Ladies: Don’t Let Trannies Put Things In Your Butt

We all have ground rules in our lives, things that we use as a handy moral compass for our daily activities. That way when we do something horrible like install a wireless webcam in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room, we can say to ourselves, “Well, that wasn’t my best moment, but at least I didn’t beat my kids today!” Then you can post the resulting footage on secretjigglefest.com with a somewhat clear conscious. (I’ll let you know when that site is up, by the way.) But while many of our ground rules may differ, there is one rule that should be iron-clad and applied across the board: If you’re hosting a party and a tranny wants you to pay her $700 to put things in your butt, you should probably pass on that.

I bring this up because apparently women in the Miami area are not adhering to this rule. I give you one Oneal Ron Morris, a transgender woman who was setting up “pumping parties” where she would inject (hold on to your fucking hats here, kids) cement, Fix-a-Flat tire sealant, and mineral oil into women’s buttocks then seal up the incision with super-glue. Clearly this is not something the medical community, or even people with minimally functional brain cells would encourage.

Oneal Ron Morris, who I should mention is ALLEGED to have committed the crime of practicing without a medical license. She is presumed innocent until such time as a jury looks at her ass, at which point any questions about whether or not she likes injecting cement into asses becomes academic.

Seriously, how brain dead do you have to be to let this woman lift your ass up with a car jack and pump Fix-A-Flat into it? And call me crazy, but aren’t women in general supposed to have an unhealthy obsession with losing weight? How, exactly, is that end accomplished by jamming a fucking sidewalk into your ass? One more time, because apparently some people need to hear it again: Cement is not supposed to go into your body. Not even for kicks.

I seriously cannot believe that this shit happened, and happened multiple times too according to the Miami Gardens Police Department who is urging other victims to come forward and, I would assume, stop being complete fucking dipshits. You want to know how this conversation would have gone down if it was at a party at my house?

Me: Hey, how’re you doing? Having a good time?

Tranny: Yes, but I was noticing your butt is so skinny! You need to do something about that!

Me: My butt is skinny?

Tranny: Yes! And you should do something about it, you know, round it out a little.

Me: My butt is skinny and you want to make it less so, am I getting that right?

Tranny: Look, let me go get some Quick-crete, Fix-a-Flat, and Crazy Glue and I’ll fix you up right here on the kitchen table.

Me: Get the fuck out of my house.

Now a #1 Bestseller on the New York Times' Tranny Bestseller List!