Fork You

Avoid a sextet of forced marriages with this lovely line of sterling silver cutlery, sure to bring you a life time of happiness and culinary satisfaction...

One of the great things about the internet is that it gives you access to strange headlines from around the world. I grew up in a rural suburb of Chicago, so I was limited to the headlines from my local newspaper (“Nothing is happening”), Chicago’s newspaper (“Voter turnout high in cemeteries”), and occasionally we’d get a glimpse of Milwaukee’s newspaper (“Sausage Good!”). Now, with the advent of the internet, I can learn, with one click of a mouse, that people are avoiding forced marriages by jamming cutlery in their underwear: Spoon in underwear saving youths from forced marriage.

FoxNews.com (motto: If you read it on FOX, it’s true! Or totally fabricated!) reports that British teens of Asian descent are being taken out of the country to be forced into marriage, and in order to prevent this from happening are being told to stick a spoon in their underwear, the thought being that there are very few problems in life that can’t be solved with a spoon in your Jockeys.

Actually, the spoon is meant to set off a metal detector, which allows authorities to detain the luckless teen and execute them on the spot, saving them the horror of marriage. Seriously, Edward Snowden reveals that (gasp!) the NSA spies on people, and there’s an instant international manhunt, but there are people forcing other people into matrimony and zero drones are assigned to blow their asses off the planet. Zero. This world has gone completely crazy.

Anyway, the spoon-in-the-underwear gambit reminds me of the policy they have at the emergency room here in the states. When a patient is being triaged, they are asked (with no one else around), “Do you feel safe at home?” They’re supposed to ask everyone, but in practice they only ask women and children. This is wrong. If they had ever asked me if I felt safe at home, I would’ve told them, “Hell no, I don’t feel safe at home! My mother-in-law knows where I live, and that battle-axe could take me out with a single swing of her arm fat!”

Anyway, I whole-heartedly endorse the spoon in the undies move and encourage all good people to keep an emergency forced marriage spoon (or EFMS) on their person at all times. And, of course, should a spoon not be available, other cutlery options are available to you as well, such as jamming a fork in your dickhole.

I have to admit, when I first saw this story, the picture was featured prominently (for obvious reasons), and I figured, “So a guy stuck a fork up his ass. Big deal, probably just a sexual deviant, or just your ordinary person living in Minnesota.” But then I read the headline:

Man, 70, has 10 cm steel kitchen fork removed from inside his PENIS after sexual adventure gone wrong

(You can tell this is from the British press, as they tastefully capitalized the word “penis” for maximum effect. What do you expect from the people that once announced, “Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Eaten By Badger”? Really. No shit. Yes, it turned out to be a hoax, and yes, I find myself oddly disappointed.)

Anyway, back to Mr. Forks… According to the Mail Online, the fork in the dickhole was the result of “sexual adventure gone wrong”, which begs the question, what was going to happen if it went right? Personally, I can think of no possible outcome involving a fork and my junk that would cause me to say, “Wow, that was awesome.” The words “fork” and “penis” belong in the same sentence about as well as “chastity” and “Courtney Love”, which is to say not at all.

I had a boss once who had an unpleasant sensation South of the border, if you catch my drift, and went to see a urologist who promptly crammed a fucking camera down his dickhole. You’d think a urologist would know better. Anyway, when he was done taking Polaroids or whatever, he asked him, “Do you ever stick anything in there?”

“You mean besides cameras? No. Why?”

“Well, you’ve got what looks like a very small hole in your urethra. There are a lot of causes, actually, but if you do stick things in there you need to stop.”

“What? I don’t stick anything in there!”

“Ok, fine.”

“Wait, what do people put in there?”

And the urologist launched into a story about an unfortunate man whose stamina didn’t quite satisfy his wife, so after he “finished”, they crammed a #2 pencil in there so he could finish her off as well. Good God, that makes me fucking cringe just writing it, but that’s not nearly as bad as putting a god damn fork in there. Unless the guy has a prehensile wang and planned on eating himself a hands-free salad, I just don’t fucking get it.

Of course, in the interest of accounting for all the utensils:

And you never know when you’re going to need some salt…

After what was no doubt a memorable dinner, you’ll want to mix up a martini or two..

Holy shit, people, it’s an asshole, not a fucking amusement park. Give that thing a rest!

I have a friend who is a doctor who did his residency in Iowa City, Iowa. According to him, pulling stuff out of people’s nether regions was common. “Oh yeah, you get these farmers with weird kinks cramming all kinds of shit up there, and then it goes wrong and they live in a real small town, so they drive all the way to Iowa City to get it removed. I’ve seen all kinds of things in there. Light bulbs…”

Yeah. Light bulbs. There are people walking this green Earth who look at a light bulb and think, “You know, I should really put that in my ass.” And we call them Iowans. (They also all have penis cancer.)

