For No Goddamn Reason I Can Think Of, I Watched An Episode Of Alice


Do you remember the TV show Alice? Of course you don’t. That show is fucking ancient, and so it is only remembered by crusty old fucks like me who also remember doing the Lindy Hop and what it was like to get fellated by Amelia Earhart (the woman knew how to give a hummer, I’ll give her that). So let me give you a rundown: Some bitch with a kid decides to move to LA to become a singer because she’s a fucking idiot, but her car breaks down in Phoenix and she winds up working for 9 fucking years in a shit-hole diner with a cook who has more back hair then Ed Asner.

That’s it in a nutshell. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That is what passed for entertainment back then?” I absolutely agree with you. Remember, this was in an era during which there were three major networks and whatever craziness was playing on Channel Ocho, and that was it. You didn’t have a lot of choices back then, and the networks knew it. So they spent all their time nailing prospective actresses on the casting couch and left trivial details like, oh I don’t know, creating and producing quality television programming to homeless guys. Seriously, you were shit out of luck if you didn’t like what was on TV. ABC’s slogan was, “ABC: Sit Down And Shut The Fuck Up”.

So of course this piece of shit show Alice ran for nine goddamn years. Nine. We’re not allowed to have a fucking president for longer than eight years, certainly we can limit shows like Alice, right? Ugh. Anyway, I thought of the show today because Alice was set where I live, Phoenix, and I remember watching the show as a kid and thinking to myself, “Wow! They just said it was 104 in Phoenix! That’s crazy! I can’t imagine living there!” Now, of course, I say, “Wow! It’s 117 outside! Shoot me!”

The shows opening theme song (which is about as fucking annoying and catchy as can possibly be) contains a memorable shot of a sign reading “Mel’s Diner”, where Alice works. I had known at one point that the sign was taken from a real Mel’s Diner in Phoenix, but I thought it was long gone. As it turns out, the sign itself has changed slightly, but the diner itself is still there. I will firebomb it tomorrow.

Hahaha, just kidding. It’s pretty cool that you can go to some random joint that was immortalized on 1970’s TV and smoke dope and fornicate in the bathroom, or whatever it is that people do in greasy spoon diners. Look, here it is today:

Image courtesy of Google Maps. Every time I see the Google Maps car, I pull my pants down and show it my taint. This is why I'm no longer allowed in Saskatchewan, or as it is now called, Asskatchewan.

Image courtesy of Google Maps. Every time I see the Google Maps car, I pull my pants down and show it my taint. This is why I’m no longer allowed in Saskatchewan, or as it is now called, Asskatchewan.

Crazy, huh? Anyway, back to that fucking opening jingle. Here it is. (Sorry about this.)

The best part of that song is the line, “There’s a fresh, freckled face in the neighborhood”. If Linda Lavin is a fresh, freckled face, I’m the fucking Gerber baby. And in case you were wondering, which you weren’t, yes, Linda Lavin actually sang the song herself and fucking admitted it! Even worse, the producers were shooting sterno in an alley one day and decided that they’d let her rerecord it every year. This, of course, went to Linda’s head and she started going all lounge-lizard with it. Please note, this is not a joke. This is really what the song sounded like in later seasons:

Holy Jesus. She’s stretching out so much it’s painful, You get the feeling that if the show lasted long enough, you’d get to hear Linda throw in some rap, maybe a bit of Paradise City, and show up to work one day wearing flannel before producers (rightfully) made her eat a shotgun in the apartment above her garage.

So, as I sat there in the office hating myself for spending even one nanosecond thinking about Alice, I decided I’d watch an episode and Tweet my reactions, or at least the ones that didn’t involve me destroying my TV. Here’s how that went:

 Holy shit, that was rough. Join me next week when I do something easier, like swallow a bowling ball.

24 Responses to “For No Goddamn Reason I Can Think Of, I Watched An Episode Of Alice”

  1. I remember that show. I was very young, but still occasionally say, “KISS MY GRITS!”

  2. Vesta Vayne says:

    Ha! Brett beat me to it. Kiss my grits is the only thing I remember from that show.

    Oh, and I actually thought the name of it was Mel’s Diner.

    • Greg says:

      Obviously you and Brett are a lot younger than me. I remembered the reference to the girl with the earrings in the sex-ed episode before I watched it. Guh.

  3. Nico says:

    You are slightly mistaken. Mel’s back hair IS Ed Asner.

  4. Vonny says:

    Ha ha, I remember that show, god help me. Now the stupid theme song is stuck in my head.

    Tv sure has improved. I wish we got Honey Boo Boo and Jersey Shore in my city; that is quality programming.

  5. Birdman says:

    My favourite was “Pickup, Dingy”. Those shows make me wish I was an adult back then. I could make it in Hollywood.

  6. Heather says:

    All I remember from these shows are the opening sequences. That’s when my mom would realize the tv was on and rush into the livingroom to save us from eternal damnation.

  7. LA Juice says:

    Looking back on the days of Alice, I have to wonder, who got more ‘poon: Mel or Schneider? I am guessing Schneider, after all Mackenzie Phillips was always on beaners and lick ’em aid.

    Kiss my grits bitches. (when you read this, imagine Parker Posey is saying it while chewing gum. That is how I hear it in my head)

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, Schneider for sure. You could fall down in the general vicinity of Mackenzie Phillips and you’d find yourself inside her.

      But Mel looks like the kinda guy that would spike a drink. Who knows? He might have a meat locker full of his conquests in the back of the diner.

  8. B'Homey says:

    I just spent the last hour reading everything there is to know about that show on Wikipedia. Thanks a lot, asshole.

  9. brennan says:

    I’m sure that show contributed on some level to me not watching TV for nearly 20 years.

  10. Jeff says:

    I always had a thing for Flo. And wow, the author of this article is a very angry man.

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