Why You Should Never Eat Hot Dogs

Seriously, hot dogs will fuck you up, especially if you’re “jacked up on marijuana”.

21 Responses to “Why You Should Never Eat Hot Dogs”

  1. Lorca Damon says:

    I don’t eat hot dogs because of the obvious phallic sybol and I’m just not that kinda girl.

  2. Becky says:

    If I’m going to pickle my insides, I’m going to do it with alcohol, not preserved pig parts.

  3. B'Homey says:

    Your average Chicagoan would probably argue it was the ketchup that “ruined” it.

    • Greg says:

      Damn straight! Ketchup has NO place on a Chicago Dog. none. Ketchup contains a lot of sugar, which wipes out the taste of the other, essential ingredients.

      Now, my readers are an intelligent and classy bunch, so they no doubt know this already. But for the benefit of random heathens who stumble across this site here are the correct ingredients for a Chicago Dog…

      – All beef hot dog. The good kind, and not the lips and assholes kind we feed our kids.

      – Poppy seed hot dog bun. You know, the ones with the black dots all over it. Yes they may make you test positive for heroin, but do it anyway.

      – Yellow mustard.

      – Sweet green pickle relish. This should be neon green, not the stuff you buy in stores. Rolf’s is a good brand.

      – Chopped onions (white, not yellow or purple)

      – 4 tomato wedges. NOT FUCKING KETCHUP! You want tomato taste, use a fucking tomato. You want sugar? Then fuck off and eat a Hershey’s bar.

      – 1 dill pickle spear

      – 2 sport peppers. Vienna brand is preferred, Trappeys is ok if you like a little more heat.

      – Celery Salt

      Do NOT let me see anyone doing it any differently or I will come over there, remove your windpipe, and beat you senseless with it. (Us Chicagoans take this shit SERIOUSLY!)

      • Holy CRAP am I hungry now. And I just ate lunch.

        Lunch which will never, ever laugh at me that way again.

      • Groovekitten says:

        I’m from Chicago originally and my dad was always partial to Fluky’s. There may be better but those are my precious Chicago hot dog memories. And they had gum shaped like a hot dog that for some reason was the most exciting thing to me as a kid.

        • Greg says:

          Oh yeah, I remember Fluky’s (and that hot dog shaped gum). One of the things that I miss about Chicago is the wide variety of food available. If you decided you were in the mood for German food, there was always something close. Or Polish food, or a hot dog fix, or killer pizza, or good Chinese. Out here (Arizona) it’s all chain restaurants. Sigh.

  4. Birdman says:

    I wasn’t going to comment because my mind had gone back to when I was 19 and took my first hit of acid. Moving on. This adamancy that you have about “Chicago Dogs” is disturbing. I have a good mind to put ketchup on one, just to see if you have the Swayze capability of windpipe removal.

    • Greg says:

      Please, that throat-ripping shit Swayze did in Roadhouse was fucking weak. I tried teaching him the way to do it correctly, but he was too busy fingering his asshole to pay attention.

      Me: Ok, Patrick, listen up here… You need to punch through the skin under the chin about an inch over the adam’s apple…

      Swayze: Unnnhhh…

      Me: SWAYZE! Listen the fuck up! If you break the skin with your fingers, you then rotate and grab the windpipe with your hand and pull straight down.

      Swayze: Unnnhhhh… Ohhhhhhh… OHHHHHH!!!

      Me: Goddamn it Swayze, get your hand out of your ass. Do you want to look like you know what you’re fucking doing, or what?

      Swayze: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

      Me: Fuck this, I am out of here. I promised to take Robert Blake down to the target range.

  5. Vesta Vayne says:

    That happened to me too, it’s the reason I’m a vegetarian. To this day I can’t look at a hot dog, or a troll doll, without having a flashback.

  6. Rusty says:

    Is this meant to be anti drug or anti hotdog.

    Because me and hotdogs go way back, but if I get to eat a troll-dog after dropping acid count me in

  7. She was already jacked up on the mary-juana? I’m just amazed she didn’t eat someone’s face off, like that bath salts guy. Well, I guess I should say non-bath salt guy, since he was only jacked up on the mary-juana.

    I wish my hot dog talked to me. I’d be like, “Oh my God, you can talk? I won’t eat you!” And he’d say, “really?” And then I’d say, “no, not really, you stupid hot dog,” and I’d bite his face off. Oh, how I’d laugh.

    • Greg says:

      I’d go on tour with the hot dog. Think about that, everyone would pay to see a talking hot dog! And when the novelty had worn off… Lunch! I’m with you all the way on this. Fuck hot dogs.

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