Are you lonely? Is there an empty void in your life that can only be filled by enslaving small woodland creatures? Have multiple lobotomies left you incapable of performing even the most basic of pet maintenance tasks? Have you been consuming lead paint chips like fucking Doritos your entire life? If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, you’re probably going to want to start masturbating furiously because I have the answer to all of your problems: The Perfect Polly Pet!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking, “But Greg, I’ve been burned by pet substitutes before!” Hahaha, you asshole! How fucking stupid can you be? Wait, don’t answer that question because I could give a shit what you have to say: You’re not even a pet owner! Continue reading

For those of you who read this site on a regular basis and have somehow avoided being put on an involuntary 72 hour psychiatric hold, you’ve no doubt noticed that I’ve been mainlining printer toner taken a break from writing lately. Some people think that it’s easy to come up with a non-stop stream of libelous statements about Elton John and yak-felching, but it’s not. It takes hard work, dedication, and a metric shit-ton of Heineken to come up with that kind of brilliance gibberish, and lately I haven’t been free on bail feeling it, so I took a little break. Continue reading

I just got done with my 7 year old son’s back-to-school shopping, which I did without him. He goes to a school that requires uniforms as well as standard school supplies, such as red folders, green folders, a white binder, etc. This is to avoid all the knife fights that erupt when kids start arguing over whether or not a LEGO folder is cooler than a Minecraft folder, and… Wait a minute. Do you have a Justin Bieber folder? You do, don’t you? GET HIM! Continue reading

Ok, I have to tell you right off the bat that I wrote that post title as a play on the name of the 1962 Ray Bradbury novel, Something Wicked This Way Comes. Has anyone else read that? Do people still read any more? I don’t know. I know a lot of useless information, which was the point of this post. Anyway, I always thought that the title Something Wicked This Way Comes sounded badass, but now that I look at it, it’s almost as if Ray Bradbury sat down to write after an accident involving a credenza falling off a roof and crash landing on his head. Imagine if Dickens wrote like he had brain damage. “It was times the best of, worst of times it was.” Order the word sentence important is, kind of. Continue reading

Hey, lookit that! Someone animated me!

I was unable to sleep a few nights ago, so instead of tossing and turning in bed, I went downstairs and watched Red Dragon. Red Dragon, for those of you who don’t know, is the prequel to Silence of the Lambs, and is in my opinion a better movie. It’s got everything you could ever want in a freaky movie: Full body tattoos, eating people/great works of art, and burning Philip Seymour Hoffman to death. (Take that, you pretentious three-named bastard! Daniel Day Lewis, you have been put on notice.) The movie is so freaky that by the time I’m done watching it, I pretty much assume that everyone I meet is a deranged serial killer except maybe my kids, and I have my doubts about them. Continue reading

Do you know anyone with a birthday or other special event coming up? A family member, a friend, or maybe a coworker? And are you looking for a gift that says, “This is the very least I could do, short of getting you nothing at all and celebrating your special day by ignoring it completely?” Well if so, then this is your lucky fucking day, because now you can buy this asshole the Potty Putter. Yes, the Potty Putter, brought to you by a couple of mental defectives who think that human beings are so stupid that they will fork over money to play golf while pinching a loaf.

Now before you furiously masturbate until you achieve full release, wait! There’s more! If you act now, not only will bankers close your account in disgust when they see how you waste your money, but you’ll also get a flyer in the mail for the UroClub. It’s perfect for those of you who have always dreamed of putting your cock in a 9-iron: Continue reading

You know how, from time to time you get that disoriented feeling upon waking? I used to get that a lot when I was younger, and for good reason: My love for spontaneous, drunken road trips made the questions, “Where am I?”, “Whose couch is this?”, “What state am I in?”, and, “Do I still have both of my kidneys?” logical and important questions to ask. Of course, as I got older and became the mature and responsible person I am today, early morning bafflement receded, rarely to be seen and usually only after traditional drinking holidays such as New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day, or Friday. Continue reading

Do you want to look like a poodle? Are you out of shape? Have you suffered extensive brain damage? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then Poodlecise is for you!

The neighborhood I live in has a community pool. Nothing special, just a kidney shaped hole in the ground. There are no life guards, no slides, and with a maximum depth of five feet, no diving board. It’s basically a place where you can go when it’s 118° outside and you want to experience for yourself just how hot water can get when it sits in a scorching hot concrete tub all day. So on the weekends, I like to take the kids to the municipal pool, which is much cooler, has slides and other water-related things to play with, and is a beach-style pool, meaning that I have to keep a death-grip on my four year old most of the time instead of all of it. Continue reading