Weekly Hypothetical – What Is The Worst Place To Get Caught Having Sex?

They're called the cheap seats for a reason.

Have you seen the Powerball jackpot? It is up to $250 million. That’s a quarter of a billion dollars. To put that in terms the average person can understand, $250 million would fill up your car’s gas tank 3.5 million times. It would buy you over 41 million six packs of beer. Lindsay Lohan would jerk you off in an alley 100 million times at her customary rate. That is a lot of fucking money, and I want you to know that it is all mine.

A while back, I wrote about the heartbreaking time when my family thought we had won the lottery because of a single smudged number in a newspaper. Instead, we had all but one number right, but due to the large number of people that just happened to get five out of six right that week, we only got $90 out of it. And since then, the best I’ve ever done on a lottery ticket is one correct number, which is pathetic because that was over a span of twenty four years. Well, I’ll have you know that last week I bought a lottery ticket that contained no less than three correct numbers. And since I tripled my success rate in one ticket, by foolproof mathematical reasoning we can see that the ticket I bought for Wednesday night will contain an astonishing nine correct numbers, which will probably bankrupt the Multi-State Lottery Association. And since they give a metric fuckton of money to the states that sell tickets, I will probably bankrupt those states as well. So if your child comes home from school crying because they sold the playground equipment and burned all of the desks to heat the school for one day, you can thank me. I won’t hear you, though, I’ll be too busy telling Lilo to get her own goddamn towel.

Hahaha, just kidding. For the benefit of those readers who also happen to be my wife, I’m fully aware that we would share the money equally amongst members of our family and only a small portion of the $250 million would be earmarked for procuring sexual favors from washed up, desperate celebrities. We would also find constructive uses for the money such as buying a controlling interest in the Minnesota Vikings and then converting them into a Girl Scout Troop because although they’d still never win the Super Bowl, at least this way people could get some cookies out of them. Oh yeah, and $61 million would be immediately handed over to the Russkies. We’d also bribe the NFL so that they’d stop putting lame Super Bowl halftime acts on TV and make with the fucking Babymetal already.

On to this week’s hypothetical question which once again comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. Maybe I should just change the layout of my site to a non-descript brown-paper bag. Anyway, Anonymous wants to know:

What is the absolute worst place to get caught having sex?

I’m going to have to answer your question in general terms, Anonymous, because there is a terrible double-standard involved when it comes to being caught getting after it in public. Namely, if you are female and you get caught, you are a slut. But if you are male, then you are a stud. And if you are Andy Dick, everyone just says, “Ewwww”, and walks away, mildly grossed out. It’s not fair, but it will skew our results, and we are nothing at Dogs On Drugs if we are not scienmatific.

Being caught getting laid in your parents’ bed will never end well. I was at a party in high school thrown by a classmate named Julie. At the height of the party, as I stood chatting with friends and sipping a beer, a middle-aged woman burst through the front door and stormed across the living room with a very pronounced scowl on her face. “Who’s that?” I asked. “Wow, that’s Julie’s mom!” was the answer. “Uh-oh. Where’s Julie?” “Getting laid in her parent’s room.” Guess where Julie’s mom was headed?

Oh, hi mom! I hope you don't mind, we borrowed your diaphragm.

Oh, hi mom! I hope you don't mind, we borrowed your diaphragm.

While most people started making their way to the exit, my friends and I stayed put to watch the show. The show consisted of a fifteen second pause followed by a teenage boy wearing boxers and carrying a t-shirt and shoes bolting out of the bedroom and sprinting for the door. That was followed by a high-decibel conversation centered upon whether or not Julie was, in fact, “out of her goddamn mind”. That didn’t look like a whole lot of fun. And I can’t imagine what would have happened if it was Julie’s dad that opened that door.

Getting it on in a pediatric cancer ward would probably be a hard thing to explain away unless the Make-a-Wish foundation hired you to grant the wish of a particularly horny teen, in which case you may not be doing the Lord’s work, exactly, but it’s gotta be on the positive side of the ledger. (And of course, it should come as no surprise to find that things like this do happen.)

