I’ve got a couple of interesting things going on right now, nothing that’s for sure yet, but it is eating up some of my time. (I’ll let you know what comes of it later, I promise. Not that you care.) Anyway, we all know what that means: Random video weirdness! First off, a painful lesson from Captain Studmuffin and the Wheelchair crew:

Ouch. As the lady said, their injuries were “minor to moderate”, so it’s ok to make fun of them. (I’m not sure why that is, but hey, I don’t make the rules for this kind of stuff.) I used to live near a river with a lot of boating activity on it, and let me tell you something: People are fucking retarded when they get behind the wheel of a boat. Stone cold morons.

For instance, I’ve seen people jam their boat up on a beach at high speed without either lifting the motor or thinking about what happens to them if the boat suddenly stops moving beneath them. And for some reason these people are surprised when they get flung into a row of bushes and hobble back to find that their boat has a nice big hole in the hull, and the outboard motor is fried.

Likewise, I’ve seen people try to powerslide into dock, steer via a rope from the bow (so they could “boat-surf” solo), and every conceivable variety of high-speed maneuver performed while higher than Jesus. One time, my girlfriend’s neighbors got busted for waterskiing at night (very stupid, very illegal) with a large quantity of cocaine in the glove compartment.

Not that I was above being stupid in a boat myself, of course. But there were limits to my stupidity. I knew that just because I was on water did not mean that the laws of physics (or of the state of Illinois) were suspended. Some of these guys (like Captain Studmuffin up above), you just want to slap and say, “Dude, what the fuck are you thinking?”

Speaking of slapping, let’s see what happens when a teacher accused of being physically abusive to her students decides to plead her innocence by slapping a cop:

Take that, Slappy McGee! (I believe this is from Romania, so her name is probably more along the lines of Slapēna Miloslapa.) Every time I see this video (after I’m done saying “Serves you right!” four thousand times) I think about that cop and what would happen to him if he tried that in the States. Personally, I think that he’d be fired. He clearly restrained himself, and so had time to think about whether or not he really needed to use physical force. And then the physical force he used didn’t accomplish the end of placing her under arrest. So he’d probably wind up being fired and spending the rest of his career working as a mall cop, crossing guard, or night watchman instead of receiving the Nobel Peace Prize as he quite clearly should.

That’s bullshit, because if that woman tried that here in the States, she’d be power-slammed to the ground and tased until her tits lit up like a Christmas tree. That’s ok, but a bitch-slap? That’s a Po-po no-no! There should be exclusions to the police brutality laws wherein actions that are ruled well deserved, or incredibly hilarious are excused. “Yes, Officer Krupke didn’t need to strap Ms. Miloslapa across the hood of his car in the nude and then drive her to the police station like a trophy buck he’d just bagged, but let me tell you something: Everyone agreed it was fucking hilarious. So we’re going to just put that shit up on YouTube and let the drunkards racists borderline mental defectives commenters vote on it.”

I’ve known a few cops in my day (not in a professional sense, ahem), and I asked one of them about the taser. He believed, as a lot of people do, that tasers are not harmless. They can mess certain people up pretty badly depending on health, age, where and how long they are tased. “Still, sometimes there is no other way of taking someone down without physical violence, so it’s a good alternative.”

“But,” he continued, “holy shit is it tempting to use it too often. One minute you’ve got some drunk, 400 pound slob in your face calling you an asshole, child molesting motherfucker, and with a flip of a switch you can be watching him writhe on the ground, going ‘BrrrrlllrrrrrllllrrrlllrrrlllAAAUUUUGGGGGHHH!’ You’ve got to have the patience of saint not to use it at least a few times a day.”

And that brings us to our last video, wherein a cop demonstrates the meaning of the term “patience of a saint”:

This reminds me of a joke: An officer pulls over a man for running a stop sign. “Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?”

“No,” says the driver.

“You didn’t stop at that stop sign,” replies the cop.

“But I slowed down!” protests the driver.

“I know that sir, but you are required by law to come to a complete stop.”

“But I slowed down!” protests the driver again, starting off a cycle of the cop explaining that the stop sign means stop, and the driver sticking to his claim that slowing down should be good enough.

Finally, fed up with the driver’s ignorance, the cop reaches through the window of the car, pulls the man out by his hair, and proceeds to beat him with his night stick for a solid two minutes. “Now,” says the cop as he stops his assault. “Would you like me to stop, or just slow down?”

The reason that video reminds me of this joke is because if somehow I became a cop (i.e. they forgot how to perform basic background checks), I’m sure I’d relate more to the Stop/Slow Down cop than I would the über-polite cop issuing a traffic citation to the trained ape on mescaline driving that RAV4. I’m a pretty patient guy but if I had a gun, a nightstick, a taser, and backup and some asshole went looney-tunes batshit on me like that, it’d be hard not to drag him from the car, make him take his clothes off, and drive off while he’s handcuffed to a speed limit sign in the buff.

Ok, where was I? Oh yes, random, weird videos: A great excuse for not writing a post. If you have a problem with the quality of this post, please email me. I won’t be able to receive it on my boat.