The Week In Review

As you may have noticed, I did a little redesign on my site in order to point out to people that Dogs On Drugs is up for a Bloggie, which is the rough equivalent of an Oscar, only the odds that a young starlet will blow you if you win are much, much lower. Maybe if you were dealing with one of the dumpier Kardashians, she’d give you a tuggie out of pity. Anyway, if you follow me on Facebook or Twitter you’ll know that I put out really fucking annoying periodic reminders to let people know they should go vote for me. I have no problem whoring myself out in this fashion.

So I was surprised to find that there were limits to how much I’d whore myself out. I found this out on Friday when I received the following email:

From: Lucy (redacted)
Subject: I Love dogsondrugs.com!
Date: February 3, 2012 11:56 AM MST
To: greg@dogsondrugs.com

Hello,

My name is Lucy and I recently stumbled across your blog dogsondrugs.com. I work for a company, (redacted), that connects bloggers with advertising partners. I currently have clients that are interested in sponsoring a few posts. This helps them with brand awareness and is a great opportunity for you to make some money from your blog.

Check out (redacted) for more information and testimonials. Please feel free to contact me directly if you are interested in a partnership or have any questions at (redacted). There is no need to submit the form on our site, as contacting me directly will lead to a quicker response.

If you are interested, contact me at this email address to begin the process.

Best,

Lucy (redacted)
Project Manager – (redacted)
(redacted)

"Woo-hoo! This isn't just another one of those get rich quick schemes! This scheme is guaranteed to get us rich... And quick!"

As you can imagine, the concept of getting paid for writing juvenile and offensive jokes is pretty appealing, so I wasted no time in sending back a response:

From: Greg
Subject: re: I Love dogsondrugs.com!
Date: February 3, 2012 2:22 PM MST
To: (redacted)

Hi Lucy!

That’s so funny! I just stumbled across something on the internet too! It’s called Brazilian fetish porn, and all I can say is… Wow. I had no idea you could do that with a trombone slide!

Anyway, the timing on your email is perfect because I could really use some extra cash right about now. I’m defending myself in a lawsuit (State of Massachusetts v Dogs On Drugs Publishing) over a pamphlet I wrote and distributed at various shopping malls, tractor pulls, and elementary schools entitled “How to Talk Dirty to the Amish and Other Highly Depraved Projects”. I’m not sure if they objected to my illustration depicting the Pope having sexual congress with a wallaby or the recipe for bathtub LSD I printed under the heading of Projects For Kids! But either way, they were pissed!

And I also tithe 10% of my meager earnings to ScreamyWheelz, my charity which delivers meals to crack babies with AIDS. Oh, and my increasingly expensive heroin habit. I can’t forget about that. (Not for more than 3 hours, anyway.)

And as usual, whenever I need money, the first thing I think of is “murder a hobo and sell his cadaver for cash”. No, wait, I think “Sponsored Post!” Forget that thing about the hobo. How much money are we talking?

Also, I’m very particular about what appears on my blog. I write all the content, except for that generated by commenters, and they are vetted with a drug test, background check, DNA genome sequencing, and I get their firstborn unless it’s a total fucking ugmo, and then I get their second born. So if the advertisers are going to just hand me copy, I’m going to have a problem.

Luckily, I sometimes daydream that I used to write copy for a Madison Avenue Ad Agency, and so I have a lot of experience thinking about what I would write. For instance, here’s come copy I “wrote” for Kellogg’s Corn Pops:

“When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I want after I vigorously masturbate through the front door mail slot, is a nice, big bowl of Kellogg’s Corn Pops. Did you know that it’s part of a complete breakfast? Because it totally fucking is. And I don’t care what those assholes over at Sugar Smacks say, but Corn Pops are NOT made of packing peanuts and speed. They are goddamn delicious and go well with bourbon. Kellogg’s Corn Pops. BOOM!”

What do you think? I think it’s worth at least $5K, but I could maybe knock a couple of hundred off of that if they didn’t want an accompanying photo of me enjoying Corn Pops with my junk hanging out.

Ok, let’s make this fucking thing happen. Let’s sling some hash, cut bait, get down to brass tacks, or whatever the fuck it is people say in this situation. Let’s make the magic happen!

Greg
Kennel Master,
Dogs On Drugs
http://dogsondrugs.com

I did not expect to receive a reply to this, in all honesty. But the more I read it, the better it sounds. In fact, I may have to send this to the good people over at Kellogg’s because I’m pretty sure they’re missing out on a unique marketing angle. Anyway, shortly thereafter, I received this response:

From: Lucy (redacted)
Subject: re: I Love dogsondrugs.com!
Date: February 3, 2012 2:29 PM MST
To: greg@dogsondrugs.com

Hi Greg!

I’m glad you’re interested. My client, a company in the educational field, would like to sponsor 4 posts on your blog. They would pay you a one-time payment of $20 total via PayPal for you to link back to them within 4 existing posts that are already on your site (4 permanent links). As my clients are looking to build brand awareness authentically, they ask that the links are not titled as sponsored, paid for, or promotional. The text we provide would be uniquely tailored to relate in a relevant manner to the topics of the blog posts, and all you would need to do is copy and paste the links into your posts. There is no cost to you.

Let me know if this is of interest to you and we can move forward.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you!

Best,

Lucy

Yeah... That isn't really the kind of money I was hoping for. I was hoping to have enough to be able to afford to have all of my enemies killed, or maimed at the very least. I couldn't even afford to give them a paper cut with what you're offering!

WHOAH! A one time payment of twenty bucks?!? Obviously I had to strike while the iron was hot, or however that saying goes…

From: Greg
Subject: re: I Love dogsondrugs.com!
Date: February 3, 2012 2:43 PM MST
To: (redacted)

Lucy-roo!

