The Week In Review

Can someone tell me why the fuck my kids can’t wear Halloween costumes to school tomorrow? I’ve asked the school, of course, and the standard answer they give you is that costumes would be a “safety issue”. Bullshit. (WARNING: IN-MY-DAY ALERT) In my day, we wore costumes to school and if anyone was wearing something that might be unsafe, they were asked to remove it. And there’s nothing to prevent schools from continuing that practice today.

The real reason is that a vocal minority of people believe Halloween is Satanic and complain to the school. Rather than telling these people that they are free to keep their kids home from school that day, they fucking cave. It’s easier to take the fun away from everyone than it is to stand up to these people and tell them that they will not impose their religious beliefs on the entire school during what is a secular holiday.

I honestly don’t care what anyone believes when it comes to the afterlife. You can believe that God’s name is Oom-Tak and wine shoots out of his seven eyes (which, now that I think about it, would be pretty awesome). Have at it, champ. But if you show up at my kid’s school and demand that no Valentine’s Day events take place because that offends Oom-Tak, I have a fucking problem with it. Everyone is entitled to beliefs that are not the norm. But it is your responsibility to prepare your children for the fact that others believe and do things that you might find offensive. The onus is not on everyone else to shelter your wiener kids.

You know what? I’ve just decided that it is against my religion to NOT place severed goat heads and pentagrams on the doorsteps of people who complain to school about Halloween costumes. There, now everybody cave in to me and make me happy for a fucking change.

I Google image-searched the term "severed goat head", and this is what it came up with. I fucking LOVE the internet.

Ok, too serious. Must be all that coffee flavored tequila I drank last night (seriously, it sounds horrible, but it is delicious). So here’s a joke:

A man and a woman start to have sex in a dark forest one night. After a while the man says, “Dammit, I wish I had a flashlight.” “Me too,” replies the woman, “You’ve been eating grass for the past 15 minutes.”

On to the week you missed while picking grass out of your teeth:

• On Sunday, we learned the best possible use for French dressing.
• On Monday, we listened to Pink Floyd in the Oval Office, then ate all the Pringles in the pantry.
• Also on Monday, we learned that although “No” still means “No”, it’s hard to say “No” on nitrous oxide.
• On Tuesday, we cursed advertising for making our lives wonderful.
• On Wednesday, we learned what it takes to tackle the tallest mountains.
• On Thursday, we learned to never let our kids visit LazyTown.
• And on Friday, we learned why news anchors sit behind a desk.

As always., be sure to email me a question for the Weekly Hypothetical (or comment it below) as soon as possible. The question can be anything, as long as I can answer it without thinking, doing research, or (ideally) being awake.

And for no reason at all, here’s a video I like to call, “You got yourself a keeper there, pal.”