife looks at me as if I am, but she’s hesitant to say something becasue I’m usually acting like a lunatic at the time. Case in point: Death Metal Bingo. The way this works is I take two drum sticks and sing the children’s song Bingo like this:
Slow Paced Sing-Song Voice: There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o!
Black Death Metal Voice (with frantic drumming): B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And for some reason my wife thinks this might be having less than a desirable impact on our three kids, who are usually howling with laughter while this is going on.
Row, row, row your boat... STRAIGHT TO HELL, MOTHERFUCKER!
Here’s another one: Sadistic Game Show Host. I take the empty tube from a roll of paper towels and use it as a microphone to quiz my children:
Me: Who am I?
Youngest Son (3): Daddy!
Me: Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s right! Tell him what he’s won, Don Pardo!
Don Pardo (Me): An all expenses paid vacation for two to… HAWAII!
Youngest Son: Yay!
Me: Ok, next question: What is two plus two?
Middle Son (5): Ummm… Four!
Me: Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s right! Tell him what he’s won, Don Pardo!
Don Pardo (Me): A BRAND NEW CAR!
Middle Son: Woo-hoo!!!
Me: Ok, final question: What concept would Albert Einstein consider his greatest mistake, and what current physical theory may very well bring this mistake back to life as an important and integral part of the universe as we know it?
Daughter (11): What? Daddy, that’s not fair!
Me (using frantic game show host voice): I need an answer, three seconds!
Daughter: Antarctica?
Me: WRONG!!!! (whomps on daughter with empty cardboard tube)
Unfortunately, once I actually threw my daughter into the "Croc pit", it failed to scare her any more.
Now where, I ask you, is the harm in that? The fact that the two boys then spend the rest of the day beating each other over the head with rolled up magazines is entirely incidental! And even if I am scarring my kids, I’m just trying to give them a better life. Think about it: Joan Crawford beat the ever-loving shit out of her daughter Christina for trivial (and sometimes imaginary) offenses. And you know what happened to Christina? She got stinking fucking rich from the royalties she made off of Mommy Dearest. Those wire hangers set her up for life! Don’t judge me because I want the best for my kids!
But the glares and sighs being emitted by my wife are starting to get to me. Maybe I should tone down the psychotic fun I have with my kids. I dunno, maybe phase out Freeway Freeze Tag. What do you think?
HOLY SHIT! I was looking for a picture on Google (I searched on “evil game show host”) and I ran across the following. Look, I joke around with my kids, but it’s all in fun, and they laugh their little asses off. But this is the kind of sicko perv who really does scar little kids. Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK?
Oh, holy shit, even Clint Eastwood is a perv. Jesus, I’m a fucking shoo-in for Father of the Year.
Holly shit!! That game show host is messed up!
Yeah, at least Clint was acting (I hope).
I have just the book for you to read your kids- its called “Go the fuck to sleep”, and it really exists. REALLY EXISTS! Once I knew a children’s book like this existed, I really started putting the pressure on Lance to procreate. I don;t know what he’s waiting for- I already promised our kid could be named Theodore Rex. What more could a guy want?
I have that book. Holy shit, a friend sent me the PDF before it was published, and I pre-ordered the fuck out of it. If I had the money to spare, I’d have sent a copy to every parent in the known universe. Absolutely, 100%, dead-on perfect.
And naming your child T. Rex is ok, as long as he has two middle names: Marc Bolan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjiNROf_U4Y
Death Metal Bingo is awesome. So is hitting your kid with a paper towel tube when they get a question wrong. As long as you aren’t ‘doing the Clint’, I’d say your kids are going to turn out fine.
I agree, although Child Protective Services may see it differently. That’s why I’ve decided to keep one step ahead of them and take my family on the road. Life as a traveling family of acrobats is going to be awesome!
Two things.
1. Please never stop making your kids die of laughter. That sounds like I’m encouraging you to murder your children. I’m not. Don’t read too much into my advice.
2. I think, to fully understand, we need a video of Death Metal Bingo. Or at the very least an audio snippet. Make it happen.
“Please never stop making your kids die of laughter.” That’s funny, a judge told me the same thing, only he didn’t use the words “never”, “of”, and “laughter”.
I’ll see what I can do about getting a video of Death Metal Bingo.
I suggest your poor, poor wife is probably just giving you looks of evil because you’re reeling them up, then you walk away and leave them to hit each other on the head. Perhaps if you gave them a sound proof room and some musical instruments there would be less evil looks. 🙂
If I had a sound proof room, the kids would never leave it.
You know, as I read this post I had all sorts of comments, but once I got to the creepy game show host clip, they all flew away. Eesh, I guess times have changed a wee ‘lil bit.
Yeah, my wife’s reaction was pretty much “How did this guy not go to jail?” And I had to remind her that kissing contestants on the lips was de rigeur in the 70’s world of game shows. Hell, Richard Dawson practically finger-banged some guests on air.
Still, uber-creepy.
Woah! Could not watch the whole video. That’s the kind of creepy shit that we told our daughter to avoid, when she was that age! We also told her that if some creepy older guy DID start in she should kick him as hard as possible in the nuts, but then we’re just plain ol’ country folk.
I’m arming my daughter with a pair of pinking shears