Wait, I’m confused. You want me to take words that someone else wrote, put them in one of my posts, pass it off as my own writing and don’t mention that I was paid to put it there? And this is considered “authentic”? Wow, advertising is even more complicated than I thought!

Look, no one writes like me, This is because I suffered severe brain damage as a child when I fell off of an Amtrak while train-surfing the Rockies. So any “uniquely tailored” copy is going to stand out like a sore thumb. Why don’t you let me write the copy? No matter what you write, my readers will spot it immediately. They’re a smart bunch of whippersnappers. But they wouldn’t bat a fucking eyelash if I were to print this:

“Look, you cross-dressing weirdos. Go out and buy some fucking Sunny D or I will personally come to your house and cut your junk off with a straight-razor!”

That’s what my readers are after.

Oh, and $20 for 4 posts is way too low. Please adjust for inflation, cost of living, and my massive, debilitating alcohol dependency issues by adding a whole vapor trail of zeroes on the end.

I’m excited to make this work!

Greg
Kennel Master, God of Advertising
Dogs On Drugs
http://dogsondrugs.com

Lucy, ever the shrewd negotiator, counter-offered, although she seemed to be a little less enthusiastic after reading my proposed Sunny D copy:

From: Lucy (redacted)
Subject: re: I Love dogsondrugs.com!
Date: February 3, 2012 3:15 PM MST
To: greg@dogsondrugs.com

Hi Greg, you’re welcome to write your own copy around each link to blend them in – as long as the tone toward the sites is neutral or positive and not derogatory. The links would go to sites about universities such as (redacted) and related sites. I can get them to increase their offer to $30 for 4 posts and unfortunately that is as high as they can go – please let me know if you’re interested.

The economist Adam Smith said that the “invisible hand” of the market ensures that the worth of something is what people are willing to pay for it. So we see that the net worth of one of my posts is a measly $7.50. I don’t know whether to dig up Adam Smith’s bones to piss on them, or hunt down these “universities” Lucy is referring to and spike their water supply with LSD and Viagra. Instead, I just replied politely and forwarded her along to someone else who will screw with her for amusement.

From: Greg
Subject: re: I Love dogsondrugs.com!
Date: February 3, 2012 3:38 PM MST
To: (redacted)

I can do $30 for 4 posts, but you have to buy them in bulk, with a minimum of 48,000 posts necessary to lock in your order. As soon as I receive payment for $360,000 we’re good to go!

Otherwise, I’m not going to be able to help you. I do know of another blog that might, however. Try emailing The Good Reverend Back It On Up 13 and telling her (her name is Biou) that I sent you. Her site is http://simianidiot.tumblr.com. Happy hunting!

Greg
Kennel Master, God of Advertising, Cross-Site Lord of Synergy
Dogs On Drugs
http://dogsondrugs.com

Anyone who is familiar with the Rev knows that this oughta be good.

It's going to end like this, I just know it.

On to the week you missed while you were trying to figure out if it was possible to retire on thirty bucks:

• On Tuesday, we learned that John Keats died of an exploded gorilla dick at the tender young age of 26.
• On Wednesday, we learned that David Lee Roth may very well be Crazy From the Heat if NASA would only get their shit together.
• On Thursday, every single guy who read this post briefly fantasized about getting laid in a sand trap.
• On Friday, we learned that you should never, ever create a phone-in cable access show if you don’t know how to operate a telephone.
• And on Saturday, we learned that there is such a thing as a six foot tall singing penis.

A couple of notes before I go take a walk and try to get rid of the approximately seven trillion calories I ingested during the Super Bowl: First, as usual, get me any and all hypothetical questions you’d like answered before the end of the day. I promise to treat them gently, like the children I never had. The children I do have? I just fucking fling them all over the place. Young bones are very bendable.

Second, back to the Bloggies. I’d like to remind everyone that you can vote once per email address. So if you really, really wanted someone to win (wink, wink), you could vote with your regular address, your email address you use to catch spam, your work address, etc. Also, don’t forget to tell everyone you know to go vote. Do it via Facebook, Google+, Twitter, or write it in 100 foot high letters on the side of the Hoover Dam.

Also, I will be posting the official Dogs On Drugs Bloggies Voter’s Guide this week, but if you’re voting now, here are the highlights:

• Best Asian Weblog: Blue Abaya – Because Laylah was nice enough to email me with some nice things to say about Dogs On Drugs, she’s Finnish and lives in Saudi Arabia, and because I didn’t even know Saudi Arabia was in Asia!
• Best Group or Community Weblog: Curvy Girl Guide – Because Angie writes for them and promised to get down on her knees if I voted for her. Then my wife informed me that Angie meant she was begging, and not promising me something a little more personal. She then called me a filthy, disgusting pervert. So pretty much a normal day over here.
• Best-Kept Secret Weblog: Dogs On Drugs – You know, now that I look at that category, it makes me wonder. Are they actually saying that this site, all things considered, should best be kept a secret? Because I wrote this shit, and I can’t say I blame them.
• Best New Weblog: The Cowardly Feminist – Because Vesta deserves your vote. Go over to her site and check it out. Alternately, read the review I gave her book specifically the part where I wrote, “If you don’t [buy Vesta’s book], I hope you become homeless and all your pets die of chlamydia.” Read that review and think to yourself how upset I’d be if I found out you voted for someone else.

The Bloggies: Vote smart, and no one gets hurt.

That’s it. I hope you have a good week and don’t work with any obnoxious Giants fans, because they’re going to be hell to be around for a while.