Pop Up Video came up in a conversation today at work, and it will come as absolutely no surprise to long time readers that I was the one that brought it up. What happened was that someone used the words “pop up” in a sentence, I hummed the music, made the pop up noise, and then trotted out a semi-obscene “fact” about the speaker, hinting that maybe they’d had sexual intercourse with a llama. I think. It’s hard for me to tell what really happens at work since they stated forcibly medicating me. But morphine and jimson weed aside, I definitely started talking about Pop Up Video at work today, which makes the entire day a success in my book. Continue reading

I have been the recipient of many awards in my life. I was voted most likely to get involved in an alcohol-fueled high speed chase involving the police when I was in high school, for example. I once came in 3rd in a pussy eating contest in Peru (those cats were delicious!), and I don’t think anyone involved will ever forget the time that I crashed the Special Olympics and kicked some major fucking ass in the boxing competition. They said that everybody got a trophy, but at the end of the day I was the only one who didn’t have to eat pudding through a straw, so you tell me who won. Continue reading

I watched a guy lose his shit in public yesterday. I was driving home when I saw a school bus driver lay on the horn, skid the bus to an immediate halt, turn red in the face, and unleash a stream of what I assume were profanities if the shocked expressions the children in the back were wearing were any indication. Just stone cold lost it, and the reason why? No reason. He was screaming at a car that was driving normally in its own lane. Maybe the guy just has some sort of weird version of Tourette’s Syndrome which causes him to explode into profanity whenever he sees a Honda Civic. Continue reading

I’m a firm believer that all children should play a musical instrument. There are all sorts of studies that suggest that an exposure to playing music leads to an increase in general math scores, teaches discipline, fosters a feeling of accomplishment, fights tooth decay, combats halitosis, and all sorts of other things that the local junior high school’s band director dreamt up one night while he was really high. Playing music is great, but based on my experience, kids really should be limited to instruments no more complex than a triangle. Continue reading

Because I use my iPhone as my alarm clock, I was blasted out of bed at 3:26 this morning by an Amber Alert, I guess to let me know that I should report any missing 16 year old girls that happened to be in my bed. The only time in my life that I was interested in getting 16 year old girls into bed was when I was 16, of course, and that phase passed pretty quickly because 16 year old girls are fucking nutso. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep, getting up three hours later when Siri told me to. Continue reading

Work has been an absolute ball-cutter this last couple of weeks. During one 34 hour stretch late last week, I calculated that I had worked 29 of them. The only thing keeping anyone going over there is the large quantity of acid I put in the water cooler. This, now that I think of it, may have something to do with some of the issues we’ve been having with quality. Hmmm… Oh, well. Live and learn! Or as a now former coworker would say, “Get-Run-Over-By-A-Train-While-Freaking-Out-On-Acid and learn!” Continue reading

Long time reader, hall of fame commenter, and eagle-eyed reader B’Homey sent me an article this morning which has one of the best headlines I’ve ever read: Man Offers Police Taco as Identification. There goes the old high score on the Breathalyzer! Continue reading

I’ve got some big news for you, so you’re probably going to want to sit down for this. If you’re already sitting, you can remain in that position, but you may want to prepare yourself to jump up in surprise. If you’re already jumping, you’re either on a trampoline, or you’ve read ahead and know the big news in advance. Either way, knock that shit off. Anyway, here we go: I’m going to be teaching a course at Harvard. Continue reading

I went to a science fair this evening. I haven’t been to a science fair since I was in 8th grade, and let me tell you something: They haven’t changed a bit. How America retains its ranking as the top destination for technological and scientific advancement is beyond me, because as far as I can tell, our budding scientists-to-be only perform experiments involving static electricity, vinegar and baking soda, or rock candy formation. Oh, and Coke and Mentos. I saw four separate entries dealing with Coke and Mentos, each of which had a hypothesis along the lines of, “My hypothesis is that adding Coke to Mentos in my brother Tyler’s room will be hilarious.” Continue reading

A couple of weeks ago I decided that I’d use the word “orgy” at least once in every meeting I’m invited to at the office. “Orgy” is an excellent word in that it has enough legitimate meaning to justify its occasional use, but when you use it, every single person in the room mentally pictures the Orgy Guy – A hairy chested, mustachioed man who shows up at the front door wearing nothing but a kimono and an expectant leer. It’s wonderfully off-putting, and every time I do it, I surreptitiously scan the room to see if anyone is lost in a fond remembrance because you never know when that kind of information might come in handy. Hard work may be the surest way to the top, but extortion is a hell of a lot faster. Continue reading