Everything’s Big In Texas

I bet you anything he called the QB Tony Homo at one point.

Texas is a Big State. It is full of Big Texas People, jowly businessmen with Big Hats and Big Physiques that resemble a side of beef. They drive Big Cadillacs with Big Horns mounted over the grill, and they do Big Business before going home to their Big Wives, and their Big Kids, on the Big Ranch. It’s Texas. It’s Big. And in Texas, you either Go Big, or you Go Home. Or you go Fucking Apeshit Crazy.

The following video was shot in Texas, and it shows a Texas-Sized Flipout of Monumental Proportions. Seriously, it starts off a little tame, but really picks up the pace later on. Here, take a look for yourself:

First of all, I would like to commend our insane Texas friend for his utter devotion to The Cause. I’m not sure what The Cause is, exactly, but it is clear that he is willing to sacrifice almost everything for The Cause including, but not limited to, the following:

  • A coffee table
  • An ancient videogame console
  • An ersatz chandelier
  • A television set
  • A guitar
  • A dining room table
  • A kitchen countertop
  • Several chairs
  • A fish tank
  • A fish
  • A refrigerator
  • An apartment that is about to be declared an EPA Superfund Disaster site

His devotion is such that even when he woke up the morning to find his apartment an uninhabitable shithole, his reaction was undoubtedly, “Fuck all y’all, it was worth it.” (Seriously, I would be willing to wager insane amounts of money that those were the very first words out of his mouth the next morning, and I would be very surprised if anyone would take me up on that bet.)

Of course, as with any flipout, we need to judge it based on the merits.

Use of Profanity: 10 – The F-Bombs appear early and often and are mixed with other profanities so as to not become repetitive. The use of the phrase “APESHIT FUCKING MODE!” was an obvious highlight, as was the tired, “Fuck y’all, I’m goin’ to bed.” But even in the slower moments, the profanity was present, ensuring high marks.

Completeness of Destruction: 9 – The destruction was fairly thorough, but points had to be taken off for a failure to punch holes in the drywall, and a relative lack of thrown projectiles. Flipping the kitchen table was a nice, albeit traditional touch, but the highlight of the evening was clearly the removal of the kitchen countertop from its moorings, and impressive display of strength and idiocy that is seldom seen outside of a trailer park setting.

Unintelligible Vocalisms: 10 – No flipout is complete without an unintelligible scream, and our hero comes through with not one, but two quality screams of the crazed variety. These are screams that one would normally associate with an insane asylum, or possibly during repeat screening of the movie Gigli, and their inclusion here raises the overall score of the flipout.

Complete Lack Of Common Sense: 9.5 – Some flipouts suffer from the fact that they are understandable. But this person completely lost his shit over the actions of men he does not know playing a sport that he has not played. And not only that, but it wasn’t even the playoffs. So leaving a Hurricane Katrina-level swathe of destruction in his wake made little to no sense, and for this I applaud him.

Intangibles: 7 – I appreciated the general shithole ambience of the apartment, but felt that it lacked certain features that could have enhanced the overall experience. A mounted animal head, for instance, or a “Don’t Mess With Texas” poster. The box of chicken wing bones was nice, and the presence of a fish tank with a purple-stone motif was unexpected, but worked surprisingly well and I also noticed a small artificial Christmas tree in the dining room, the presence of which indicates that the post-Christmas cleanup in 2013 never happened, all of which increased an otherwise mediocre score.

Overall Score: 9.1  An excellent score from the Lone Star State, and one that will remain in serious contention for Flipout of the Year unless video is obtained documenting reaction to a recent tax increase on Skoal in West Virginia in which case all bets are off.

13 Responses to “Everything’s Big In Texas”

  1. Vonny says:

    Jesus, his stupidity is mind-boggling. I guess his mates are glad he didn’t have a gun.

    I give him a 3.2 for the fuckwittedness of caring that much about a football game.

  2. Rose says:

    I’m taking a break from my job as a CPS worker in east LA, to sit and comprehend the drama going on in this little man’s life. Poor thing. To have victory taken from him by….who? The Redskins?
    Well, damn them Redskins. Nobody understands priorities like this genius.
    I think I’ll watch that again!

    • Greg says:

      I dunno, the more I watch this, the more I think that a loss to the Redskins should automatically trigger APE SHIT FUCKING MODE! across the country. It would be entertaining as hell to watch.

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    Ah, the motherland.

    Football is serious business there, dontcha know?

    • Greg says:

      Oh, hell yeah. There are folks out there who would have this kind of reaction to a high school game. Serious bidness, y’all.

  4. Groovekitten says:

    Trust me when I say that being a Cowboys fan will create emotions within you that psychiatrists are too frightened to study. While I didn’t flip over any tables, that game pissed me off pretty badly.

  5. Nico says:

    I like how they obviously all know he’s prone to fits, so they start prepping early by saving the bottle caps they don’t feel like picking up later. There’s only going to be wing sauce and dry wall dust all over the kitchen, but fuck. Picking up the caps is just too much to deal with.

  6. Reanna says:

    Had he actually smashed the TV, I’d give him full points. Without that, he’s just a drunk douche looking for attention.

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