But the point of this post wasn’t dirty, filthy, ass-stuffing perverts, it was being able to laugh at dirty, filthy, ass-stuffing perverts (and the accompanying headlines) with the click of a mouse.

Isn’t the internet wonderful? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat dinner. To be safe, I’m using chopsticks.

20 Responses to “Fork You”

  1. Vonny says:

    At least it wasn’t tines end first.

    The first link doesn’t work.

    • Greg says:

      Thanks for the link policing. Works now.

      Yes, after I realized where the fork had been placed, that was the first thing I checked. If it had gone tines first I don’t know that I could’ve handled it. I probably would’ve burned down the internet.

      • Reanna says:

        But how did he imagine he’d get it out? Those tines were going to come into play at some point.

        • Greg says:

          When a person’s thought process goes like this:

          1. Horny as fuck

          2. I’m in the kitchen

          3. Guess I’ll shove a fork in my dickhole

          I can pretty much guarantee you the thought process stopped right there.

  2. Reanna says:

    An sculptor friend of mine was planning a show about what aliens find when they abduct humans. She used dental cement. After a trip to Emerg, she got a friend to help with future extractions. I dunno who bought all that shit at the show, but it must have been aliens. Or Iowans.

    On an entirely serious note, while spoons seem ridiculous, this is a great idea for forced marriages and girls being shipped off for circumcision over the summer.

    • Greg says:

      Cecil Adams, of Straight Dope fame, wrote a legendary article about all of the various things that have been found “up there” (a carborundum grindstone with handle, being the wackiest one I recall). He also notes that “In 1955 one man who was ‘feeling depressed’ reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anteriour rectal wall. This changed his mood multo rapido.”

      Wow.

      Yes, I agree fully with the spoon in the undies gambit.

  3. Becky says:

    So wait, I got a little lost. What was the point of the spoon in the undies? How did that prevent a forced marriage??

    As to the other stuff – no one should be embarrassed by what turns them self on…but seriously. A pencil? That’s what viagra is for sweetie. A lot less painful to ask your doctor for that than have him remove a lost pencil from your bladder or explain why you have a hole in your dick from storing one in there. Good lord. How did he get a pencil up there anyhow? That is definitely not a number 2 sized hole. Sigh. Now I’m going to be pondering penis holes and why/what gets shoved up them. Thanks Greg.

    • Greg says:

      The idea is that when security whisks the kid away, she can tell them that she’s being forced into a marriage, and the authorities will prevent it from happening somehow.

      Yeah, I admit that I don’t get the pencil thing either. While hunting for pictures for this post (which was rather crazy) I ran across a page that claimed that cramming things in the dickhole is a pleasurable experience, and I instantly recoiled. I highly doubt that is true.

  4. Nico says:

    For reasons that wouldn’t make sense even if I explained them, I belong to a group on Facebook which involves a lot of nudity (not mine) and sexual kinks (nope, still not mine, sorry) and there have been a couple of guys into the penile insertion thing.

    I do not understand it. Good god. I read that fork thing and I was like “the WHOLE fork was in there?!”

    So he somehow got the tines down there, and you still couldn’t see it upon visual inspection? Gah.

    • Greg says:

      Uh-huh, we’ve all heard about the groups you belong to, sicko.

      I too am blown away by how far this goofy fucker put that fork. I mean, look at a normal fork. The bottom of it is plenty wide. That looks painful as all hell. And he got the whole thing in there! Arrrggghhh! I’m going to be walking hunched over today just thinking about it.

  5. Nico says:

    Also, and I can’t believe I’m even paying enough attention to say this, I think it’s Edward Snowden.

  6. Vesta Vayne says:

    Wow, people never cease to amaze me. How stupid do you have to be to shove a pencil up there, and how is that even possible? I wonder if there was a conversation about what object to use, like, did she suggest a toothbrush first? And also, IF someone was going to insert a foreign object up his dick, why wouldn’t you at least use a pen, and thus avoid the possibility of splinters?

    These are not the questions I should be asking myself at eight o’clock in the morning, thanks Greg.

    • Greg says:

      No charge, Vesta.

      I cannot say that I suffer from a lack of stamina, but I have to imagine that if I did, I would explore other options before resorting to pencil cramming. Sheesh.

  7. ex says:

    [This comment was from my ex-wife who apparently believes that harassment shouldn’t end at sending me unwanted emails and texts, but should also extend to pestering me with comments on a web site that she is absolutely free to ignore if she so chooses. – Greg]

  8. ex says:

    [And because she can’t leave well enough alone, and has to attempt to make me miserable in every single way possible, she harassed me with another one. – Greg]

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