If you’re a US citizen, like I am, then you’re lucky enough to be living in a country where even the poorest citizens are earning more than 98% of the rest of the world. Pretty awesome, right? High five! Yes, us Americans live high on the hog, which is only fitting considering what a lot of us look like. And because we’re so relatively wealthy, we do totally stupid shit like pluck our eyebrows and draw them back on with a Sharpie, or pay total strangers to rub sugar on our feet. Hell, we’re so fucking wasteful and spoiled that we drink gold. Think about that. Gold is expensive, has millions of practical uses, can be used in decorative jewelry, but fuck that: Let’s get drunk off that shit! Seriously, if we could freebase diamonds, I’m sure that’d be next.
Another way to measure how over-the-top spoiled we Americans are: We give our government so much money that they spend $172 million in five years on penis pumps. Let’s put that another way: If you worked at Walmart, selling Goldschlager to fat, spoiled Americans, you would have to work 23.7 million hours in order to earn an amount of money equivalent to what the federal government spends on penis pumps. Either Walmart pays its employees jack shit, the federal government has way too much money on its hands, or in this case, both.
Always on the lookout for a breaking news story to better educate my readers, I called the Congressional Budget Office to see if I could get my hands on some other, related facts.
Congressional Budget Office: Hello, this is the Congressional Budget Office, may I help you?
Me: Yes, can you tell me what the total federal expenditures were for cock rings in fiscal year 2013?
Congressional Budget Office: Is this Greg again? We told you to stop calling!
They’re on to me. Nevertheless, I feel that it is my duty as an American citizen to provide you with a statistic, so let’s just say that the feds spend $27.3 billion a year on cock rings. Isn’t that an outrage? I know I’m outraged, and more than a little high. If you’re a US citizen, I think you should write your senator an indignant email demanding to know why we spend so much money on cock rings each year. I did:
Dear Senator McCain,
I would like to know why the United States government spends $27.3 billion a year on cock rings (source: What I imagine the Congressional Budget Office would have said if those pussies hadn’t had my number blocked). Seriously, maybe you ought to have the NSA start listening in on some calls over at the CBO. I bet they spend half their time ripped to the tits on tequila and printer toner. I don’t want to engage in speculation, let alone libel, but I’m pretty sure that the Director of the CBO, Douglas “Dougie” Elmendorf was once filmed in flagrante delicto with a washing machine at Sears. Those fuckers at the CBO may work hard, but they play even harder, and I think it’s only natural to distrust people who would sneak in your bedroom window at night with dollar signs in their eyes and Boy Scout handbooks and lube in their pockets.
Enclosed please find a drawing I made of you, me, and Jesus dancing under a rainbow. Douglas “Dougie” Elmendorf is the vicious, furry, green freak off to the side. I think he has an erection, probably from a federal penis pump.
(For those of you who are bound to ask, yes, I really sent that, although for safety reasons, I used someone else’s name and email address. I also mentioned that I had a lot of pot lying around the house and presented a danger to myself and others.)
By now you’re asking yourself, “But Greg, what else can I, a concerned citizen, do about this? Should I take up arms and participate in a bloody revolution?” Of course not, that would be illegal and morally wrong. Save that anger for when ABC refuses my repeated requests to bring back the Love Boat.
What you should do is plant the seeds for future change by taking it to the children. They, after all, will be the leaders of tomorrow. The next time you are at a PTA meeting, stand up tall and announce loudly enough for the entire room to hear, “The federal government spent $172 million on penis pumps!” This is bound to get results.