Our Long National Nightmare Is Sadly Far From Over – UPDATED!
For those of you who follow this blog and have somehow managed to avoid forcible incarceration in a room with rubber walls, it will come as no surprise to you that I am asking bands to make me sandwiches. That’s normal and expected behavior for me, and unless I am subject to forcible incarceration myself it will probably continue. One day I’m petitioning Congress to declare February 16th National Avocado In Your Pants Day, and the next day I’m asking all blind people to wear sombreros. That’s just how it goes. Sunrise, sunset.
The Great Sandwich Crisis, as it shall henceforth be named, began in this post when I made the following throwaway joke:
“Greg, if you’re filthy rich, why don’t you get a good band to play for you?” Oh, I’m not above paying good money for a good band. For instance, I imagine conversations like this will be commonplace around my house:
Friend: Dude, is that Styx’s tour bus out front?
Me: Yeah, I got hungry so I hired Styx to make me a roast beef sandwich.
Only my meds were long gone and it turned out not to be a throwaway joke because I couldn’t resist actually asking Styx to make me a roast beef sandwich via Twitter:
@STYXTheBand: How much to make me a roast beef sandwich? This is a serious request.
THIS serious.
I guess I really didn’t expect a response from them because let’s face it, they’re probably in the studio, or hard at work on tour, or crotching endangered species and smuggling them across the border (again). And they didn’t respond, even after I upped the ante with an email:
[…]Look, I know I put you on the spot and that if you let people know you’re available for hire to make roast beef sandwiches, where will it stop? One day you’re making me a roast beef sandwich, the next you’re smearing nutella on Oprah’s toes. No one wants that. I totally understand. But I’m getting hungry and I need an answer soon. How much to make me a roast beef sandwich? You don’t all have to be there, just Tommy and J.Y. And I’ll totally keep it on the down low. But if you don’t answer, I’m afraid I will have to get aggressive and start telling people that secretly you all wear Mr. Roboto underwear. […]
No answer. Those fuckers. Finally, I mentioned in this post that…
[…] All I know is that if they don’t get back to me soon I will have no choice but to ask Foreigner what they’d charge to make me a Reuben. […]
And yesterday I finally lost my patience and carried through on one of my threats:
@TheKellyHansen How much would it cost to have Foreigner make me a Reuben sandwich? This is a serious request. Fucking Styx never answered
And Foreigner, being the class act that they obviously are, responded relatively quickly:
@DogsOnDrugs if you have to ask, you can’t afford!
Well, I'm concerned I might not have enough on me. I might need to dip into petty cash.
Oooh, them’s fightin’ words, Foreigner lead singer Kelly Hansen! So here is what I am proposing: I will start an online fund that people can donate money to. When the fund reaches $20,000 two things will happen:
- Foreigner will make me a Rueben
- I will donate the entire $20,000 to Speedway Children’s Charities, a charity that Foreigner has graciously done work with in the past.
But I want to be crystal clear on this point: That money goes nowhere until the Rueben hits my mouth. I’ve been burned before, you know. One time I gave Joyce Dewitt from Three’s Company $47,000 to give me a foot massage and tuck-point my chimney, and she never even bothered to show up! Really makes me wonder if that guy in the alley was really her manager.
So for now, hold the phone. We’re going to give Foreigner a chance to respond to my proposal. If they don’t, well let’s just say that I’ve got a hankering for some tacos and a little band named ZZ Top might just be able to help me out.
Update: The negotiation continues:
@DogsOnDrugs no way, that a free lunch for u. How bout, charity raises 10k, you ADD 10k, then you get Rueben. Put up or shut up! Last chance
And my reply…
@TheKellyHansen 10k? C’mon, I don’t sell seats for $300 a pop. 19.9K raised, $100 from me. That’s a $100 sammich. Not free.
Sadly, the negotiations hit an impasse at this point:
@DogsOnDrugs Move on to ZZ. Have a good one.
Let the record reflect that Foreigner hates charity and wants sick children to die. (Ok, not really, but c’mon! I bet Lou Gramm would’ve done it.)
tuck point my chimney… what can I expect from this google search? I’m already on a watch list for for “sweaty undercarriage”.
Also I hope your plan works! Earlier this year Great awesome Detroit Red Wings Blogger, George Malik and I started a Facebook campaign galvanize the world to encourage Mike Commodore to wear the number 64 as a Detroit Red Wing – a campaign that Puck Daddy then took the spotlight on by trying to raise money for charity. Commie was considering it, The Red Wing Org. approved, The Commodore 64 people begged, blogs were written, money was raised. Someone put the hammer down though, and rumor has it it was Buttman and the NHL.
Just watch your back, where famous people and charity is involved, that is all I am saying.
Fuck famous people, they will not stand in the way of me doing what I feel is right (i.e. getting a goddamn Rueben). And if they try to… Hey! HEY! WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU… HEYYYY!!! HELP! AUUUGGGHHHH!!!
Well I will definitely contribute if ZZ Top is going to make you a sammich. You know I’m all about That Little Ole Band from Texas.
But only if they sing Legs while the make it.
I’m partial to Jesus Just Left Chicago, or ideally La Grange, but I don’t care if they play the Girl from Ipanema if I get me some fucking tacos out of it! And now that I think about it, I prefer it.
You are a genius, and with great power comes great responsibility. But alas, it does not come with a Reuben.
Tacos rule.
I’m considering overthrowing the US government, declaring myself King for life, then forcing Foreigner to slave away in the Reuben mines, making me Reubens all day long. I’m also considering taking my meds for a change.