I work in the IT industry, which is another way of saying I’m good with computers. “What do you do?” people will ask, and I’ll say “I work in the IT industry.” Most of the time this is sufficiently vague and people will leave me alone. But all too often that person will say, “Oh, computers!” and then start to grill me as if I was their own personal tech guru. I don’t mind lending a little advice when people need it, but people need to realize that I am going to fucking punch them in the face if I ever have to answer one of the following questions again:
Why can’t I print? Look, asshole, without your computer and printer right here in front of me, I can’t give you a specific reason why you’re unable to print that hilarious picture of the cat wearing a party hat, but I’m willing to venture a guess on the general reason: You’re a fucking lazy moron. You bought a printer and plugged it into your computer. You then tossed the manual to the side, and when the computer started showing you dialog boxes, you impatiently clicked “Next” or “Ok” without fucking reading anything. And now because you’re too lazy to follow instructions and too lazy to try to find an answer on the internet, you’ve decided that the best course of action is to ask a stranger who has zero familiarity with you or your computer what to do. Do you know how hard it is for me to resist the temptation to tell you that the reason why you can’t print is because you forgot to delete the folder labeled “Windows”? Or say in a really loud voice, “YOU CAN’T PRINT BECAUSE YOUR HARD DRIVE IS FULL OF KIDDIE PORN!”? You should thank your lucky stars that I’m going to tell you that I don’t know the answer.
What kind of computer should I buy? I’ve been asked this question a million fucking times, I always have the same answer, and it is always ignored. Look, I like Apple products. I think they’re superior machines, well thought out, and a joy to use. But I’m not some slavering fanboy. While Steve Jobs was undeniably a genius, he sounds like he was kind of a dick to a lot of people. And Apple is not perfect. But if you want a quality computer that will last you a long time and make you very productive while minimizing technical hassles that make you do stupid fucking things like asking a total stranger why you can’t print, it’s simple: Buy something from Apple. But I’ll give that advice to someone and then have this conversation with them a few months later:
Me: Hey, did you buy that computer?
Moron: Well, yeah, the iMac looked really, really nice, but I went with a ShitTech laptop. I got it for only $350!
Me: Oh fuck. Ok, at this point I’d like to point out that any help you need from me will be billed at my normal rate for retards: $100/hour.
Moron: Hahaha, no it works fine. I mean, it takes 35 minutes to start, my web browser crashes every 15 minutes, I have viruses actively sending out my credit card information to the Uzbeki mafia, and I’m pretty sure the case was made out of poorly recycled Happy Meal toys, but it works fine!
Me: Well, good for you.
Moron: There’s only one problem I have, maybe you can help me with it. Why can’t I print?
Me: I am going to cut you open from neck to nuts.
I get it: Apple products are more expensive and not using Windows seems scary: Save up your money, it will be worth it in the long run. And Windows blows homeless goats. (Yes, the new version too!) If you can at all afford it, buy an Apple computer. If you ignore my advice, I am obligated to deliver any future computer assistance I give to you with a hammer.
Can you do it for me? I get asked this usually after I am asked if it is technically possible to do something fairly difficult. For instance, “Hey, is it possible to have a screen that shows areas of town, and when you click on one it pulls up a closeup, and when you click on an area in the closeup it shows you the average soil density, the moisture content, and elevation?” Well, yes, it is possible, I suppose, but that would be very… “Great, can you do it for me?” (That was an actual request I got, incidentally.) Fuck no, I can’t do it for you. Ten seconds ago you didn’t even know if it was possible, and now you want me to do it for free? (The request is ALWAYS that I do it for free. When I quote them a rate, they become very disinterested in continuing the conversation.) I’d like to know if they try this approach with other professionals:
Asshole: Say, you’re a doctor… Is it possible to lengthen my penis so that my wife will actually know when we’re having sex?
Doctor: Well, that kind of surgery is controversial because it is intended to be reconstructive. And such a vascular area is difficult to work with without a lot of experience. But yes, in practice it can be done.
Asshole: Great, can you do it for me?
Asshole: Say, is it possible to fist yourself up to your elbow while blowing me, oh and the whole time you’re dressed like Jackie Gleason from the Honeymooners and you keep saying “To the moon, Alice!”
Prostitute: Is it possible? Yes, but if you think I’m….
Asshole: Great, can you do it for me?
On to this week’s hypothetical question, sent in by a wonderful human being who (wisely) wishes to remain anonymous.
If you had to pick ten people to kill on the planet, who would they be?
I kind of hesitate to answer this, Anonymous, simply for fear that you’re asking me to do your homework for you and all of these people will wind up in a ditch by the end of the year. But what the fuck, you ask, I answer.
