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Are you lonely? Is there an empty void in your life that can only be filled by enslaving small woodland creatures? Have multiple lobotomies left you incapable of performing even the most basic of pet maintenance tasks? Have you been consuming lead paint chips like fucking Doritos your entire life? If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, you’re probably going to want to start masturbating furiously because I have the answer to all of your problems: The Perfect Polly Pet!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking, “But Greg, I’ve been burned by pet substitutes before!” Hahaha, you asshole! How fucking stupid can you be? Wait, don’t answer that question because I could give a shit what you have to say: You’re not even a pet owner!

But you can change all of that with The Perfect Polly Pet! Think about all of the advantages The Perfect Polly Pet has over other, inferior biology-based pets:

• If you destroy The Perfect Polly Pet in a fit of rage, you cannot be prosecuted!
• If The Perfect Polly Pet won’t shut its fucking yap, you can turn it off with a switch instead of a hammer! (Poor Mr. Bonkers…)
• Some other thing!

Sick and tired of listening to coworkers blather on an on about their precious pets? Imagine the looks on their faces when you whip The Perfect Polly Pet out of your pants! Take that, Jane in accounting! Who’s “dangerously psychotic” now?

But hurry, supplies are limited! Don’t sit there, furrowing your brow in a vain attempt to understand it all: Buy The Perfect Polly Pet today! And if you act within the next 10 hours, we’ll send you a real-life, authentic, synthetic dog. What could be better than an inanimate dog that is still capable of having fleas?

The Perfect Polly Pet! It’s perfect in every way!

Caution: Do not leave the Perfect Polly Pet in direct sunlight. Direct exposure to The Perfect Polly Pet has been shown to cause cancerous growths in field mice. Do not handle the Perfect Polly Pet if you are pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or have ever known someone who has become pregnant. Do not think of apples while in the immediate vicinity of The Perfect Polly Pet.

The Perfect Polly Pet has, in rare circumstances, become a portal through which the anti-Christ is capable of traveling resulting in the immediate devouring of your soul.

Although statistically unlikely, The Perfect Polly Pet may achieve sentience and begin to control your thoughts and actions via telekinesis.

Common side effects of owning The Perfect Polly Pet include, but are not limited to, chafing, double-vision, irritable bladder syndrome, spontaneous baldness, a sudden ability to speak Portuguese, explosive decapitation, and Scurvy 2.0.

Consult a physician if your erection lasts more than four hours.

The Perfect Polly Pet is not to be used anally.