Earlier today, I was looking at my site’s Alexa rankings, something I do when I feel the need to weep for mankind. Dogs on Drugs routinely ranks in the top 1% of all domain names issued worldwide. That cracks me up. I get this mental image of someone going to great lengths to create an informative and well crafted website about, say, thorium nuclear power plants and how they promise to solve our energy needs cleanly, safely, and pave the way for a better tomorrow, only they get no traffic because everyone’s over here reading my latest batch of dick jokes. Hahaha! Suck it, society!
Anyway, as I was giggling at that I saw something I’d never noticed before. A long time ago, I wrote a post about beauty pageants, and in the course of writing that post made a crack about vaginal botox, the idea being that somewhere, there was a disreputable plastic surgeon who made money off of working on desperate women trying to win the Miss Senior America pageant, and since he was that repugnant, he probably offered vaginal botox as a way to smooth out, aged, unsightly meat curtains. Highbrow stuff, no? (Still, more popular than saving the world via thorium reactors.)
This was before I knew that there was actually a vaginal botox procedure, and it had nothing to do with ironing out wrinkled wizard sleeves. It is used on women for whom intercourse is painful. I guess you just kind of stun the muscles down there, wave your partner in and let him go to Poundtown while you file your nails and read the latest issue of Vogue.
Painful intercourse, you’ll notice, isn’t a problem for guys. We’d just power through that shit because guys are shallow, perverted creatures whose sole purpose on earth is to spread their genes and watch football, simultaneously if at all possible. If you told the average guy that every time he had sex, he’d lose 5 IQ points, he’d think, “Cool! I can have sex twenty times!” and a month later he’d be engaged solely in activities requiring no thought whatsoever such as drooling in a gutter, or serving in Congress. (This is what happened to Ryan Seacrest.)
So I made this uninformed, tasteless joke and exactly zero people were surprised. Down in the post tags section, I added an afterthought to the idea of vaginal botox: “A better name would be poontox”. And this is where Alexa comes in.
According to Alexa, searches for the word “poontox” account for almost 70% of the traffic I get from search engines.
I would have thought that there would be more effective ways to pull traffic my way, such as writing things like:
Miley Cyrus twerks in final Breaking Bad episode, to be aired before the Led Zeppelin reunion tour announcement
Obama/Lady Gaga sex tape surfaces
But poontox? Who woulda thunk it? Certainly not me, I gave up thunking for Lent.
It does give me an idea, though. I should start putting up posts about poontox in an effort to gain a larger audience, and then BAM! High def dick-pics. (C’mon, if you’re honest with yourself, you know deep down that this entire site is just a ruse, designed to get as many people as possible to look at my junk.)
Do I need poontox? While poontox has been proven to ease pain related with sexual intercourse, it is not for everyone. For instance, if you’ve got a great big cock? Yeah, not for you. Otherwise, knock yourself out. Go nuts. I mean, you’re only injecting botulism toxin into your beaver. What’s the worst that could happen?
What is the worst that could happen? Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that.
No, I’m worried. What is the worst that could happen? Vaginal barking.
Barking? You mean like a dog? Actually, more like a deranged seal. Don’t worry, though. This is a rare side-effect of poontox, occurring in less than 40% of all poontox users.
What do I do if I suffer from vaginal barking? We suggest wearing padded underwear and turning the stereo up.
Is vaginal barking a permanent condition? Goodness, no. Vaginal barking typically subsides two to three months after death.
That must make for some interesting funerals. If by interesting you mean hilarious, then yes.
Will poontox really put an end to painful intercourse? Sure, why not?
How do I get poontox? Ask your doctor about poontox and if it is right for you.
I go to a reputable doctor, though: Oh, in that case, you’ll be glad to know that you can apply for a free poontox trial pack for only $499.99. Simply email firstname.lastname@example.org. Be sure to enclose your credit card number as well as an HD picture of your lady parts so that our medical experts can make an “instant diagnosis”.
Wait, why did you put the words “instant diagnosis” in quotes like that? This is legit, right? “Yes”