Guys Are Disgusting Perverts

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Guys are filthy, disgusting perverts who cannot walk 30 feet in public without thinking of shit so foul that it would make Larry Flynt cry. You know how I know this to be true (besides, you know, being a guy)? My iPhone told me so.

The following screenshot is from a game called Passion Puzzle. It’s called a “dating simulator”, which is totally, 100% accurate because if there’s one thing we all know, it’s that women require their dates to match different colored gems before they let them into the Fun Zone.

It says here that the goal of the game is to “seduce as many women as you can”. That’s sounds kind of hot, don’t you think? I think so, although to be fair, my goal as a freshman in high school was also to seduce as many women as possible, and trust me when I tell you this: There is nothing less hot than freshman year in high school.

Let’s look at another screenshot, shall we?

I guess part of what makes the game “difficult” is that “each conversation and question costs you energy,” so although you are allowed to ask Emilia how many labia piercings she has, you are not allowed to issue a followup question (i.e. “Can I see?”). Again, in my experience, this is 100% accurate.

If you’re getting the impression that this game is geared towards the type of deviant that is currently banned from Build-a-Bear Workshop, you’re catching on. I mean…

Remind me to ask Emilia why Cyndi doesn’t have a belly button.

I can’t help but thinking that this game missed its window of opportunity. This is a screenshot from Custer’s Revenge, the reviled 1982 video game in which the goal was to rape as many Native American women as possible. Really. No shit. Some asshole woke up one morning and thought to himself, “I wonder if it’s possible to be such a reprehensible scumbag that even hell won’t let you in,” and Custer’s Revenge was born. Anyway, this is what the game looked like:

Where to begin? Ok, first of all, I should note that Custer’s Revenge sold over 80,000 copies at $130 (in 2018 dollars), even though all of the following things are true:

• The videogame was previewed to a select group of women’s rights activists and Native American women. (I bet that was fun.)
• The package states that “if kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are dancing,” which is probably a lot more difficult than it sounds with your dick in your hands.
• The game was later rebranded Westward Ho.

So that’s over $10 million in revenue because guys are revolting blobs of testosterone and Schlitz who think nothing of spending hard earned money on a game in which a cowboy rapes what looks to be an ant. That’s life pre-internet for you. Unable to lookup “Japanese insertion porn” on a moment’s notice, men took interest in the next best thing, even if the next best thing happened to be a credenza.

Remember ONTV? ONTV was a premium television channel that showed softcore pornography after midnight. It got away with doing so because the signal was “encrypted”, by which I mean that they swapped the left and right hand sides of the screen, separated them with a line, and made the whole screen wave a bit. Did this stop pubescent boys from watching? Not to judge by the number of male classmates that came to school cross-eyed every Monday morning.

I once watched Goodbye Emmanuelle, a French softcore flick on ONTV. At one point I vividly remember thinking that two women were 69ing each other, only to find out that what I’d been looking at was a guy tying a boat to a dock. Did I stop watching? Of course not.

This just in: Goodbye Emmanuelle has a theme song, and these are the lyrics:

(Chorus)
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, Goodbye Emmanuelle
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, Goodbye Emmanuelle
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, Goodbye Emmanuelle
Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle, Goodbye…

Emmanuelle loves to be caressed with mouths and hands
Emmanuelle loves intellectuals and working men

(Chorus)

Emmanuelle did not learn to love from schoolbooks
Emmanuelle needs her yearly dose of “I love you”

(Chorus)

Emmanuelle loves to be caressed with mouths and hands
Emmanuelle loves intellectuals and working men

Passion Puzzle clearly belongs in an era in which pornography was hard to come by. I recently read an article about this poor bastard with a pornography addiction. He wrote at length about the various and sundry ways that it ruined his life, and in the process of doing so, admitted to watching a video in which (hold on to your hats, kids) a man gave a woman a pond-water and tadpole enema. (One would hope that this guy is no longer allowed in the bait shop.)

We live in a time when unspeakably filthy material abounds (see: this entire site), so it’s kind of hard to understand where Passion Puzzle fits in. You have to have a phone to play it, but if you have a phone, you also have access to much more graphic material, eliminating the need for Passion Puzzle. All I know is that this game shouldn’t exist, guys are horny scumbags, and goddamn, this game is a lot harder to win than you’d expect.