A Black Day

One day in the distant future, my grandchildren will ask me, “Grandpa, where were you when you heard the news?” And I will, of course, ignore them because I will be too busy watching three-way insertion porn on Fox. Yes, that’s the future of Fox. Don’t act surprised. (But because it is Fox, it will be conservative insertion porn, with no migrant workers or welfare mothers involved.)

Undeterred, my grandkids will continue to pester me until I am forced to answer them. “Goddamit! Michelle Bachman Mark IV was about to stuff a miniature harpsichord! Why can’t you kids be more goddamn respectful of your elders?”

“But grandpa,” my grandkids will respond, “We want to know where you were when you heard the news!”

“Oh,” I’ll answer, my voice mournful and somber, sadness replacing my normal, strident tone. “You mean… The News.” And I will tell them that on October 15th, 2013, at exactly 11:04 AM, I was standing in line at the grocery store when I looked over and saw that Star magazine had just announced that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott were broke.

Seriously, this is what passes for headline news in Star magazine, which makes the National Enquirer look like the Harvard Law Review only with pictures of Whitney Houston’s corpse on the cover. I cannot imagine a universe in which I give a flying fuck about how much or how little money is in Tori Spelling’s bank account. I would argue that William Shatner’s toaster settings are more meaningful to the average American than anything related to that talentless, frog-faced, bag of ugly with tits.

Will be born to famous father for food.

I bet even her banker can’t be bothered with such trivial bullshit.

Tori: I’d like to know what my options are, now that I’m broke.

Banker: AAAUUUGGGGHHHH! Tori Spelling! (presses silent alarm)

Have you ever watched the Biography Channel? Here is the only context in which Tori Spelling’s name ever comes up in the boardroom at the Biography Channel.

Executive VP in Charge of Programming: Ok, let’s look forward to Sweeps Week. What do we have?

Executive VP in Charge of Production: We’ve got Tori Spelling or Kent Rayburn.

Executive VP in Charge of Programming: Kent Rayburn?

Executive VP in Charge of Production: Yeah, he’s a carpet salesman from Tecumseh, Iowa.

Executive VP in Charge of Programming: What kind of carpeting?

Executive VP in Charge of Production: Shag.

Executive VP in Charge of Programming: Ok, let’s get him a 6 hour docu-drama mini-series. Call Mattel and see how quickly they can churn out ten thousand units of a Kent Rayburn action figure, and call Paramount and ask if they’ve got any interest in securing rights for a feature length movie.

Executive VP in Charge of Production: Gotcha. And what should I tell Tori Spelling?.

Executive VP in Charge of Programming: Tell that frog-faced bitch I need more coffee!

Yeah, so if you could go ahead and get me some more coffee and stop being so God awful hideous, that’d be terrific, ok?

What really freaks me out is that I live in a country where people truly consider this news. There’s a government shutdown going on, the US is on the verge of defaulting and spiraling the world economy into the shitter, and there are people who could give a rat’s ass about that but see this headline and think, “Oh, no! I really liked her in that thing she did.”

I see these people in line at the grocery store, not only reading these headlines, but discussing them with all the gravitas of the fucking MacNeil Lehrer Report. I feel like dropping a bunch of beets in their cart. “Here, these are supposed to help boost your IQ. You should probably eat five or six tons.”

I don’t have an issue with celebrity itself. I get it, to a certain extent. It is only natural to admire someone who does something that you enjoy. Hell, that’s why I hide out in the bushes behind Pac-Man’s house. No, it’s the idolizing of people who are famous for no other reason than they are famous that bothers me. Here, in alphabetical order, are Tori Spelling’s notable achievements:

• Being born

So why does anyone have even the remotest interest in what she wears, how much money she has, or if there’s any truth to the rumor that she once set an orangutan on fire for kicks? Are we so devoid of role models that we effectively pick people at random?

The answer, clearly, is yes. So here’s who I think we should idolize next: Anne Sellors.

Yes, Anne Sellors. You may not know her now, but she is about to be motherfucking famous because she has done more things to be deserving of fame than Tori Spelling has, namely, pissing herself on film.

That’s right, Anne Sellors played “Woman Who Urinates Herself” in the TV movie Threads. More than you’ve ever done, Kardashian.

Now that is celebrity, people. Watch Anne in her most memorable role and tell me that she didn’t deserve at least 17 Oscars for this (click to play):

Ok, people, start worshipping. You’re going to want to start off with a tasteful Anne Sellors Fan Club website, order up t-shirts with her likeness on it, and maybe start naming your kids after her (“Goddamit, Sellors, stop jumping on the fuckin’ couch!”). Me? I’m going to hide in her bushes, although truth be told, I’ve been running this blog from there for months now.