Just Be Happy, You Asshole


I was leaving a store today when an employee smiled at me and said, “Happy Holidays!” It was quite clear from her attire, gold cross, and extreme whiteness that what she really meant was, “Merry Christmas”, but was forbidden from saying so in case I celebrate Kwanzaa or something and took mortal offense to her pleasant salutation. And that caused me to wonder why anyone gets all fucking worked up over being told to have a Merry Christmas. If someone in a store looked at me and said, “It’s Christmas. I hope your dick falls off,” then I’d be offended. But someone wishing that I have happiness? I’ll take it. Why the fuck not? They can wish me a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Glorious Kwanzaa, Prosperous Ramadan, whatever. When someone wishes me happiness, I absolutely don’t care if they append a holiday I don’t observe to the end of it. They still want me to be happy, after all. I don’t have to have a hard-on for trees to appreciate being told to “Have a wonderful Arbor Day!”

(Instead of swapping out a potentially offensive holiday name for a non-denominational word such as “holiday”, stores should randomly change the other half of the equation. “Have a scurvy-free Christmas, sir!” People would be so puzzled and surprised that they wouldn’t even notice that some evil bastard had just mentioned Christmas, which is apparently a crime on par with the Lindbergh kidnapping.)

Another tactic people sometimes use to keep from offending people is not to pretend the holiday they observe doesn’t exist, but to mention every holiday in an effort to be all-inclusive. Take certifiable lunatic Vern Fonk, for instance:

That’s how you do it. Vern was so concerned that he’d leave someone out that he just spouted a bunch of gibberish in the middle to cover his ass. Well done, Vern.

It’s really silly how much importance we attach to the beliefs we have. “Holy shit, that person just told me to have a Happy Holiday! What an asshole! He’s engaging in a War on Christmas! This is America, and in America we celebrate Christmas because our Lord is a man of love and peace! And now this prick tells me to have a Happy Holiday? I’m going to burn his store to the fucking ground!”

If everyone was a little less butthurt by other people trying to be nice to us, I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place. And that’s what Kwanzaa’s all about, isn’t it?

13 Responses to “Just Be Happy, You Asshole”

  1. A friend and I were talking about this very thing last night. I do not understand anyone getting outraged at the very mention of a holiday they don’t observe. Any day someone doesn’t tell me to go fuck myself is a pretty good day, and I’ll take all the wishes for happiness I can get.

    By the way, I tried to draw that Kenny Loggins dick thing and I ended up with an image that looked more like Rue McClanahan than anything else. Deleted it. Sorry – I tried to support your endeavor, and I failed. Happy Kwanzaa.

  2. Vesta Vayne says:

    Oh for Pete’s sake, that sort of thing annoys me. So silly to be upset over someone wishing you well. There is a lot of that crap over here on the Left Coast.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, I’m sure it’s a lot different than, say, Philadelphia. “Heeeyyy, Merry Christmas, you fuckin’ moolie!”

  3. Rusty says:

    Happy Not-going-to-work-day-so-who-cares-what-its-called day

    • Greg says:

      And a Happy wake-up-with-a-hangover-and-spend-the-rest-of-the-day-trying-to-get-toys-out-of-their-packages-but-have-no-luck-because-of-those-grey-fucking-wires Day to you too!

  4. Thank you. Every year I find one of these “SHUT UP ALREADY ABOUT HAPPY HOLIDAYS” posts and bookmark it as my go-to response for every obnoxious relative screaming about the War on Christmas on their terrifying and hopefully government-monitored Facebook pages. You win the goose this year.

    An aside: The day before Thanksgiving I told someone to have a happy holiday. I started off intending to say “have a good weekend” and then I remembered the next day was Thanksgiving, so I quickly edited to make it appear that I had not completely forgotten the next day was a holiday. And then that person stared at me, deadpan, and said “And you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS.” That wasn’t even the holiday I was talking about, lady. CALM DOWN.

  5. Most of the time the person pitching a fit actually celebrates that holiday. They just don’t like to call it that.

    • Greg says:

      Most of the time, the person pitching a fit secretly wants me to rabbit punch them in the liver. At least, that’s what I believe.

  6. Deb says:

    So vulgar and offensive! how dare you write this!

    OMG this is great! very entertaining! LOVE it!! people need to get a freaking life and stop acting an ass over stuff that is pointless. find a freaking hobby besides bitching!

    well Merry Christmas everyone!

    • Greg says:

      You’re about a year behind, Deb, but that’s ok. When you catch up, just remember, the winning PowerBall numbers for 12/14/2013 are: 14 25 32 33 41 and the PowerBall is 34.

      My cut is 10%.

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