But first, let me say that I would have to be forced to kill other people. I’m not a violent person, and I don’t think violence is an acceptable solution for, say, someone repeatedly fucking up your order at the drive through, no matter how tempting it may be. Also, I wouldn’t want to get my hands bloody, so all of the following executions would be performed by launching the person directly into the interior of the sun, just as NASA has been doing with hippies all along. (That’s why they were founded, the whole moon landing thing was just a cover-up.)
1. The person I deal with at my garbage company – Two times this year I’ve been told that my service had been canceled for lack of payment. Both times we had this conversation: “I received an email stating my bill was ready to be paid online and did so within a week.” “Ok, I show that payment.” “And you’re saying my service was cut off two days after that?” “Yes.” “What was my balance at that time?” “Zero dollars.” “Do you see now why I want to run you over with a Buick?”
All of the people I’ve dealt with so far at Allied Waste are Allied Wastes of Genetic Material. Fuckers.
2. The asshole at Disney who decided that every kid on every one of their shows gets to be a “pop star” – My daughter is eleven, and she has no less than nine female cousins in town age sixteen or younger. And every single one of them believes that they can (and will) be a pop star because, hey, if that short annoying kid who looks like a butt-plug can get auto-tuned to stardom, why can’t I? And so at every family get together, the youngest girls have to put on a “show” wherein young girls display dance moves that make it look like they’re going into convulsions while warbling lyrics they don’t know off key. Fuck you, Disney.
3. The douchebag who invented the fiscal calendar – Ever work at a Fortune 500 company and have someone tell you it is 2012 when the calendar clearly says it is July, 2011? This is due to the fiscal calendar, devised by some asshole who was too good for the calendar we’ve been using for the last 2000 fucking years. Hey asshole, get over yourself. You can’t dictate time just because you feel like it. What’s that? You need me to attend a meeting? Fuck you, this is my fiscal weekend.
4. Any asshole who says this about a band: “I liked them before they became popular” – What, you want a fucking medal or something? There’s exactly one person who gives a shit, and it’s the hipster asshole you see when you look in the mirror every morning. You hate things that are popular? Fine, then be consistent. Sex is very popular, so stay away from that and maybe we’ll have a chance at breeding twat-waffle fuckbags like you out of the population entirely.
5. The senior I had a run-in with yesterday on a popular hiking trail: This is the discussion we had, verbatim:
Me: You know, you can get fined for hiking off the trail.
Old Bag: Excuse me?
Me: You can get fined for hiking off the trail like that. Plus it tramples wildlife.
Old Bag: I didn’t hike off the trail.
Me: Yes you did, I was right behind you. What’s more, you left the trail 2 feet away from a sign that you looked at that said “Stay On Trails”.
Old Bag: Well, I didn’t know what that meant.
Me: You don’t know what “Stay On Trails” means? Which word are you having a problem with?
Old Bag: Those signs are hard to read and they don’t make sense.
Me: Please stay on the trail. Have a good day.
Old Bag: (Yelling after me after I’d turned and left) Those signs are confusing!
Lady, if I was a park ranger, I’d have tazed you in your neck flab on general principles alone.
6. The dude who “talks” to dead people – You know who I’m talking about. He’s the guy that sells tickets to a show, serves alcohol to the audience, then has people pump the crowd for information while a technical difficulty “delays” the show. Then he pulls shit like this: “I’m getting a name starting with an ‘S’, Steve, or Stan, an ‘St” kind of name.” “That’s my husband Stan!” “Well Stan says not to worry, he’s fine and you’ll be ok as long as you buy everything in the gift shop tonight before you leave.” Asshole, that’s not comforting the dead, that’s profiting off of the misfortune of others. You want to talk to the dead? We can arrange that.
7. The Encyclopedia Britannica Kid- Yeah, that was a long time ago. But he was such a little repugnant shit. Even the voice over guy couldn’t stand him.
8. The Eat Da Poo Poo guy – Seriously, dude. What. The. Fucking. Fuck?
9. Styx – Yes, I am obsessing. I asked Styx via Twitter what they would charge to make me a roast beef sandwich, and they haven’t responded. Those fuckers. I have had it. I am now officially asking Foreigner what they’ll charge to make me a Reuben. You see what happens when you don’t respond, Foreigner? Be smart!
10. Kool Aid Man – Dude, that is the fucking wall of my house! You don’t just crash through it screaming, “Oh yeah!” you prick. WHO IS GOING TO PAY FOR THIS?!? I’ve always hated that asshole. You’d think a guy made of fucking GLASS would be a little more conservative with his behavior.
And that’s it! I realize that Styx is a band, so I went over my quota of ten people. Turns out that after a while I started warming to the idea of launching people into the sun. Who would’ve guessed? (Are you paying attention, Foreigner?) Join us next week when I discuss celebrities I’d like to put in a spaceship and launch into deep space with a laugh track of Fran Drescher playing non-stop.