Says here this guy who has just been pulled over has been using GHB, which must be a fun party drug if you’re strongly attracted to the ground. Holy shitballs.

You know how they say that when you get hit in the balls really hard that your voice goes up twenty octaves? What’s the polar opposite of that? Because whatever that is, it happened to this fuckin’ dude. Related: I found the band to play the First Annual Dogs on Drugs Party/Pre-AA Meeting whenever that is.

Earlier today, I was looking at my site’s Alexa rankings, something I do when I feel the need to weep for mankind. Dogs on Drugs routinely ranks in the top 1% of all domain names issued worldwide. That cracks me up. I get this mental image of someone going to great lengths to create an informative and well crafted website about, say, thorium nuclear power plants and how they promise to solve our energy needs cleanly, safely, and pave the way for a better tomorrow, only they get no traffic because everyone’s over here reading my latest batch of dick jokes. Hahaha! Suck it, society! Continue reading

As you can probably imagine, my inbox is a pretty weird place. Spam, pleas for me to provide the antidote, cease and desist orders from Kenny Loggins’ lawyer… It all piles up until I can’t ignore it any more, and then I delete it all because answering it would eat into my valuable personal time, and then when would I lurk behind the lingerie department at Goodwill? Continue reading

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, or you came within smelling distance of my apartment in the late 80’s, you know that I used to do a lot of drugs. Mostly I stuck to pot, because it was prevalent, relatively cheap, and no one was going to lose their shit if you got caught getting high on it. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t up for experimenting with other drugs if I happened across them, the word “experimenting” in this case meaning “ingested immediately without regard for quantity, safety, or whether or not it would interfere with my rigorous schedule of going to class once every couple of months or so”. But there was one drug that made me pause: LSD. Continue reading

I have a new rule in my life: If I find myself in a commercial establishment that refuses to put paper towels in their restroom, I will immediately burn that establishment to the fucking ground because, seriously, if you can’t splurge on paper towels to dry my hands with, you suck more ass than Clay Aiken on vacation. Continue reading

Those of you who know me or have read this blog for a while know that I’m an IT guy, which is a fancy way of saying that I work with computers. This is an ideal job for me as it allows me to watch hardcore Bavarian fetish porn all day slip Photoshopped pictures of coworkers I hate into the corporate website at random intervals. This makes for some interesting support calls. “Yes, I’m having a problem with your web site. I try to click the continue button, but the picture of the CEO power-fisting a goat keeps getting in the way.” Continue reading

Breaking Bad is on tonight, so I’m not even going to try to write anything. But that doesn’t mean I won’t entertain you! (And by “entertain”, of course, I mean “horrify”.) So enjoy Turkish Star Trek.

You know what’s fun to do during office meetings? Quote random Bible passages as if they have relevance to the matter at hand. “Well, I think it would be helpful to remember the words of Ezekiel 23:20 here.” And when everyone looks at you strangely, you say, “You know… Ezekiel 23:20! ‘There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys.’ It’s in the Bible, people!” Trust me, meetings take a radical turn for the weird when Ezekiel 23:20 makes its way on to the agenda. Continue reading

Does anyone out there know anything about the Daily Mail? I ask because the days are long since gone when you could trust the press to do something as crazy and outlandish as tell you the actual news without slanting it to meet some obscenely rich person’s hidden agenda. Take media mogul Rupert Murdoch, for instance. Murdoch owns FOX News, which has been accused of having a conservative bias to further its owner’s hidden agenda, which is that he advocates raping babies. (Please note that I used the same amount of fact checking on that previous sentence that FOX News used in its coverage leading up to the invasion of Iraq.) Continue reading