When I was 23, I moved from my home town of Chicago to Tucson, Arizona for various reasons, not the least of which was that I didn’t want to experience another Chicagoland winter. Well, that worked out well. It was 122º F here yesterday. Yeah, that’s way better than having to wear a scarf when you go outside. For those of you having a hard time comprehending that temperature because you’re unfamiliar with the Fahrenheit scale, imagine room temperature inside your home. Now imagine that you live inside your oven, the oven is turned on, and your house is on fire. That would’ve been a welcome break from the heat down here because 122º is fucking balls hot. I took the kids swimming at night, and even though it was pitch black out, it was still 109º. I read today how Seattle had this brutal heat wave going on, with temperatures as high as 92º, and everyone was crying in their heroin because of it. Yeah, well our low temperature was 100º, so you can cram it with espresso, Seattle. That is weak sauce, and you fucking know it. Continue reading

You may have noticed that I have not been posting much lately. This is because I have been confined to my couch, recovering from multiple, hockey-induced heart attacks. If you are a long time reader, you may know that I am from Chicago, and if you are from Canada or are one of the seven people in the United States who cares about hockey, you would correctly assume that I am a fan of the Chicago Blackhawks. And if you read page 47c in your local newspaper’s sports section today, buried below the middle school jai alai scores, you’d know that the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup last night by scoring two goals in seventeen seconds very, very late in the game. This is not unheard of in hockey. You will be absolutely unbeatable one moment and the next, a fluke shot that caroms off of a referee’s taint will end your season in the cruelest fashion possible. It is gut-wrenching beyond belief, and I am getting too old for this shit. Continue reading

This post was originally going to deal with an important topic, one so universal in scope that it would appeal to the broadest number of readers possible; namely that Huey Lewis is a horse-faced retard. Seriously, what kind of fucking drugs were we doing in the 80’s? First of all, Huey Lewis became popular, and then, even more inexplicably, he was not strapped to the Space Shuttle and used as a heat shield while his shriek-filled last moments were beamed across the globe to the ever-lasting delight of people with fucking taste. I mean, what the fucking-fuck? Huey Lewis was rewarded with money, drugs, and (one would assume) deaf and blind women when what he truly deserved was a trip to the bottom of the Marianas trench in a 50 gallon drum. Continue reading

A while back, I sent someone a video of Angela Lansbury masturbating in a tub. Now, you may be asking yourself, “Greg, with all of the millions of videos of women masturbating in a tub on the internet at your disposal, why would you send someone a video of Angela Lansbury, of all people, furiously working her twat?” I did it because my brain is hard-wired for weirdness. Continue reading

I just got back from taking my daughter to the urgent care. Not that she need care urgently, or even really needed a lot of care. It’s just that under our insurance plan, an urgent care visit costs the same amount as a doctor’s visit and since it’s closer and takes appointments, we went there. If they had a place called Not Really Important Semi-Care, we would’ve gone there. Continue reading

I used to teach computer classes back in the mid-90’s. At the time, computers were just starting to become an indispensable tool in the business world, and thanks to the global pornography network known as the internet being made public, it was starting to become an indispensable tool at home as well, if only because guys needed something different to jerk it to (the lingerie section of the Sears Roebuck catalog only came out twice a year, after all. Not that I would know.) “This is a great investment, honey!” guys would say. “We can use it to balance our checkbook!” How this was accomplished by dumping man-juice all over the keyboard was left unexplained. Continue reading

The summer after I graduated high school, I held down a job working in the radiation exposure monitoring division of a large company. That sounds like the sort of cool, sci-fi job that would entail frequent visits from Iron Man, but it was quite the opposite. You know how when you get x-rays your dentist puts a lead apron over your goodies and then runs out of the room to turn on the Cancer-Tron 5000? When he does that, he’s wearing a badge that measures radiation exposure which he would mail in to us at the end of the month. We’d process it, then either tell him that he was in the clear or that his kids were going to be born with flippers. We were like a Fotomat booth for the medical industry. Continue reading

I went to a local grocery store today to pick myself up something to eat for lunch at my desk. I usually don’t go out to eat during the workday because it’s more expensive, I wind up eating incredibly stupid and unhealthy things, and I tend to wind up sitting next to a table of junior executives spouting buzzword after inane buzzword until I finally reach my boiling point and decapitate one of them with a lunch tray. That’s a misdemeanor in Arizona and the fines can be pricey, so it’s just cheaper and easier to eat at my desk while I surf the web. Continue reading

I’ve got an iPad at home. I absolutely had to have an iPad when they first came out, but the steep price kept me from buying one for quite a while. Finally, I was unable to hold out any longer and I justified its purchase by mentally running down all the things I could do with it: Take effective notes at the office; be able to multi-task at my desk; ummm… I could use it to watch Netflix when the kids are watching Netflix on the TV; uhhh… If my Kindle ever died, I could use the Kindle app to still be able to read on the go… I had all these weak arguments and more, but truth be told, they were all bullshit. If there was an app called iCoaster that allowed you to put your drink down on the iPad with the label always facing North, I would’ve used it as justification. Continue reading

Ok, day two of feeling like a fucking cementhead is coming to an end, and the cumulative effect of so many cold meds is starting to get to me. I use DayQuil to cure my cold and wake me up, and NyQuil to cure my cold and knock me out. It’s getting to be that the only reliable way for me to tell what time of day it is is to look at the color of what I’m drinking. Maybe I’ll just start mixing them together and let them fucking duke it out. If I fall asleep, NyQuil wins. If I sprint laps around the house trailing used Kleenex behind me, DayQuil is the winner. And if my liver fails because I’m the kind of idiot that fucks around with over the counter medicine for giggles, well then the funeral industry wins, I guess. Continue reading