One of the great things about the internet is that it gives you access to strange headlines from around the world. I grew up in a rural suburb of Chicago, so I was limited to the headlines from my local newspaper (“Nothing is happening”), Chicago’s newspaper (“Voter turnout high in cemeteries”), and occasionally we’d get a glimpse of Milwaukee’s newspaper (“Sausage Good!”). Now, with the advent of the internet, I can learn, with one click of a mouse, that people are avoiding forced marriages by jamming cutlery in their underwear: Spoon in underwear saving youths from forced marriage.
FoxNews.com (motto: If you read it on FOX, it’s true! Or totally fabricated!) reports that British teens of Asian descent are being taken out of the country to be forced into marriage, and in order to prevent this from happening are being told to stick a spoon in their underwear, the thought being that there are very few problems in life that can’t be solved with a spoon in your Jockeys.
Actually, the spoon is meant to set off a metal detector, which allows authorities to detain the luckless teen and execute them on the spot, saving them the horror of marriage. Seriously, Edward Snowden reveals that (gasp!) the NSA spies on people, and there’s an instant international manhunt, but there are people forcing other people into matrimony and zero drones are assigned to blow their asses off the planet. Zero. This world has gone completely crazy.
Anyway, the spoon-in-the-underwear gambit reminds me of the policy they have at the emergency room here in the states. When a patient is being triaged, they are asked (with no one else around), “Do you feel safe at home?” They’re supposed to ask everyone, but in practice they only ask women and children. This is wrong. If they had ever asked me if I felt safe at home, I would’ve told them, “Hell no, I don’t feel safe at home! My mother-in-law knows where I live, and that battle-axe could take me out with a single swing of her arm fat!”
Anyway, I whole-heartedly endorse the spoon in the undies move and encourage all good people to keep an emergency forced marriage spoon (or EFMS) on their person at all times. And, of course, should a spoon not be available, other cutlery options are available to you as well, such as jamming a fork in your dickhole.
I have to admit, when I first saw this story, the picture was featured prominently (for obvious reasons), and I figured, “So a guy stuck a fork up his ass. Big deal, probably just a sexual deviant, or just your ordinary person living in Minnesota.” But then I read the headline:
(You can tell this is from the British press, as they tastefully capitalized the word “penis” for maximum effect. What do you expect from the people that once announced, “Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Eaten By Badger”? Really. No shit. Yes, it turned out to be a hoax, and yes, I find myself oddly disappointed.)
Anyway, back to Mr. Forks… According to the Mail Online, the fork in the dickhole was the result of “sexual adventure gone wrong”, which begs the question, what was going to happen if it went right? Personally, I can think of no possible outcome involving a fork and my junk that would cause me to say, “Wow, that was awesome.” The words “fork” and “penis” belong in the same sentence about as well as “chastity” and “Courtney Love”, which is to say not at all.
I had a boss once who had an unpleasant sensation South of the border, if you catch my drift, and went to see a urologist who promptly crammed a fucking camera down his dickhole. You’d think a urologist would know better. Anyway, when he was done taking Polaroids or whatever, he asked him, “Do you ever stick anything in there?”
“You mean besides cameras? No. Why?”
“Well, you’ve got what looks like a very small hole in your urethra. There are a lot of causes, actually, but if you do stick things in there you need to stop.”
“What? I don’t stick anything in there!”
“Wait, what do people put in there?”
And the urologist launched into a story about an unfortunate man whose stamina didn’t quite satisfy his wife, so after he “finished”, they crammed a #2 pencil in there so he could finish her off as well. Good God, that makes me fucking cringe just writing it, but that’s not nearly as bad as putting a god damn fork in there. Unless the guy has a prehensile wang and planned on eating himself a hands-free salad, I just don’t fucking get it.
Of course, in the interest of accounting for all the utensils:
And you never know when you’re going to need some salt…
After what was no doubt a memorable dinner, you’ll want to mix up a martini or two..
Holy shit, people, it’s an asshole, not a fucking amusement park. Give that thing a rest!
I have a friend who is a doctor who did his residency in Iowa City, Iowa. According to him, pulling stuff out of people’s nether regions was common. “Oh yeah, you get these farmers with weird kinks cramming all kinds of shit up there, and then it goes wrong and they live in a real small town, so they drive all the way to Iowa City to get it removed. I’ve seen all kinds of things in there. Light bulbs…”
Yeah. Light bulbs. There are people walking this green Earth who look at a light bulb and think, “You know, I should really put that in my ass.” And we call them Iowans. (They also all have penis cancer.)
But the point of this post wasn’t dirty, filthy, ass-stuffing perverts, it was being able to laugh at dirty, filthy, ass-stuffing perverts (and the accompanying headlines) with the click of a mouse.
- Bishops agree sex abuse rules
- 72 holes not enough at Women’s Open
- Girls’ schools still offering something special – head
Isn’t the internet wonderful? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat dinner. To be safe, I’m using chopsticks.