Today, at the office, in a stunning display of athleticism and physical prowess that would have made my 4 year old proud, I managed to spill an entire bowl of chicken soup on myself, soaking my clothes from my shoulder down to my knee. I was eating lunch at my desk when this happened, so I’m officially calling it a failed attempt at multi-tasking. Unfortunately, the soup was no longer hot so I don’t get to sit at home, surfing the internet and sending prank emails to elected officials while I collect on the stupidest worker compensation claim of all time. Dammit. Continue reading

I took my boys to some archaeological ruins this weekend, the theory being that if the place was already ruined, I wouldn’t have to worry about my kids fucking it up. As it turns out, archaeological ruins are incredibly delicate, which makes sense because that’s probably how they got ruined in the first place. We were in the parking lot when I stopped and read a very important sign to the boys. “Hey, guys, look at this sign: ‘No standing’ on the walls of the ruins.” Anyone who has young boys knows that I read these words to two giggling boys who were tightrope-walking the ruins, kicking priceless clods of history onto the dirt below. Continue reading

Another day, another headline about gunplay in an elementary school. In this case, it was an AK-47 wielding man who fired off a bunch of rounds because, yeah, that makes total sense. “God damn Obama! My taxes are too fucking high! I can’t get a job! And the Bilderberg Group secretly controls women, so I can’t get a hand job! I’ma murder me some motherfuckin’ toddlers!” Seriously, what the fucking fuck, people? I can’t say that there’s a preferred group of people to shoot in a maniacal rampage, but I’m pretty fucking certain children aren’t in that group. Get a fucking grip, or barring that, just go play with a toaster in the bathtub, asshole. Continue reading

The staff at my doctor’s office has terrible bedside manners. They’re not quite at the point where they poke at open wounds with unwashed hands and laugh, but certainly they could brush up on a few basic healthcare provider tips. If Hippocrates said “First, do no harm,” I’m pretty sure he followed it up with something like, “Sixth, don’t freak your patients out for shits and grins.” And then he fondled a ten year old, because the ancient Greeks were a bunch of serious deves. Continue reading

When I was 23, I moved from my home town of Chicago to Tucson, Arizona for various reasons, not the least of which was that I didn’t want to experience another Chicagoland winter. Well, that worked out well. It was 122º F here yesterday. Yeah, that’s way better than having to wear a scarf when you go outside. For those of you having a hard time comprehending that temperature because you’re unfamiliar with the Fahrenheit scale, imagine room temperature inside your home. Now imagine that you live inside your oven, the oven is turned on, and your house is on fire. That would’ve been a welcome break from the heat down here because 122º is fucking balls hot. I took the kids swimming at night, and even though it was pitch black out, it was still 109º. I read today how Seattle had this brutal heat wave going on, with temperatures as high as 92º, and everyone was crying in their heroin because of it. Yeah, well our low temperature was 100º, so you can cram it with espresso, Seattle. That is weak sauce, and you fucking know it. Continue reading

This post was originally going to deal with an important topic, one so universal in scope that it would appeal to the broadest number of readers possible; namely that Huey Lewis is a horse-faced retard. Seriously, what kind of fucking drugs were we doing in the 80’s? First of all, Huey Lewis became popular, and then, even more inexplicably, he was not strapped to the Space Shuttle and used as a heat shield while his shriek-filled last moments were beamed across the globe to the ever-lasting delight of people with fucking taste. I mean, what the fucking-fuck? Huey Lewis was rewarded with money, drugs, and (one would assume) deaf and blind women when what he truly deserved was a trip to the bottom of the Marianas trench in a 50 gallon drum. Continue reading

I went to a local grocery store today to pick myself up something to eat for lunch at my desk. I usually don’t go out to eat during the workday because it’s more expensive, I wind up eating incredibly stupid and unhealthy things, and I tend to wind up sitting next to a table of junior executives spouting buzzword after inane buzzword until I finally reach my boiling point and decapitate one of them with a lunch tray. That’s a misdemeanor in Arizona and the fines can be pricey, so it’s just cheaper and easier to eat at my desk while I surf the web. Continue reading

Ok, day two of feeling like a fucking cementhead is coming to an end, and the cumulative effect of so many cold meds is starting to get to me. I use DayQuil to cure my cold and wake me up, and NyQuil to cure my cold and knock me out. It’s getting to be that the only reliable way for me to tell what time of day it is is to look at the color of what I’m drinking. Maybe I’ll just start mixing them together and let them fucking duke it out. If I fall asleep, NyQuil wins. If I sprint laps around the house trailing used Kleenex behind me, DayQuil is the winner. And if my liver fails because I’m the kind of idiot that fucks around with over the counter medicine for giggles, well then the funeral industry wins, I guess. Continue reading

They say you never forget how to ride a bicycle, and it’s true. I know because I put it to the test. When I was a child, I lived in a rural area of Illinois, and I practically lived on my bike. We had rolling hills to fly down, homemade jumps to launch from, and a series of winding one-way streets that we knew like the backs of our hands. Of course, now I live in blazing-hot Phoenix where for five months out of the year riding a bike is like soaking yourself in gasoline and lying down under a large magnifying glass: It’s going to end with you carrying your roasted nuts home in a thimble. And so, between work, and kids, and the weather, and living in a city where everything is very, very spread out, I soon found myself not having ridden a bicycle in 20 years. Continue reading

We live in a world of technological wonder, or at least we think we do. Five years from now, of course, we’ll wonder what we did back in the stone ages when we didn’t have high-def porn streamed directly into our brains (answer: get shit done), but for right now we feel like we are on the cutting edge of a brave, new world, one in which our phones are advanced enough to tell us that we’re all a bunch of lard-asses. Continue reading