The Week In Review

I recently ran across a video which detailed the last meals of various prisoners who were executed. As you would expect, there were a lot of requests for odd things. One guy asked for a single olive. Another guy, a serial killer, requested “a lump of dirt”, which the prison denied on the grounds that… Actually, now that I think about it, I have no idea why anyone would deny that request. I could understand if the guy had asked for, say, a bowl of razor blades. I mean, you’d hate to go through the trouble of organizing an execution and then have this jerk off himself ahead of time. But what’s he going to do with a lump of dirt?

The one last meal that made me laugh was a request for a steak, some fried chicken, sugar-free pecan-pie, and sugar-free ice cream. Sugar-free? What are you, watching your fucking figure or something? They’re about to pump this guy full of lethal chemicals, and he’s counting calories. I’d take the opposite approach: I’d ask for every unhealthy thing under the sun.

Greg’s Final Meal Request

• One 64 ounce steak, rare
• Eggs, undercooked
• One bowl of quaaludes
• One carton of cigarettes soaked in butter
• Anything from Arby’s
• A hypodermic syringe and a gallon of sour cream
• A gravy boat full of heroin

What the fuck, right? You don’t have to worry about getting hooked, so why not try heroin? Also, I used to smoke, and let me tell you, if I ever found out that I was guaranteed to die of something other than lung cancer, I would be chain smoking non-stop, even while sleeping. “Hey, don’t you think you should lay off the smoking a little bit? I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone smoke an entire pack at once.” “Hey, the Surgeon General has determined that you should shut the fuck up! Now pass me that lighter, padre.”

Oh, and can you pass me six ashtrays too?

In general, I think executions are too somber. I base this statement entirely upon having watched Dead Man Walking, which was extremely deficient in the laughs department. I know it’s a serious moment, and there is a lot of soul searching and reflection going on, but would it kill you to include a pratfall or something? Maybe a whoopee cushion in the execution chamber? Anyway, when someone comes along and clearly wants to have a little fun with the process, I think they should reward him for making everyone’s jobs a little more light-hearted. “You want a lump of dirt? You know what? You can have two.”

On to the week you missed because you were busy making some prison hooch:

• On Tuesday, I made a joke involving my wife’s vagina and toys. Because I’m classy like that.
• On Wednesday, we discovered that Spider-Man has tits and dances like an idiot.
• On Thursday, I admitted that one time I drove down the street, blowing the horn at myself like an idiot.
• On Friday, any way you want it, that’s the way you need it. Any way you want it. Hopefully, you wanted it with lots of horrible Journey videos, because that’s the way you got it.

Tonight, I’m proud to announce that we have a new sponsor that isn’t paying us money, or is even aware that this is going on. It’s Involuntary Advertising, and this time it’s for the ladies:

Ever try three at once? Oh yeah you have, admit it you little trollop.

On to our weekly poll, this one hotly contested:

[poll id=”14″]

As you can see, people would put up with a ten percent increase in taxes if it resulted in Carrot Top being whipped until he cries like a little girl. But we won’t vote for a tax to fund education programs. This is because we have our priorities straight. I am, however, upset that it looks like we don’t have the support yet to rename the month of August and change it to Balls Hot. How awesome would that be? “My birthday? Oh, I was born on Balls Hot 14th.” “Oh yeah? My brother was born on Balls Hot 15th!” “Hahaha, all the cool birthdays are in Balls Hot.” Awesome.

It’s a brand new week, people. And once you start using it, there are no returns. So enjoy.