The Disney Channel Can Eat A Giant Bag Of Dicks

Mr. Ed, without makeup

When my daughter was little, Hannah Montana was all the rage. She and her cousins all wanted to be Hannah Montana, and not just for Halloween. They had tramp costumes that they’d wear everywhere, makeup applied with a trowel, and you’d find pink tubes of glittery lip gloss with hearts and rainbows on them all over the fucking place. That was bad enough, but what was worse, they all started acting and talking like that horse-faced slut. When Hannah Montana hurled insults at Billy-Ray Cyrus, that was tolerable because that fucknut inflicted Achey-Breaky Heart on us, so fuck him. But when my daughter used the same line against me, the Disney channels were instantly blocked and remained so for the next six years.

I’m not kidding, either. I locked the channels myself and only gave up the code just recently because the boys wanted to watch Bolt, which was playing on the Disney Channel at the time. Since my daughter is now old enough to sell to a consortium of Chinese knock-off Gucci purse-makers know better than talk back to us, I left the channels unblocked, and holy shit, did the bad memories come flooding back. For instance, here is every episode of Hannah Montana:

  • Hannah Montana is warned not to do something by her father
  • Hannah Montana talks shit to everyone, including her father
  • Hannah Montana decides to be a cunt assert her independence and does the forbidden thing anyway
  • Hannah Montana and her gang of miscreants, hangers-on, and talking butt-plugs spend 15 minutes trying to hide her misdeed from her father
  • Hannah Montana admits she made a mistake to her father, who not only doesn’t punish her, but rewards her for admitting her mistake by entering her in the Kentucky Derby

I admit I may have gotten the last part wrong, because by that point in the show I am seething with rage while my kids are taking notes and practicing their sass-back: “Daddy, say it to the hand!” Listen here, you little punk: You keep that shit up and my hand will say it to the back of your fucking head!

Another horrid show was the Suite Life of Zack & Cody, a title that I had to look up just now since I had only known the show as “That Show with the Two Annoying Rich Twins Who Act Like a Couple of Spoiled Fuckfaces, and I’d Like To Strangle Them But They Will Probably Die of Mutual Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation First”. If you have kids, you know who I’m talking about: The fuckers who star in commercials encouraging your kids to slurp yogurt in the most obscenely disgusting way possible. Fuckers.

Danimals Crush Cups, aka felching for kids

Danimals Crush Cups, aka felching for kids

Now, of course those kids have graduated from Disney to participate in more adult-oriented acting roles, such as allowing tabloids to take beaver-pics of them as they stagger out of the back of a limo that’s billowing pot-smoke and reeks of being a has-been by the age of 25. Todd Bridges is driving. So a new generation of young actors have taken over to entertain my kids and make me question the very existence of a God that would allow acting and assholery this awful to appear on an entertainment device of any kind.

There seems to be some key qualities that Disney looks for when hiring child actors:

  • Overacting that would make William Shatner blush
  • Ethnic diversity, with the ideal actor being of Latino/African-American/Asian descent, handicapped, transgendered, and with a haircut that looks like they lifted it from the place where Chewbacca gets a Brazilian. Unfortunately, the deaf-mute minority is woefully under-represented.
  • The ability to work 21 hours a day on set, and lie to child labor law investigators the other three hours
  • A willingness to work directly with Satan.

Also, Disney, stop with the fucking conversion of every kid you’ve ever gotten your hands on into a “pop-star”. Jesus, I can’t go to any family functions without a “concert” breaking out where a bunch of pre-pubescent girls shake their “money-makers”, warble off key to lyrics they don’t know, and strut around like a pre-hysterectomy Justin Bieber on quaaludes. This is because Disney makes it seem like anyone can become a pop-star, and so it guilts kids into thinking, “Well, shit, I just sit around doing homework and watching TV. I better get off my lazy ass and sing some songs or I’m a fucking failure.” I don’t need this shit in my life. No one does.

Shit, not even the chronic can make these bitches sound good. Dammmmmmn!

Shit, not even the chronic can make these bitches sound good. Dammmmmmn!

The other irritating thing about the Disney Channel is that my three year old now wants to watch Mickey’s Playhouse, or whatever the fuck they call that black hole of unfunny bullshit. He used to want to watch Spongebob, which was ok in my book because Spongebob is funny. Yeah, you may be sick of it if you have kids, but it is a funny cartoon that harkens back to the days when cartoons appealed to both kids and adults: Dogs chased cats, cats chased mice, mice hit cats in the neck with a garden rake, and subtle jokes were inserted to let the adults know that the dog would totally fuck the lady of the house, given a chance.

But Mickey Mouse is the most tragically unfunny thing I’ve ever witnessed. Here is Mickey Mouse’s idea of something funny. “Hi kids! Ha-ha!” That’s it! He doesn’t do pratfalls, sexual double entendres, scat-humor, or anything! You call that kid’s programming, Disney? What the fuck? These are 21st century kids we’re talking about. If you want them to glance away from the double-fisting tranny videos they’ve got going on their smart phones, you’re going to need to show Mickey doing needle drugs at the very least.

