And The Oscar Goes To…
A couple of weeks ago, I posted an excellent example of horrible, horrible porn acting. I was thinking about that today, when it dawned on me that the concept of excellent porn acting would be even funnier. I mean, everyone knows that the only two skills someone needs to be in porn are a pleasing physical appearance and a willingness to do foul, depraved shit that would make a monkey blush. IQ does you no fucking good when you’re getting reamed out by three guys, and if you start quoting Hamlet’s soliloquy while you’re defiling that barely legal teen, you’ll find yourself in the unemployment line with left-handed shortstops, philosophy majors, and other people with no marketable skills.
But the idea that someone would take the acting portion of an adult film role seriously is pretty funny. I picture a long-time industry veteran director bumping heads with the actor.
Director: Ok, uhhh, Rock Harder, you’re up next. You and Sally Cummings are doing the waterbed scene.
Rock: Ok, can you set the scene for me?
Director: What?
Rock: You know, set the scene. I haven’t seen the script.
Director: You walk over to the waterbed and fuck her.
Rock: Well yes, of course. But what’s my motivation?
Director: Your motivation?
Rock: Yes, why am I in this scene? What do I hope to accomplish?
Director: Your motivation is you want to get laid.
Rock: But why?
Director: Look, are you being some kind of asshole? You want to get laid because you’ve got a dick, and that’s what guys like to do: Fuck broads.
Rock: And?
Director: And?!? What the fuck? Come here, right over here. Look at her. She is nineteen, doesn’t have a stitch of clothing on, and she’s spread-eagle on the waterbed waiting for you. LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT!
Rock: Ok.
Director: …
Rock: …
Director: Well?
Rock: Well what?
Director: Doesn’t that make you feel like doing anything?
Rock: Well it would, except that I haven’t been given ample time to prepare! I’m a method actor, you see…
Director: Oh, for the love of… You’re worse than fucking Screech, you know that? You are fired.
(That last link, incidentally, is safe for work, but will destroy your soul.)
In case you were wondering, sex with Screech isn't exactly a desirable gig, even by porn star standards. Check out her reaction.
I’m not even sure that excellent acting is something that we’d want in porn. If there was ever a critically acclaimed porn acting performance, Hollywood, notoriously bereft of ideas, would latch onto it in an instant and just like that you’d find yourself in the theater watching Tom Hanks make sweet, sweet love to Wilson. No fucking thank you.
As the sex became more and more acceptable, mainstream drama would become more and more adult in nature (the Disney channel would remain exactly the same, however, as it is already basically tweener soft-core porn, with Miley Cyrus doing the occasional reverse cowgirl). And as exposure to sex became more common, people would lose a little bit of interest in seeing it, until the day finally arose where a non-porn laden channel would start getting big ratings, everyone would bail on the graphic sex, and the adult film industry would die a quiet death.
And that is why an adult film director who knows what he is doing will watch a scene such as this and say, “Perfect! That’s a wrap!” He’s trying to save the porn industry.
(This is a YouTube clip, so no nudity. But it is on the borderline as far as being appropriate for work. Also, YOU NEED HEADPHONES!)
(Same for this one.)
Wow. That’s pretty bad.
I don’t get porn. I mean, I understand the nekkid-ness and sex part, but why bother to put in any sort of plot? That and when they leave on their shoes…who takes off everything but their tennis shoes??
Wait, why are these both bike related?
Just a guess, but I bet the inclusion of a plot is a holdover from the days that you had to be able to claim that porn has some “socially redeeming” quality so that you could evade an obscenity charge.
As for the bicycle coincidence, I wish I could say that was on purpose, but I didn’t even notice myself.
Oh man. Yep, the Screech thing destroyed what was left of my soul. Thanks.
I love the thought of porn starts actually trying to act though. It’s hilarious to think about.
Yeah, there are certain people in the industry that you just don’t want to even think about them fornicating. Screech is 8 of them.
By the way – I wanted to pass along a Liebster award to you. I absolutely love reading your blog. Check it out here:
http://followingthemasala.blogspot.in/2012/05/one-in-which-i-blush-and-simper-and.html
Thanks! You know, I used to have your site in my RSS feed, but it dropped out somehow (it gets flaky at times). Ima add it back in tonight.
This may be part of the reason that Internet porn is so popular. It cuts right to the good stuff. No need to bother with unnecessary dialogue.
A bigger part: Fucking.
But yeah, I’m sure the ability to cut to the chase helps drive traffic in short bursts (no pun intended). For some people, I imagine it is quite handy. “Just a minute, Hillary!”
I didn’t watch the Screech tape. And I didn’t look up what a Dirty Sanchez is, although I think it has been referenced here before. I must have been successful in blocking it out.
Am I learning, or what?
You’re about to learn that I like a challenge.
Greg, you are a mean asshole. Could not resist that, and I read too fast to avoid the definition. But no pictures, so pppffft!
Still on the learning curve.
Hahaha, classic! (Yeah, I kept out graphic depictions on purpose.) 🙂
Watch a movie called “Shortbus”
Its one of those art house movies where they have real sex. It is really funny if a bit confronting in some parts.
Watch it, learn something about yourself.
Just not with the kids around…
Whoah, by the Hedwig & The Angry Inch director? That’s gotta be fucked up.
Am I the only one who misses the cheezy ‘plots’ in porn!? Am I, indeed the only one who’d rather see some bush instead of beard stubble?!
I’m with you on the plot, but not on the bush. Keep that Wookie under control, ladies!