The Week In Review

Yahoo! The search engine for assholes

I had a Yahoo! account suspended recently because I like to have a little fun with answering some of the questions posted on Yahoo! Answers. Honestly, I think the people that post questions there have IQ’s so low that I do not believe they still qualify as “intelligent life”. They’d be more accurately classified as a breed of semi-intelligent doorstop.

Anyway, a guy asked the question “How do I get my hair to look like this?” and included the following picture:

This young lady has a bright future in front of her.

This young lady has a bright future in front of her.

Naturally, I felt the need to assist the young man and answer his question in the most clear, concise, and accurate way:

1. Legally change name to Massengill.

2. Wait.

And for this I got banned. Yahoo! you wouldn’t know good advice if it walked up and bit you in the ass. But best of luck with that whole search engine thing. I’m sure that upstart Google is nothing to worry about. Morons.

On with the show:

  • On Monday, I called Al Gore a bunch of nasty names, even though that means he’s going to come to my house and shout “Bullshit!” in my face.
  • On Tuesday I unveiled my latest groundbreaking idea, the Nerfcalator. The next time you have fun falling down stairs, you’ll have me to thank.
  • On Wednesday I officially launched my campaign to get this website banned in the most populous country in the world. Because, in case you haven’t noticed, this website is foul beyond description and I wholeheartedly deserve it.
  • And on Thursday I excitedly reported that my efforts were not going unnoticed and that the Yunnan Province (motto: You wan’ starch?) had banned this site. Yay! Oh, and I showed a picture of a chick giving it to Chinese Elvis up the ass. I’m classy that way.

On a weather-related note, as Hurricane Irene was bearing down on the East Coast this weekend, I heard a news report that claimed that a death had been attributed to the storm. An elderly gentleman had died of a heart attack. I’m not insinuating that this man’s loss was anything but tragic, but exactly where is the line drawn when you blame a death on a hurricane? If he had died of diabetes, you can’t pin that on the storm. You can’t blame cancer, AIDS, scurvy, or a whole bunch of other things. So why should a heart attack count? If they ever catch Irene and put her on trial, she would totally skate on this charge.

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