But what has to be the worst place to get caught having sex would have to be at a funeral. Most funerals are short affairs, so at best you are going to be seen as an insensitive lout with no hormonal control, and at worst the kind of person who gets turned on by looking at dead people. You will be a richly deserving social pariah. And apparently the internet agrees with me because after fifteen minutes of searching, I found no incidents of people caught bumping uglies at a actual funeral. I found a story about two Chinese people who, um, defiled a coffin, a married woman who supposedly had sex with her boyfriend in a car outside her son’s funeral(!), but it was actually two days afterwards, which makes it a-ok by comparison, but still really fucking bad. (Bonus scumbag points for this kind of behavior, by the way, if your husband’s first name is “Hardlife”, which in this case it was.)

Amen

Amen

Ok, the more I think about it, the more it creeps me out that the person who asked this question wishes to remain anonymous. I, for one, am calling the cops the next time I see anyone loitering at a funeral that I do not recognize. Especially if they’re with Lindsay Lohan.

23 Responses to “Weekly Hypothetical – What Is The Worst Place To Get Caught Having Sex?”

  1. Pish Posh says:

    I didn’t know about the Powerball and now I do. You better look out because I’m not just buying one ticket. I’m buying two. So mathemazatically you just lost and I increased my chances by 74% so, boom!

    I will fight Anonymous and their little brown bag existence. I had questions about Spock dammit! I needed to know! What am I supposed to do now, just GUESS?! You can’t assume when it comes to fictional characters like Spock and Baby Jeebus.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, but the theoretical Spock/Jesus party wouldn’t have spawned replies like Juice’s “In the butt”, which I will explain for the record right now.

      Supposedly, on the Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks asked the women, “Where’s the strangest place you’ve made whoopee?” to which one contestant replied, “That’d be in the butt, Bob.”

  2. La Juice says:

    In the butt, Chuck.

    • La Juice says:

      I mean “In the butt, Bob”. I always get my game show hosts mixed up. and I am sorry if you already covered this territory, I just saw the title and the answer came to me. NOW I will read the post.

      • Pish Posh says:

        In the butt Chuck-Bob

        What kind of answer is that?

        Answer: “In the butt Chuck-Bob”

        Question: “Where and with whom was there sex last night?”

      • Vesta Vayne says:

        That really was the best game show answer ever, wasn’t it?

        • Greg says:

          I always thought you could use strategy to win. Multiple choice questions were shuffled so you couldn’t agree on the first answer ahead of time. But you could decide to choose whichever one was alphabetically first.

          Open ended questions would be more difficult, but you could agree that if the answer called for a city, you’d say Las Vegas, or a male person’s name, you’d say “Ted”, etc. And if you were really good and practiced really hard you’d win…

          What? Who the fuck wants that hunk of shit? That shit went out of style before it was fucking invented.

          No wonder no one cheated on that show.

  3. Brett Minor says:

    We were on a youth trip once and one of the girls took a guy into the stairwell right outside the hotel room door. The stairwell everyone was using because the lines were too long for the elevator. They must have wanted to get caught.

    • Greg says:

      There’s a certain kind of rush in getting caught, I’d guess. But I bet the court mandated fines would put a real crimp in your love life.

  4. OneDayI'llbeThatGuy says:

    At a Leonard Nimoy concert.

    • Greg says:

      I’d be very surprised if anyone could get it up at a Leonard Nimoy concert. They’d all be busy committing suicide.

  5. Pish Posh says:

    Anyway, fine I’ll play along with your charade.

    The worst place to have sex is in poison ivy. Trust me.

    The worst place to get caught having sex is nowhere.

    If you aren’t getting caught you’re doing it wrong.

    • Greg says:

      Poison ivy to the naughty bits would be pretty fucking horrible, I’ll grant you that. Not only would the itching be murder, but you’d have a hard time explaining yourself in public.

  6. Vesta Vayne says:

    I choose not to answer that question. I still feel bad about it.

    Also, I love that Japanese girl bands all have the same choreographed dances, even to heavy metal(ish)

  7. brennan says:

    Worst place to get caught having sex? In prison.

    When I was about 16 I was caught by my GF’s mother hiding naked in her closet when she came home suddenly. Because of the layout of the house and the security bars on the windows I had no escape.

    When found and asked ‘What do you think you’re doing?’, ‘deflowering your daughter’ didn’t seem appropriate, so I said ‘Spring cleaning’. GF giggled and I was thrown out just as I pulled on my jeans.

  8. [...] Tuesday, we learned that getting it on in a pediatric cancer ward is frowned upon by this uptight [...]

  9. The labor and delivery ward?

    • Greg says:

      I know numerous people in the medical profession, at least two who have walked in on a couple going at it in the labor recovery room. Yikes.

  10. remittance says:

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