I was in the grocery store today when I noticed the guy in front of me was buying two things: A fifth of whiskey and a pack of gum. It’s admirable, in a strange way. Here’s a guy who fucking owns his secret drinking. “Sure, I get whore-walloping drunk by 2:00 PM, but I don’t need to hide that fact from you.” I’m surprised he wasn’t buying a lampshade too. Continue reading

As I’ve mentioned before, there are advantages to having your kids get a little older. When you first see them they’re adorable, tiny little miracles of nature, and you treasure them, and love them, and thank your lucky stars for them every day of your life until they have a massive Stage V diaper blowout at the DMV, and then it occurs to you that it’d be nice when they outgrew the stage of life that requires you to carry a fucking Hazmat bag with you wherever you go. Continue reading

I’ve got a weird week in front of me: I’m working tonight, I’ve got my son’s baseball game to attend tomorrow night, Halloween is Thursday night, daughter’s choir concert on Friday night, cooking, cleaning, blah, blah, blah, nobody cares, Greg. But it does mean that I have less time to think about what I write on this gigantic collection of dick jokes that I call a blog. So instead of a well-thought out post with a point and other niceties (such as sentences with word order correct), you’re more likely to get a strange, stream-of-consciousness post with little or no socially redeeming qualities. Kind of like MTV. Continue reading

Sunday morning, 10:00 AM, and we were waiting in line at a tool booth on I-90, As we approached the toll booth, Octopus’s Garden came on the stereo. That was not the first time we’d heard the song that weekend. Just two days prior, the song had come on and we agreed that it was a stupid, throw-away song, pretty much like any song Ringo had anything to do with. Now, however, tripping in an old Dodge Colt on the interstate, the ripply background vocals and special effects made Octopus’s Garden undeniably the Best Song of All Time, a title we bestowed upon many more songs before we reached home that afternoon. Squatch pulled a dollar bill out of his pocket to pay the toll. “Hey,” I laughed, “I dare you to stick that dollar in your crack and hand it to that bitch ass first.” We had a volcanic giggle-fit in front of the unimpressed tool booth attendant. Continue reading

My daughter came home with a case of strep throat last week, which of course meant that she soon passed it on to her brother, and then me. This is because children are Keds-wearing bags of contagion. Syria missed a real opportunity: They didn’t have to attack anyone with sarin. They could’ve just sent my kids in there and within a week the war would’ve been called on account of sore throats. Continue reading

This is my favorite time of year in Arizona. We’ve got 7 months of absolutely gorgeous weather in front of us and as an avid hiker, I use this opportunity to the fullest: I find the tallest mountains to climb, the most isolated trails to follow, and generally become one with nature until such time as it becomes necessary to stab nature in the fucking eyes. Continue reading

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, or you came within smelling distance of my apartment in the late 80’s, you know that I used to do a lot of drugs. Mostly I stuck to pot, because it was prevalent, relatively cheap, and no one was going to lose their shit if you got caught getting high on it. But that didn’t mean that I wasn’t up for experimenting with other drugs if I happened across them, the word “experimenting” in this case meaning “ingested immediately without regard for quantity, safety, or whether or not it would interfere with my rigorous schedule of going to class once every couple of months or so”. But there was one drug that made me pause: LSD. Continue reading

Those of you who know me or have read this blog for a while know that I’m an IT guy, which is a fancy way of saying that I work with computers. This is an ideal job for me as it allows me to watch hardcore Bavarian fetish porn all day slip Photoshopped pictures of coworkers I hate into the corporate website at random intervals. This makes for some interesting support calls. “Yes, I’m having a problem with your web site. I try to click the continue button, but the picture of the CEO power-fisting a goat keeps getting in the way.” Continue reading

My daughter pulled a fast one last week. This, in and of itself is not a shocking development. My daughter is 13, and so she’ll not only pull fast ones, but believe with all the sincerity and fervor of a cult member that she was justified in doing so. “Well of course I didn’t ask if I could arrange an arms deal with El Salvador freedom fighters so that I could use to proceeds to buy earring’s at Claire’s. You would have said no!” Continue reading

I took my boys to some archaeological ruins this weekend, the theory being that if the place was already ruined, I wouldn’t have to worry about my kids fucking it up. As it turns out, archaeological ruins are incredibly delicate, which makes sense because that’s probably how they got ruined in the first place. We were in the parking lot when I stopped and read a very important sign to the boys. “Hey, guys, look at this sign: ‘No standing’ on the walls of the ruins.” Anyone who has young boys knows that I read these words to two giggling boys who were tightrope-walking the ruins, kicking priceless clods of history onto the dirt below. Continue reading