Paging Dr. Daddy…

This thermometer was licked by other children within 4 seconds of it being removed from this kid's mouth.

My birthday is on Thursday, and to celebrate the 14th anniversary of my 29th birthday, we are going to head out of town and spend a long weekend up in the mountains north of Phoenix. This will give us an opportunity to get away from our normal day-to-day lives, spend some time with each other (and some good friends who are coming with us), and do something about the fact that in a recent study, the United States came in 56th in a poll of the drunkest countries in the world. Fifty-sixth! This, quite frankly, is pathetic. I don’t know who commissioned this poll (because I was too hammered to read it), but obviously the people compiling the data completely missed my house on New Year’s Eve, Arizona State University, and Boston.

Anyway, with the keen sense of timing all children have, my five year old reacted to the news that we were going out of town to spend a non-refundable weekend in the woods with glee, excitement, and a case of strep throat. Strep, for those of you who don’t have kids, is a bacterial infection that is highly contagious amongst young children primarily because the little fuckers like to run around licking things. Seriously, I’ve caught my kids licking handrails in hospital stairwells before. That’s why they don’t have “Take Your Child To Work Day” in bioresearch labs.

Biologist: As you can see here, the sample of ebola virus has caused cell death by evading immune system response, primarily through inhibiting early steps in neutrophil activation. If we now take some more live virus from this vial, which is… What… Where did… HEY!

Biologist’s Four Year Old Son: (Suck, suck, suck!)

Infected child starting an ebola pandemic: Bad. Infected child starting an ebola pandemic resulting in Gwyneth Paltrow becoming infected? Well, that's kind of a gray area.

Infected child starting an ebola pandemic: Bad. Infected child starting an ebola pandemic resulting in Gwyneth Paltrow becoming infected? Well, that's kind of a gray area.

So it’s only a matter of time before all three of them will come down with it, and knowing them, it’ll come to a head at 3:30 AM Saturday morning. Luckily, doctor visits go a lot faster now that I, as a father of three, have a little experience under my belt.

Doctor: Well, what do we have here?

Me: The patient is five years old and displayed symptoms of sore throat two days ago. This morning, he ran a fever of 101.5 degrees. Those two symptoms, along with tonsillar exudate and the classic bad breath symptom lead me to believe that we’re looking at group A streptococcal infection, or strep. A ten day course of amoxicillan at the prescribed dosage of 40 mg/kg body weight should turn the trick nicely. So if you would please perform a throat culture with a test for group A, also sending the culture out for analysis to make sure the strep isn’t masking something else, we’ll just take a prescription and be on our way.

Doctor: Uhhh… My name is Doctor Roberts!

Seriously, that guy just got paid a nice chunk of money to have me do his job for him. The least he could’ve done was fill that other prescription I requested, and I don’t give a rat’s ass if that is a Schedule II Controlled Substance.

And so, I wound up leaving work before lunch to get my infected child, take him to the doctor, get his medication, lunch, explain to him that coming home sick from school isn’t an open invitation to play video games all day, put his whiny sick ass in bed for a nap, and then get online to finish the work I was supposed to get done at the office in the first place all without the benefit of powerful narcotics. So a word of advice, “Doctor” Roberts: Work on your bedside manner, by which I mean, make with the fucking goofers already.

There you go, that's more like it... Keep 'em coming... What do these do? Never mind, I don't care, just gimme!

There you go, that's more like it... Keep 'em coming... What do these do? Never mind, I don't care, just gimme!

Speaking of goofers, I never try to get any prescribed to me unless I really need them (honestly, I’ve turned down prescriptions before), but when they are in the house, I have some fucking fun. A couple of years back, my wife burned her hand on the stove. She was in pain for about 36 hours, but they gave her 40 Percocet. Needless to say, they were diverted from their original purpose very shortly thereafter. Specifically, I had the first two days of March Madness off, and I sat on the couch, bombed out of my gourd on prescription narcotics, trying to be able to jump off the couch in amazement when an unbelievable upset occurred. The closest I was able to manage was a tired smile and a laughing “Woo-hoo!”

Those things are fun. Fun and fucking dangerous. Ever see Oxycontin Express? That shit is terrifying. I watch that and think, “My God, that shit is bad news.” I also think, “This would be a blast to watch if I had some of those Percocet left over!” I once had a CT needle biopsy, which is when they need to run you through a CT scan machine over and over to guide a needle into your chest without hitting any blood vessels so they can take a cell sample. This, needless to say, is not a procedure doctors like to perform on people who are feeling pain, so they gave me a shot of morphine. After a minute went by, they said, “Greg, how are you feeling?” My answer was, “You can take samples from my brain if you give me another blast of that morphine.” They laughed, and then they did (give me more morphine, not take parts of my brain out, although I guess I couldn’t be sure since I was so high on morphine). If God has anything better than morphine, he’s selfishly keeping it to himself.

