Dunce Armstrong

This is what you look like, by the way.

I was stretching my legs today at lunchtime when I saw what I can only describe as a gaggle of bicyclists: A collection of Lance Armstrong wannabes wearing spandex shorts so colorful that blind people were shielding their eyes, flying down the road, blowing off stop signs, cutting off cars, and otherwise acting like a bunch of fucking assholes. These are the pricks that will lecture people that they need to “share the road” with bicyclists, then get on that road and ignore every traffic law known to mankind. God, how I wish I drove a steamroller to work.

First of all, let’s get something straight, fellas: You are not Lance Armstrong. Oh, sure, you’ve got the asshole aspect of it down pat, but that’s where the resemblance ends. Lance Armstrong got to bang Sheryl Crow after winning a race, whereas you go back to the office and jerk it in a bathroom stall before calling a meeting to discuss some idiotic, buzzword-laden topic like “Leveraging Synergy to Increase Value-Adds” while your coworkers mentally imagine themselves smashing your kneecaps with a hammer.

Also, Lance Armstrong wore tight clothing because he was involved in actual races against the best (read: most doped up) competition in the world, and minute increases in drag could mean the difference between winning and losing a race. You wear spandex bike shorts because you believe that people want to check out your junk. They don’t. They want to see you pinned to the asphalt by a fucking semi-trailer.

And another thing: I notice that when you ride in a pack you’re more likely to violate traffic laws. Here’s a news flash for you, asshole: I can take out the whole group of you just as easily as any single one of you. When you dart in front of a speeding vehicle, the only thing keeping that vehicle from running the whole lot of you down is the driver’s unwillingness to scuff their paint job. Well, guess what? I drive a Jeep and have three kids: I could give a flying fuck about my paint job, and there are many others out there who are just like me. Those guys who drive giant 4×4’s that are covered in mud? Yeah, you probably want to stay away from them.

When I lived in Tucson, there was a group of you assholes who used to ride every morning. They generated so many complaints that the police set up a video camera to catch them in action. They recorded an almost uncountable number of traffic violations, and even caught some of these fuckwits pissing in people’s front yards. So the next day they set up a fake detour and forced the riders into an area that was fenced off, then arrested the whole lot of them. This was shown on the local news that night, and the reaction was unanimous: People thought this was the best thing ever.

And you know why? Not because people don’t want to share the road, not because people are jealous of other people who exercise, not because people don’t like bicyclists, but because people hate assholes.

Stop acting like brightly colored assholes in public, and I will remember to use the brake, and not the accelerator the next time I see a 40-something year old balding accountant trying to recapture his lost youth and testosterone in the middle of the goddamn road dressed in a fluorescent fuchsia unitard.

15 Responses to “Dunce Armstrong”

  1. Nico says:

    Can I behave like a brightly-colored asshole in public, as long as I do it while not on a bike.

  2. Here Here. I’m forwarding this little anecdote to our local law enforcement.

  3. Heather says:

    Those outfits kill me. TO DEATH.
    They scream “anal retentive!” And “control freak!!” And “type-a bully”.
    …. Or is that just Lance?
    Anyway, I refuse to emmerse myself in the biking world our of sheer rebellion against that type.
    And also I’m scared of traffic.

    • Greg says:

      That’s the thing I don’t understand about these choads. They know damn well how dangerous it is out there: Why make it more dangerous by riding like a bunch of assholes?

      Seriously, I am very cautious of bike riders (we have lots out here), and I understand that a lot of people aren’t. But these morons think that just because there are twenty of them they’re invulnerable. They’re not.

  4. Vesta Vayne says:

    Ugh, stupid cyclists. We have tons of them, and they zoom around like total assholes. Sadly, a mass arrest would never fly here, but the mere thought of it makes me happy. I’m sure their little outfits would go over well in county.

    • Greg says:

      Tucson is VERY bike friendly. Some roads even have a median between the road and the bike lane. But they had pissed so many people off for so long, and the video they showed on the news captured all of it. If that happened in LA, I guarantee you that it would fly.

      Hahaha, yeah, county lockup + spandex = bad.

      Inmate: I’m in for murder. What’re you in for?

      Rider: I blew off a stop sign on my Schwinn!

      Inmate: Take your panties off.

  5. PinotNinja says:

    It’s like you are inside of my head! As an actual cyclist who has spent years commuting to work and training on a bike (in NYC for much of that time), these weekend warrior poser douchebags drive me INSANE.

    They give all the rest of us (aka people who are too damn poor to afford a car) a horrible name.

    Although, I have to admit, it feels pretty damn good when I blow past a crew of these idiots wearing shorts and an old t-shirt on my “cheap” bike.

    • Greg says:

      Yes, the poseur/wannabe aspect of it makes it all very irritating.

      I used to work at a place where all the upper executives thought they were cool when they all rode their Harleys to work on Friday. Wearing jeans with creases in them. And a leather cut over a button down shirt & tie. And when they’d get off their “hogs” they’d talk about synergy and shit. Fucking. Lame.

  6. LA Juice says:

    Its not just the “cyclists” who ride around here like they haven’t lost a ball.

    Its the Vespa hoardes that cause the most trouble. 30-40 of them all packed in like sardines hogging both lanes of Northbound PCH, refusing to let vehicles pass just because these butt munches never got a Big Wheel or Green Machine when they were kids. Sometimes its all I can do, not to accidentally bump one.

    Because that is all it would take, you know? just a little clip of one wheel. the whole hoard goes down, maybe a cyclist or two too… At least that is how it goes in my fantasies.

    true fact: a group of flamingo is called a “Flamboyance”. Probably works for vespa groups too.

    • Greg says:

      Ooh, a flamboyance of cyclists. With those neon unitards and the flock behavior, a flamboyance fits them perfectly.

      True Fact of the Day Award goes to Juice!

  7. […] few Monday’s ago, I lusted for a steamroller. Not like […]

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