It Will Make You What?

It’s Wednesday night, and I don’t feel like doing shit. This is bad news for my family if the house happens to catch on fire, but good news for you, the reader, because it means I’ll post wacky videos instead of telling you at great length how drunk I used to get in college (very). So without further ado, I give you this crazy bitch:

I’ll be honest with you, I was totally unaware that dick will make you slap somebody. I’ve had a dick my entire life, and I’ve only been slapped once. (I was in a bar and reacted to a Def Leppard song being played by yelling “Def Lefty!”, pulling my left arm out of its shirt sleeve and pretending to play the drums. A girl at the next table jumped up, slapped me, and informed me that her brother had only one arm. I bet that shit never happens to Def Leppard’s drummer.)

What I love about this video is the clearly unimpressed woman sitting to the whack-job’s right. She doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t have to. Her face says it all.

The fuck is wrong with you?

The other thing that makes me laugh about this is the nagging feeling that much like Steve Carell’s character playing poker in the 40 Year Old Virgin, these two women are talking about something that they have no experience with whatsoever. Dick will make you slap someone? Really? That’s what you think happens? I bet if you watched this show long enough, you’d hear a lot of other questionable wisdom:

• If you ride a man too long, he turns invisible.
• Man-juice is made of tiny little babies and steak sauce.
• If you squeeze a man’s balls, his dick honks like a horn. And then you have to slap someone.

I think they would make a perfect counterpoint to Dr. Drew, who seems to show up any time something sexual yet profoundly fucked up happens.

Dr. Drew: Caller, you’re on the air.

Caller: Uh, hi Dr. Drew. I have a question about when I orgasm.

Dr. Drew: Ok, caller, go ahead.

Caller: Well, I was masturbating the other day when I noticed that my ejaculate had… Well, part of it wasn’t white. It was black.

Dr. Drew: Well, discolored semen could mean anything from a urinary tract infection to a problem with your prostate or worse. I wouldn’t be alarmed, but I would certainly discuss this with a urologist as soon as possible.

Dick-Slap Lady: I knew a man who worked for the Department of Transportation, and his man-juice came out hot and black like tar! It was all those tar vapors from filling in potholes all day!

Frowny Lady: (The fuck is wrong with you?)

Caller: You know, there are a lot of potholes near my home.

Dr. Drew: No, no, there’s no evidence that anything you breathe can affect semen color. This is not normal, and requires prompt medical attention. I can’t emphasize that enough.

Dick-Slap Lady: Drew, you’re problem is that you need to loosen up. You should let come over tonight. I’ll rub sandpaper all over your manhood and then when you get really excited, I’ll punch you in the taint. Hard. Taint will make you punch somebody.

Frowny Lady: (The fuck is wrong with you?)

Dr. Drew: Do you have any idea how male reproductive organs work? I mean, any clue whatsoever?

Dick-Slap Lady: Don’t be trying to get one over on me with no organ, Drew. When I play music to get my freak on, I want drums!

Caller: You know, I think I’m gonna call Dr. Ruth.