I can’t abide Disney TV. It’s bad enough that the Disney corporation is so money-grubbingly materialistic that they fucking sued the Oscars for using an image of Snow White without their permission, or that they price to gouge knowing damn well that they don’t need to hire a sales staff: Their sales staff just shit their pants and is bawling on the floor of the Disney Store, begging you to buy them a plush Lightning McQueen doll for $79.99. But you add a couple of douchebags hawking slurpable yogurt, a yodeling horse with a wig, and a lab rat who is less funny than George Will at a funeral, and I call bullshit. Fuck you, Disney Channel. Eat a giant bag of dicks.

Eat it.

Eat it.

22 Responses to “The Disney Channel Can Eat A Giant Bag Of Dicks”

  1. I hear, during the interview process, they make you snort as much cocaine as possible and sing the theme to the Mickey Mouse Club.

    No, not the version from the 60’s, the bad 90’s theme song. M-m-m-m-m-mickey mouse, ROCKS DA HOUSE!

  2. Pish Posh says:

    Mickey Mouse is a creepy asshole.

    Where do you find these pictures?

    That kid looks like a cunning linguist to me.

    I can’t get that image out of my mind.

    • Greg says:

      I want to rent an electronic billboard here in town and play that on a constant loop for a month, just to fuck with people’s heads.

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    But Dogs, anyone CAN be a pop star. All you have to do is feed your kids to the Dsiney Machine. They spit them back out as sassy yogurt slurping whores. See? Pop star.

  4. Brett Minor says:

    We gave up Disney long ago as well. We caught the occasional movie, but the channel was blocked.

    • Greg says:

      As I was looking for images for this post, I found an article about how Cindy Crawford banned Hannah Montana in her house for the same reason I did. We are EXACTLY alike.

  5. Teresa says:

    Agreed! I don’t have kids, largely out of fear that my daughter would become the cum guzzling princess girls are encouraged to be these days.

    Last night my boyfriend and I watched a documentary called Sext Up Kids how younger and younger kids are turning into little mini pimps and prostitutes. They touched on the STD that is Disney too.

    Worth watching, click on the full episode link underneath the movie window.

  6. Vonny says:

    I love the picture of the doobie-huffing baby.

    Thanks for putting Achey-Breaky Heart into my head. Please just kill me now.

  7. LA Juice says:

    you know what they need on that channel? Land of the lost. and Sigmund and the Sea Monsters- that was some classic good TV.

  8. Rusty says:

    What was wrong with cartoon channels playing cartoons?

    Surely the animation sweatshops in Asia make cartoons cheaper to make than the metric shit tonne of coke needed for Disney actors?

    I guess its harder to make money from product placement, same thing happened to MTV.

    Why play music when we can make shit loads of money by popping a few macs and pepsi bottles in shot? Its not like they have to pay for actors in crap reality TV

    • Greg says:

      Oh shit, don’t get me started on MTV.

      I knew someone in college who had a sibling work on MTV from the very beginning through about 1989, and what I was told was that it was a super-loose, casual atmosphere. Sure, they’d been funded by some huge companies, but they were left to play. And they did. Getting stoned on the set was a given, as were impromptu drinking parties, hooking up with coworkers in closets, etc.

      Once it became apparent how huge MTV was, then the suits swept in to make sure they were optimizing their return on investment, and that’s when everything went to hell.

      Bear in mind that at this time, MTV still played mostly music videos, but stupid game shows were creeping in, as was “original programming”, and you could tell, even then, that the wonder days of MTV were in the past.

  9. Heather says:

    When I fled the country, we didn’t have a tv for 3 years there. In fact, they didn’t even let tv’s into the country until 1975. No wonder they are in such great shape over there…..

    • Greg says:

      We toyed with the idea of having “No TV August” once. I opted not to do it in favor of not being murdered by my kids in my sleep.

  10. brennan says:

    Ah, the joys of parenthood.

    Just assume they’re going to become A grade little whores, and then any improvement you get from that role is something to be celebrated. Or take a creative interest in their futures and get them watching Sasha Grey videos now. Give these educational sessions a true Disney feel, by inviting Lindsay Lohan over to watch with them. She’ll be out soon, and has actually stopped resembling Gollum in a blonde wig.

    Oh, and make sure they watch this mini documentary on the potential dangers of felching.

  11. Tonya says:

    I just explained to my 4 year old that if he wanted to bleed from his eyes and ears and have all of his stuffed animals turn on him in the middle of the night he would watch Disney. Sure, he has nightmares now, but he doesn’t fucking ask to watch anything from Disney.

    We did actually try to watch Cars 2 once. He freaked out and said it was too scary. He wanted to watch a documentary on the Great White instead. I shit you not. I was very proud.

    • Greg says:

      I love Pixar and what they done historically, but am very wary of their tie to Disney. In the case of Cars 2, I think Disney pushed for a sequel and the whole thing was rushed. I mean, c’mon, you want kids to follow a complex spy story? My kids lost interest almost immediately in the theater, which is always horrible. You may as well just leave rather than whisper-yell at your kids for 90 minutes.

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