All of which leads me back to… where? Oh yeah. Sick kids. If you have sick kids, I highly recommend morphine. Wait, was that what I was going to say? Fucking stupid Percocet. Always messing with my… brain thinking… thing.

Arrrggghhh! Brain, why you no work? Make better think! Now, be thinker!

Arrrggghhh! Brain, why you no work? Make better think! Now, be thinker!

19 Responses to “Paging Dr. Daddy…”

  1. Vesta Vayne says:

    Oh no! I hope your little one gets better before the weekend, and also that he manages not to lick any of your other children in the meantime.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, we’re screwed. My wife is starting to think her throat feels weird, the three year old is almost certainly gonna come down with it. Ugh.

  2. LA Juice says:

    True story: Once when I was training for a half marathon, I ended up in the UCLA emergency room that night at about 4 am.

    My entire muscular-skeletal system ached in a terrible, terrible way that was unexplainable by the 10 mile run I took earlier in the day. No, seriously. This pain was everywhere, even in the meat wallet, which I barely EVER use while running.

    They ran blood tests, came back to say they could not find ANYTHING, then they started to prep me an IV, and asked me to sign a paper. As I read the paper, I asked” What is this for?” they said “The morphine”.

    “Why? do you give out morphine to every random person who walks in complaining of undiagnosed body aches that cannot be explained by medical testing?”

    She gave me the tired, “don’t fuck with me I’m a nurse and will sass your ass harder than Carla on Scrubs” look and I said:

    “I don’t want it, I’m not signing this.” So they discharged me without finding anything wrong…

    I then personally diagnosed myself as having a reaction to the very bad combination of dehydration and ibuprofen.

    Cost me $1800.

    • Greg says:

      I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into a doctor to find out what was wrong with me, and they instead did the following:

      1. Listened to my symptoms

      2. Decided to test for something specific

      3. Called me up with the good news that the test was negative

      And so I’d show up again, and they’d look at me as if they were thinking, “What the fuck are you doing here?” And I would have to explain to them that just because I don’t have scurvy doesn’t mean that the problem has gone away, and that I would like to know what it is.

  3. LA Juice says:

    Also- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! in case I miss it. I have to go to court tomorrow, and then If I forget on Thursday, I would feel TERRIBLE!

  4. Pish Posh says:

    MY THROAT HURTS TOO!!

    I totally blame your son. Did he lick my walls or something? Gum my water glass?

    I hope everyone feels better soon. Blast them all with love and orange juice.

    Happy Dayquil Valentine’s Day.

  5. Grumpy says:

    Hey Gerg, Happy Birthday and thanks for the educational post. I have drank in 20 of the top 25 countries so now I have my travel plans for the next few years. It is good to know that your loyal subject of Luxembourg keep you in the top 25.

  6. Rusty says:

    I love it when doctors default to “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you, must be a virus”.

    Every profession should have a “get out of jail free card” like that. Except maybe rapists

    And Murders

    And Lindsey Lohan

    • Greg says:

      I bet you anything Lindsay Lohan’s used the old, “Must be a virus” trick before, if you know what I mean. And if you do, let me know, because I wrote it and I don’t know what it means.

  7. Brett Minor says:

    My kids had a tendency to get pink eye every time we wanted to leave town. As soon as one would get it, the other would as well. It got to where I never let them come home from school.

    • Greg says:

      Oh man, pink eye. At least that’s not painful. But they gave it to me once and everyone at the office kept asking if I was stoned.

      • Larissa says:

        Not painful? What have you been smoking? Clearly you have never had a really bad case of pink eye!!! It’s one of the itchiest, burniest, most painful things EVER (well, except for herpes, I guess … not that I’d know …)

  8. Heather says:

    SUCH A BUMMER!!!! Its like, could you just pick one of the other 11 months this year to get diseases?!
    Hopefully YOU won’t get it for your birthday. Unless heavy medication is involved. In that case, congratulations.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, they have a sixth sense about these things. “Hey! We’re in a foreign airport! Quick, jack up your temperature to 104.2!”

  9. Evangeline Saporita says:

    Pink eye is sometimes very annoying. When i got pink eye, what i did was just take so much Vitamin-C to hasten the healing process. ,;.`;

    Our own online site
    http://www.prettygoddess.com

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