I’ve got an iPad at home. I absolutely had to have an iPad when they first came out, but the steep price kept me from buying one for quite a while. Finally, I was unable to hold out any longer and I justified its purchase by mentally running down all the things I could do with it: Take effective notes at the office; be able to multi-task at my desk; ummm… I could use it to watch Netflix when the kids are watching Netflix on the TV; uhhh… If my Kindle ever died, I could use the Kindle app to still be able to read on the go… I had all these weak arguments and more, but truth be told, they were all bullshit. If there was an app called iCoaster that allowed you to put your drink down on the iPad with the label always facing North, I would’ve used it as justification. Continue reading

Ok, day two of feeling like a fucking cementhead is coming to an end, and the cumulative effect of so many cold meds is starting to get to me. I use DayQuil to cure my cold and wake me up, and NyQuil to cure my cold and knock me out. It’s getting to be that the only reliable way for me to tell what time of day it is is to look at the color of what I’m drinking. Maybe I’ll just start mixing them together and let them fucking duke it out. If I fall asleep, NyQuil wins. If I sprint laps around the house trailing used Kleenex behind me, DayQuil is the winner. And if my liver fails because I’m the kind of idiot that fucks around with over the counter medicine for giggles, well then the funeral industry wins, I guess. Continue reading

I’ve got a very bad cold. It’s 100 degrees outside, and I’ve got a cold. This is what is known in the medical community as fucking bullshit. Having a cold in summer weather gargles donkey-balls. Everyone else is running around, diving in pools, golfing, and generally acting like they’re in a fucking Mountain Dew commercial, and I’m stuffed up to the gills feeling like shit. Every once in a while I’ll look at someone enjoying themselves in a particularly summer-like way and just tell them, “Fug you butherfugger!” Continue reading

They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle, and it’s true. I know because I put it to the test. When I was a child, I lived in a rural area of Illinois, and I practically lived on my bike. We had rolling hills to fly down, homemade jumps to launch from, and a series of winding one-way streets that we knew like the backs of our hands. Of course, now I live in blazing-hot Phoenix where for five months out of the year riding a bike is like soaking yourself in gasoline and lying down under a large magnifying glass: It’s going to end with you carrying your roasted nuts home in a thimble. And so, between work, and kids, and the weather, and living in a city where everything is very, very spread out, I soon found myself not having ridden a bicycle in 20 years. Continue reading

Editor’s Note – I’ve always wanted to write an Editor’s Note. It makes anything you write afterwards positively drip with gravitas. For instance… Editor’s Note – While the Albanians were pummeled with hockey pucks, they were still unwilling to regurgitate the goldfish. Makes no sense, but the words “Editor’s Note” made you read it differently, doesn’t it? Anyway… Editor’s Note – I’ve got way, way too much shit on my plate tonight to write a real post, but instead of posting a goofy video or a smartass email fucking with someone who wants to use my site to advertise chocolate butt-plugs, I’m instead going to re-post something I wrote over 12 years ago on an old, long-forgotten site. So if it sucks, it’s because I was young and hadn’t learned how to suck less yet. Continue reading

I have two brothers, which people find fascinating for some reason. “You mean there’s more than one of you? Good God!” Actually, while I’m the garrulous, outgoing type of person, my younger brother is quiet and more reserved. And then my older brother is from Planet Zoot, and no one knows what the fuck he is thinking. To say that he’s socially maladapted is to assume a borderline level of social awareness, which I can assure you that my older brother does not have. He does or says what he feels like, and if that happens to violate every social more in place since the invention of the plow, well then that’s society’s fucking problem, isn’t it? This is how he came to ruin a Christmas Eve dinner for a bunch of old ladies. Continue reading

Ugh, I’m going through some stressful stuff right now, and it has sapped my energy and ability to put words on the thing with… the… funny… Sigh. So, let’s go to the wide world of stupid videos for relief. I give to you… Whatever the fuck this thing is. Ahhh, Russia, where the entertainment is as cheap as the vodka and just as likely to blind you.

I was reading an article today about how New Jersey governor Chris Christie is going to undergo lap-band surgery. Pundits are divided over what the impact of this will be. Some think that this can only help Christie in a possible run for the White House in 2016, while some think, holy shit, those lap bands better be made of solid steel because otherwise all it’s going to take is a single trip to Crispy Creme and BLAMMO! Lap-band shrapnel and icing everywhere. Governor Christie is a big boy. What everyone can agree on is that you cannot become President of the United States if you weigh more than a Volkswagen. Continue reading

We live in a world of technological wonder, or at least we think we do. Five years from now, of course, we’ll wonder what we did back in the stone ages when we didn’t have high-def porn streamed directly into our brains (answer: get shit done), but for right now we feel like we are on the cutting edge of a brave, new world, one in which our phones are advanced enough to tell us that we’re all a bunch of lard-asses. Continue reading

Are you female? Are you looking for a car? Why not kill two birds with one stone?