Where The Fuck Are The Teleporters Already?

Chances are that you’ve got a killer in your household, something directly responsible for over 1.2 million deaths worldwide every year. It is so dangerous, in fact, that you have to obtain a special license to use it. It is expensive to purchase, expensive to operate, and expensive to maintain. In addition to all of that, it is poisonous, contributing to pollution so severe that it claims an additional 1.3 million lives every year. If you even turn it on in a closed room, it will kill you within minutes. I’m referring to, of course, automobiles, specifically the one I had to take in with a blown master cylinder this morning. Fucking cars.

It is 2012, why the fuck am I not beaming myself to work? We see all of these commercials on TV where some wonderful fiber optic technology enables doctors to perform hemorrhoid surgery on some asshole from a different continent, and that’s all fine and good for that sorry, leaky-assed bastard, but why can’t that same magic move me just 30 miles down the road so I don’t have to take out a loan to buy a dangerous, fragile, piece of fucking shit that kills people by belching fumes and splattering them all over the road when I have to divert my attention so I can lean into the back and tell my kids to shut up because the car is making a FUCKING NOISE, and if I, as a dad, don’t listen to it intently, it may end up costing me the GDP of Bolivia to fix it, goddamit, and… THUMP! Oops! Sorry about that. What asshole put a fucking School Zone in the middle of the goddamn road?

How much better would our lives be if we had teleporters? What is taking so fucking long? I know people are busy and everything, but really can’t we prioritize teleporters a little higher on the fucking list? I don’t give a rat’s ass if I can play Angry Birds HD at the mechanic. I wouldn’t have to be there in the first place if we could just make with the fucking teleporters.

Shit, you know what? While we’re waiting for teleporters, how about we just turn the roads into giant moving sidewalks like they have at the airport? Those things are a fucking blast! You can walk backwards on them and make your kids laugh because you’re not going anywhere, or you can turn around and walk fast and feel like Usain Fucking Bolt on uppers, absolutely hauling ass with your kick ass leg-power. Shit, coming home from the bars would be cool as hell, plus if you just passed out, you’d still be going somewhere.

"I am drinking and walking, and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it, copper!"

No more pollution, no more drunk drivers, no assholes driving slow in the left lane, no drive-by shootings, and no more fucking up your back trying to get down in the back of a Mazda Miata. No more getting shafted at a car dealership, no more getting shafted at your mechanic because you didn’t know that they don’t really need to “rotate your windows”, and no more DMV. Let me say that again: No. More. DMV. No more high gas prices, and no more gas at all for that matter, except the gas you generate by spending all that money you saved on Taco Bell. No scraping your windshield when it’s 20 fucking below zero outside, no more shoveling the fucking driveway, no more driveways period. No more garage! You can turn it into a room with a big screen TV, a bunch of couches, a pinball machine or two and a kick ass bar to celebrate the end of cars because they fucking blow.

People will try telling you that automobiles give people freedom, the freedom to live in the suburbs or rural areas, the freedom to visit people in distant cities, the freedom to move about at will without needing excessive infrastructure or rely on timetables. These people are assholes. I don’t care if they install giant pneumatic tubes like they used to have at the bank drive-thru and my ass gets whisked to work in the morning, just lose the fucking cars.