Long time reader, hall of fame commenter, and eagle-eyed reader B’Homey sent me an article this morning which has one of the best headlines I’ve ever read: Man Offers Police Taco as Identification. There goes the old high score on the Breathalyzer!
To judge by the taco-related headlines hitting the news lately, you’d think that tacos are attracting nutballs. But in fact, as anyone who has ever gotten wasted can tell you, tacos attract drunk people. And that’s how you wind up with stories like the one above, or this absolute classic:
Last week, San Antonio resident Adam Kramer walked into Alondras De Jalisco, a TexMex restaurant in the city’s Southside neighborhood. He ordered six tacos, and when they were ready, his waitress told him how much [they] would cost. It was then, according to the San Antonio Express-News, that Kramer told her that actually, they were going to be free.
When his waitress informed [him] that restaurants generally charge money for the food they provide, Sir Adam unsheathed a “large sword,” implying that he still felt that they should be free. According to KSAT ABC 12 News , when the waitress went to go get the cook, a telephone started to ring and it was at that moment that Mr. Kramer took a step outside. Thinking quickly, the waitress locked the doors.
Apparently, this enraged Mr. Kramer, [who] allegedly screamed that if his tacos weren’t provided on the house, “someone would die.”
Then there’s the story of Bethel, Alaska. Residents of Bethel became excited when flyers circulating around town announced that Taco Bell was going to be opening a franchise in their godforsaken frozen wasteland of a town. This, unfortunately, is what drunken residents of Bethel, Alaska do for kicks: Print and distribute fake flyers about non-existent Taco Bell franchises.
Hearing of the cruel hoax, Taco Bell helicoptered in 10,000 tacos. Really. Residents of Bethel rejoiced, ate the tacos, and one would assume later died of massive intestinal cramping and explosive anal bleeding.
Do we even need to get into the story of the wonderfully named, real life person Dr. Taco B.M. Monster? No. No, we do not.
But we need to do something, because I’m tired of writing this post, and I have no idea how to wrap it up. So, what the fuck? Let’s have a contest.
Greg’s Drunken Taco Construction Contest
Here are the contest rules: Use the recipe below to make some tacos while you and your friends or loved ones are drinking. Take pictures of the cooking, eating, and post-taco regret phases and send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner will receive something appropriate (which is code for “I’m too lazy to think up a great prize right now”).
Disclaimer: Frying shit can be downright dangerous, so if you burn your house down because you got overly liquified before making the tacos, I disavow any responsibility. Likewise for slicing off fingers, accidentally jamming an annoying pet in the garbage disposal, and pretty much any other kitchen mishap you can imagine. Be careful, folks.
Now, get crackin’.
Beer Battered Fried Avocado Tacos
Shit You’ll Need
Spicy Mayo Sauce:
1 Jalapeño pepper
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 large bunch cilantro
2 limes, juiced
2 Hass avocados
1 teaspoon hot sauce of choice
1 cup flour
1 cup beer
1/2 medium red onion, diced
1 cup corn
another large bunch of cilantro, roughly chopped
1 medium green bell pepper, diced
1 medium red bell pepper, diced
1 lime, juiced
salt and pepper to taste
4-5 cups of oil for frying shit (note: not literally)
tortillas (flour or corn, whatever floats your boat)
What To Fucking Do:
- Preheat oil (375)
- Mix beer, flour, and hot sauce in large bowl. Whisk the shit out of it.
- The corn salsa is easy-peasy: Mix it all together
- The spicy mayo sauce? Food processor the hell out of it until all of the pieces of stuff are pretty tiny
- Avocados need to be sliced, dipped in batter, and fried for 3 minutes, turning to make sure they fry evenly.
- Take a tortilla, put in corn salsa, fried avocado slice, and drizzle spicy mayo on top
- Lose all control, eat the rest of the tacos while fending off hungry loved ones with a large kitchen knife