Here’s How We Should Elect A President

I, like many, many other Americans (and quite a few non-Americans too, I’d imagine) am sick and fucking tired of the random collection of morons, hypocrites, and self-righteous maniacs that run for the office of President of the United States every four years. What the fuck, is this the best we can come up with? I estimate that I know, at least in passing, about 150 people. Of those people, I can easily think of at least 5 that are smart, driven, have good leadership and communication skills, and probably don’t fuck underaged, undocumented migrant workers in their spare time. I’d feel relatively confident that they’d do at least a decent job if they were suddenly appointed President, and one or two would probably be very good at it.

So it’s very frustrating to realize that while we should be drowning in qualified candidates, the best we can come up with is a collection of intellectually challenged reprobates who make up for their logical and moral shortcomings only by being able to smile for the camera, kiss babies, and stuff campaign contributions down their pants with both hands. And you know why this is? It’s because being President sucks ass. It’s a thankless job that takes years off of your life (decades, in fact, if you’re JFK), you’re automatically hated by half of your country, and it pays less than what a backup shortstop hitting .190 for the Kansas City Royals gets.

The kind of person that wants to be the President is exactly the kind of person that we don’t want running the country: They want power simply for the sake of having power. And when someone is willing to put themselves through the meat grinder of the presidential election cycle so that they have a shot at being elected to the most stressful job in the world, just so they can become the latest in long series of reviled politicians that are mercilessly mocked in the media and by our culture in general, you have to ask yourself: What, exactly, do they plan on doing with this power that makes all of that bullshit worth it? It’s scary who we give the reins of power to in this country.

This guy, for instance.

So fuck that, let’s fix the whole fucking thing. First of all, everyone in the country who is eligible to be the President of the United States is IQ tested. Everyone who scores above 120 is entered into a pool. The President and Vice-President are pulled at random from a hat, and they’re in charge for the next four years. Does anyone honestly believe this would be any worse than what we do today?

Now, some people may object to the high IQ requirement, but however that objection is worded, it boils down to this: They think that the most powerful office in the world should be held by someone average at best, and moronic at worst. Screw that shit, if we’re gonna give a guy the power to nuke the planet back into the stone age, we want that person to have the intelligence to appreciate the consequences of his actions and not just do it because it’s “fucking rad”.

Second of all, the office of the President of the United States now pays $100 million per term. You don’t give a guy a fuckton of power and then pay him what you’d pay a left-handed knuckleballer just up from the minors. He’s going to convert some of that power into cash, and then use the remainder of his power to prevent others from finding out about it. I want my President to fucking laugh at bribery attempts. “Bitch, you want to give me $1 million to allow strip mining on elementary school playgrounds? I spend $1 million a month on motherfucking lube! Get the fuck out of here before I break off a Presidential wingtip in your ass!”

That's how Teddy used to do it.

Oh, and hey, here’s a nutty idea: The President is held to the same laws as the rest of us! And he can’t just decree shit to be legal because he fucking feels like it! So when the President comes out and says that he’s authorizing warrantless wiretaps in high school girls’ locker rooms, a panel of judges has to rule on the constitutionality of it before it can happen. Also (and this is crucial), he can’t rule the judges enemy combatants and fucking waterboard them until they agree with him because he claims it’s an issue of National Security. No funny shit, period!

What else? Oh yeah, I don’t care if the President is male or female, gay or straight: Your spouse or significant other doesn’t get to fucking tell us what to do because you’re in the White House. They can sit at home getting sloshed and being mean to the help, that’s fine, and we’ll pick up the tab. But we won’t stand for them deciding that we shouldn’t be getting high, or that we should be exercising, or some such shit. We’re Americans, and if we want to sit on the couch getting high and playing XBox, we will fucking do so.

None of this is terribly radical, when you think about it. It’s common sense. And that’s what our Constitution was based upon. Our founding fathers said, in effect, “Look. People are assholes. Give them too much power, and they lop off heads like Oprah at an all you can eat pancake buffet. So let’s limit what any one individual asshole can do, and then we can go get smashed on ale and bone some comely lasses.” And they did, and it was great. But somewhere along the line we decided that the assholes we vote for should have more power than assholes should have according to some drunken perverts from the 1700’s, and BAM! we’ve got Rick Santorum being considered a legitimate candidate. What. The. Fuck?

I say we start over. Who has the ale?

Ben Franklin has the ale AND the comely lasses!